When Not If?

I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

Boyfriend

I was down and ready to give up on dating. I was sick of stressing over it and didn’t want to think about it anymore. So how I started chatting with a few guys online changed. My conversations were much more sexual in nature instead of just being friendly chats. It wasn’t a lot of guys but just a few. There was one guy I met on Manhunt that I had chatted briefly a few times, but nothing serious. Then one day he came on and we started talking, exchanged a few pics (of the adult variety) and after a couple of conversations, he asked me to come by his house during the day while he was off work. I said “yes, if I can make it over”. At the time I really wanted to go through with it but was skeptical I would actually go through with it. Turns out I couldn’t make it by his house (for legitimate reasons), but we texted a few times that afternoon and he asked to go see a movie later. So with no good reason to say no, I agreed. That was four weeks ago and because of that chance meeting I now have my first official boyfriend. Hard for even me to believe.

So a little about DMc (what bf shall be named here). He just turned 25, is broke (he’s car-less because he can’t afford to fix it), works at a well know clothing retailer and best of all, he lives with his parents (I must have a thing for homeless guess). Guess what, I don’t give a shit what any of you may think. He’s super cute, fun to be with and I really like being with him and best of all, for now he’s my boyfriend. I’m trying my best to relax and enjoy it. It’s not easy. There is a lot going on right now in my life, some of it normal work and family stuff; some of it relationship drama shit. I’ve got so much to say here but so little time. It’s been a while here since I posted so I wanted to give a little bit of the reason why. Between work, family and now a boyfriend the blog just has to take back seat.

Art Imitates Life

“OMG!…..you’re Will and Grace!”   So says our adorably cute waiter at very gay restaurant on our trip in San Diego after we let him in on our little secret.

Believe me, Anginae and I have both made joking comparisons of ourselves to Will and Grace.  Some obvious comparisons hold true, while others are way off.  We are married, have kids and don’t have a Jack and Karen (although Nate and Paul could fit the bill).  However, I am gay, she is straight and we are the best of friends that are there to support each other in this journey of ours.

Now that Anginae has posted about it, I feel that I can now openly talk about her boyfriend. She met her BF almost the exact same time I met and started seeing Rub. It started off as just an affair for both of them and it was never intended for it to become serious. Now they are both in love and trying to figure out how to deal with it. As she mentioned, his situation is complicated and they are not able to spend the time together that either of them would like. Although I’ve never met the guy, I really like him. Most of all, I am happy the way he makes Anginae feel. I enjoy seeing how happy she gets when she gets to spend time with him. I’m not hurt at all that she’s fallen in love with another guy. I’m confident how she feels about me and that makes a world of difference in all this; in fact, I feel a bad sometimes that I’m not bothered by it. There are issues yet for each of them to figure out, but I know they both want to deal with them and I hope for nothing more that they both find happiness with their relationship.

So back now back to where I started. Like I said, there are tons of differences between Anginae & me vs. Will & Grace, but what we do have in common is that we are the best of friends and always will be. We are in love, and yes we have taken that friendship a couple of steps further than the fictional couple did, but it is still much the same. We are there to support in other in the new relationships we are forming all the while trying to be careful not to forget about the other in the process. Our life is no where near as exciting as theirs, but we have a lot more excitement in our lives than most average folk! I trust completely how she feels about me I and I believe she trusts completely how I feel about her as well. It’s not something either one of us ever try and take for granted and I hope that I do my best to let her know that I need her more than anyone in my life. As my wife, and if not that then as my Grace.

Accepting Myself

Statement #1:  I am gay.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a straight person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become straight and must resign myself to the fact that I am gay.

Statement #2:  I am anti-social.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a social person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become a social person and must resign myself to the fact that I am anti-social.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a self-loathing flavor of a post so I figured it was time to write one.

Try as I might, I can’t come up with a good difference between statements #1 and #2 above.  I’m pretty sure that most of you out there reading would not encourage me to go back to convincing myself I’m straight.  If so, then I can assume that most of you would encourage me to remain anti-social?   Go on, raise your hands….  The truth is I am pretty much anti-social when I sit down and think pretty hard about it.

Alright, so what’s brought this up exactly?  Well it’s kinda been brewing for a little while in me, but after returning from a Labor Day trip, it’s all kinda boiled over within me.  Anginae and I took a very nice trip to San Diego over Labor Day weekend.  We had a wonderful time and on two of the nights we were there, we went to a few of the local gay bars.  She had a great time as far as I can tell.  Try as I might, I just cannot get into the social scene of a bar, or anywhere else for that matter.  I didn’t have the nerve to go up and talk to a soul the whole time we were there, which frustrates the hell outta me.

I had always hoped the one of the side benefits of finally “coming out” would be that some of my social anxieties would disappear.  Apparently not.  I’m still the same ol’ guy that I was before all this, minus one little secret I’m no longer keeping.  Even the promise of complete anonymity, I couldn’t get the nerve to try and meet people.  First off, this is not a fear at all of people thinking or knowing I’m gay.  Matter of fact, the few times I’ve been in a gay bar, I kinda hope people get the hint that I am gay.  Every time I’ve been to one with Anginae, we leave our wedding rings behind (her idea) and she is just going with her as my friend.  No, this is all down to my every present social anxiety that for the life of me I have no idea how to get rid of.

Perhaps instead of trying to fight it, I should just give into it and accept it.  I mean how is it any different that being gay.  As far I as know, I was born gay, so how can I argue against the fact that I was just born shy?  While I just haven’t gone crazy and met every guy I possibly could, the very few that I have I’ve been extremely nervous and stressed out the whole time.   Right now I’m at the point of weighing the stress of wanting to meet someone versus giving up on it all together.   No, I’m not going back to being straight….I’m gay and I know it, but I may quit trying to actively go out and meet other guys.  I’ll just have to take the much tougher road and hope somebody tries to find me.  Long odds, but I just don’t know how much I’m up for the whole meeting people and dating thing.

If I look at my life outside of Anginae, there’s not really much of anybody else in it.  Sure I have friends at work and stuff, but that’s all we have in common…work.   If I’m not with hanging out with Anginae or our kids I’m usually alone and to be honest it does not bother me a whole lot.  If it were not for the fact that all those years ago she had the nerve to ask me out, then I would probably still be alone to this day, gay or straight.    Some people are just lonely quit types and I just may be that type.  Like other things in my life, I may just be better off accepting it rather than fight it.

Really?

It’s been a month since my last post?  Seriously?

Sorry everyone, I didn’t quite realize it had been so long.  To be fair, it’s been busier than hell for me around here.  Work is crazy, both kids have started school and both Anginae and I are heavily involved in some extracurricular activities for both our kids.  That pretty much has been 99% of our lives for the last month or so and that is quite honestly not much to blog about.  Who the hell here wants to hear about my hetero life?

As for my gay life, there have been a few dramas and goings on but not much really. I’ve been chatting with a handful of guys that I’ve “met” from my Craigslist ad I posted a while back and I have also been on Manhunt a little bit.  A few seem interesting and I have regular conversations with a few of them.  I guess the biggest thing to report is that I actually met and had dinner with a guy a couple of weeks ago.  The biggest thing about that is he is the first guy I have met since things ended with Rub.  I’ve only met him once and don’t know if I will meet him again, if I do it’s on a friendly basis.  He’s a nice guy and all, but I can’t see things going beyond friendship; I still chat with him online and I’m happy to do that.  I can’t really put my finger on why I don’t want anything more with this guy.  He’s nice and decent looking and all, but I guess sometimes you click with someone, and sometimes you don’t.  It actually bugged me for some reason I didn’t like him better than I did;  I haven’t been able to figure out why just yet but I’ll just go on looking.  I hoping to meet another guy I’ve been chatting with for a while soon, but nothing definite planned yet.

That’s all my gay news to report for now.  You can probably see why I haven’t posted in a while.  I’ve got other stuff to post that I’ve been meaning to for a long time, but I just can’t seem to cram blogging in with all the other crap going on.  Anyway, I”m still hear and haven’t gone anywhere and don’t plan on it.  I’ll try not to be a strange so much around here in the near future.

Fourteen

Happy Anniversary To Us!  Fourteen years ago I married the most loving woman I could have ever wished for.  Despite what this blog is about, it’s has been an easy fourteen years for the most part.  Being married to your best friend is about as lucky as you can get.  Without trying to sound too boastful, I’m proud of being together for so long.  I don’t mean that the number of years is what matters most, but we have stuck through things that some marriages could never have withstood.  I’m proud of the relationship we have and what we have built together all these years.

The last couple of months have made both of us look at the future a little differently that we thought possible just a few months ago.  I do know that my love for her will last forever, no matter what the future of our marriage holds. This date will always be our anniversary and we will always be together for it.  As far as I’m concerned, I married the greatest woman in the world, and I just wanted to remind you all of that.

Moving Right Along

One of my fellow readers was chastising me for not posting lately, so I apologize for the long gap in posts.   Really, since ending things with Rub, not a lot has happened.  I’ve talked with him very briefly a time or two.  He’s got a lot going on in his life right now, and from what little I can tell (spying on his Facebook page) things are going quite well between him and LK.  I’m really happy for him, I still just wish things had ended differently than they did.  He made a lot of assumptions how our relationship may go and never gave me a chance to talk about it or give me and Anginae time to figure this all out.  It’s his life and he really did not owe me any patience and I truly wish him nothing but the best.  I’ve come around to still wanting to be friends with him, but I think he’s been so busy lately, I haven’t been able to talk to him much.

I’ve started to look around at meeting guys again….online of course (did you think I was hangin’ out a bar?).    Tried posting a Craigslist and also using another gay dating site and so far there have been a couple of interesting guys.  Not met anyone in person yet but will do so if things seem right to do so.  I’m still taking things cautiously and will do everything I can to take things as slowly as possible if I do wind up meeting someone.  My experience with Rub was short lived, but I at least hope I learned a few lessons that I can take from it.

Well that’s my last couple of weeks in a nutshell.  Back to the same ol’, same ol’ for a little bit.  Again, I’m not going to go into details at all, but things are moving right along for Anginae in her relationship.  I’m perfectly happy for her, the only thing I ever worry about is her getting hurt.  I’ll try not to be away so long next time.  I still have many things I’d like to blog about…just to sort of put some things into words…so I will do my best to post more often.

Fuck You Facebook

I stayed the night last Tuesday night with Rub.  Was a nice evening.  He had been really tired from a busy day so I held him while he took a nap.  I was great and I enjoyed every minute laying next to him.  We go get something to eat and then off to the motel where we hung out and mess around a little (I get to give the the best blow job I probably ever given) then fall asleep about 2 AM.  Wake up Wednesday morning and off to work we go.  That’s the last time I’ve seen him.

Rub then goes to Arkansas on Thursday to meet some guys about buying the bar I mentioned in my last post and then later that night, goes from there to Texas to meet his cousin to spend some time on the lake.  He’s supposed to be back to Oklahoma on Sunday.  Sunday night comes, and no word from him.  Anginae texts him Monday morning and he’s on his way back home.  Hardly another word from him all day Monday.   I know he’s busy trying to catch up so I do my best to convince myself all is well.  Tuesday comes and goes and hardly any word except exchanging some very brief IMs.  I really miss talking to him but he says he’s still really busy so I do my best to be patient.  My way home from work, I call him….voicmail.  I text him and he at his moms house which has spotty cell coverage but he says he really wants to talk to me.  I tell him I miss him and feel a little better.  

I get home and find Anginae on the bed crying (she’s been really sick this week btw).  I of course ask her what’s wrong.  She asks, “has Rub not told you whats going on with him?”  I answer “Well no, he’s really busy right now”.  ”Well go have a look at his Facebook page.  It says he’s in a relationship with LK (remember him from the last post?) and there are pics of him on there too.”  So I of course go look and what do you fucking know, there’s pics of LK along with his new relationship status.  It also show’s he changed his Facebook network from Oklahoma to Arkansas (he’s not moving though I’ve found out).  I send Rub one brief text message for the night to tip him off that I know what’s up, but no reply.

Needless to say I don’t get a lot of sleep last night.  I can’t exactly go through the range of emotions I was feeling.  I didn’t know how much of the last few weeks had been a lie.  I’ve never had to go through anything like this and I couldn’t believe it was all really happening.

So finally this morning I get talk to Rub and get the full story.  Turns out, he met with LK some while in AR on Thursday and went back to see him on Sunday night rather than coming straight home.  He did not do anything with LK while he was with me and so far I believe his story.  The relationship with LK came about very quickly, really in a matter of a few days and since he last saw me.

I also find out that things may not have been as o.k.  as I though last time I was with him.  Since I started seeing him, we discussed my situation with Anginae.  He had given it a great deal of thought and he felt he would be ok with it.  Turns out the the more he thought of it, the less ok he was with having to “share” my affections with someone else.  He wanted a guy he could come home to every night and I wasn’t going to be that guy.  I wasn’t completely surprised by hearing that; I’d warned him about it from the very beginning but it was eventually something he was no longer comfortable with.  I wish he’d given me some more time to work this all out with Anginae.  We were just figuring this out ourselves and we knew that there was a good chance that I might want to spend more time with Rub.  But he should not have to settle for what he wants from a relationship and I’m ok with that.

What hurts is how I found this out from his Facebook page.  We’ve only been seeing each other since the beginning of June, so it’s not like we are in a serious committed relationship, but he knew how I felt about him and I thought I knew how he felt about me.  I didn’t peg him at all as the kind of guy who would, one, meet a guy like this without telling me and two, wait almost two fucking days to tell me.  Of course he says he was busy doing many, many things (which I believe he was), but I feel he could have a least held off spending the 5-10 minutes it took him to upload pics and change his Facebook (and Myspace) status until he told me what was going on.  He didn’t and he admits it was a mistake.  

So that’s it’s really.  My relationship with Rub, short as it was, is now over.  He wants to still be friends, and as I’ve thought about it, think I might still want to be as well once I get over him.  He was a great guy and this hurts a lot.  He said some amazing things about me and what pisses me off is that once I finally convinced myself to believe the things he says about me, this happens.  All I can say is last night was like a kick in the teeth.

He was my first, and what sucks is that every guy I meet from here on out is gonna be measured against him.  Right now it’s hard to imagine any other guy coming close to what he was.  I never imagined this would go on forever but I didn’t want it to end so soon and certainly not the way that it did.

I have a feeling it’s going to take me a while to get over him.

I’m Getting to Old For This Shit

That’s me, in the green shirt, passed out on the bed; that’s Rub, with his shirt off, laying next to me (damn he’s hot isn’t’ he?).  This pic was taken in our hotel room by Anginae at about 5 A.M. last Sunday morning right after we had rolled in from a night at the bars.

Last weekend was another relatively wild weekend for me.  It started of Friday night by taking Anginae to get a tattoo (two cherries on her right shoulder), going to dinner, and then hanging out for a little bit at the gay block party being held for Pride weekend in OKC.  It wasn’t bad, I got hit on by some old guy, but the best part was nearly running into my step brother.  We waved to him, but he was walking into a bar and didn’t see us (Anginae says he ignored us).

Next day Anginae and I drive a couple of hours to small city to hang out with Rub.  Rub is looking into buying the only gay bar in this town and was going to be bartending for the weekend.  We hang out, watch the drag show, drink beer and stick around until 1 AM when the place closes.  After that we go with a group that runs the bar to an all night diner and hang out there for a little bit.  At about 3 AM, Rub, Anginae, Little K (more on him in just a sec) and I go to another local bar and Rub proceeds to get me drunk.  After the 5-6 beers from earlier, he adds a Jack and Coke, a shot a Patron, a shot of Jagermeister, and finally a vodka and cranberry juice.  All damn good stuff I must say, but way plenty to get me drunk.  The kicker was the first full cigarette that I’ve ever smoked.  It was nice, but once the nicotine started working with the alchohol, I was done.  Rub and Anginae got me to stagger back to the car (they were not drunk) then a short drive back to the hotel, where I proceed to puke in the parking lot.  Shit I hate being such a pussy when it comes to drinking.

So here the night pretty much ends and there you see me above after it’s all over.  A few moments later I strip down to my underwear and cuddle up next to Rub for the night.  I get to wake up and lay with him for most of the morning which was pretty damn nice.  This is all new to me.  Not just being with Rub, but all of it.  It’s different, but it’s fun and I’m glad I am getting to experience all this.

One more thing I discovered was a serious jealous streak in me.  You see, Little K is a nice guy that hung out at the bar all night too.  This was actually his second night at the bar and had met Rub the previous night while Rub was bartending.  Rub is an extremely nice guy and was kind enough to let Little K hang out with us.  It was pretty quick to see that LK had his eyes on Rub as well.  Later in the evening he had more than his eyes on him, he had his hand on Rubs leg some of the night.  I wasn’t quite sure how to take all this, but I sure as hell was shooting jealous, evil looks at LK all evening long, something which Rub noticed me doing as well.  Nothing ever happened.  Rub nicely told LK he wasn’t looking for anything other than being friends, and LK eventually left.  There’s a bit more the the Rub/LK story, but I don’t want to go into it.

So there you go, another happenin’ weekend for me.  I was really glad Anginae got to go and she had a great time.  I think Rub may actually go through with buying this bar so I’m sure there is a good chance I will be back.  I don’t know how much more excitement I can take, but I guess I’m willing to try.

Kiss & Tell

Things continue to move along for both me and Anginae.  I’m not really going to go into any details about her (since she told me not to) but I can say all I want about me.

I shared the details of my first gay date and all that went on that evening.  Since then I’ve met Rub for lunch a couple of times and also went on a couple more dates.  The lunches have been just that, lunch.  I only have 45 min or so and that’s taking a long lunch so all we really get a chance to do is talk for a few minutes.  It’s nice but its short and sweet.

Our second date however is where things got a little more interesting.  It’s not so much where we went this time, but what we did….before the date really even started.   Let me just say that I have gathered more evidence that I really may be gay.  To put it bluntly, we made out, took off our clothes, he sucked my dick, I sucked his dick, we jerked each other off and to top it off, Rub shot is cum all over my chest.  Then we went out and had pizza.  Enough details for ya?

Second date proved just as interesting.  I met Rub after work the other night along with a friend of his at a nearby lake where Rub’s friend had pulled his ski boat out of storage for the first time this summer.  We pent a little time on the water before grabbing some dinner, changing and heading yet again to the same bar from a couple of weeks ago for karaoke.  Rub was going only to meet his sister-in-law and we wind up staying until they shut the place down.  Way too long for the both of us but he did not want to leave her behind.  We get to our motel room at about 2:30 A.M. (he does not have a place right now really……long story) and we of course don’t go straight to sleep.  More of the same as above except I now get to check topping a guy off my bucket list.  So we finally get to sleep about 4 A.M. only for both of us to have to wake about at about 7 A.M. for each of us to get to work (spending the night with a guy, check #2 for the night).  I’m really hoping the next date we have is not quite as hectic.

In between all this Rub has come over to the house to meet Anginae and the kids.  She and the kids really like him a lot; hell he’s a great guy so I wasn’t at all surprised.  I was really happy with how the evening he came over here went.  The three of us wound up sitting on the back porch ’til about 11:30 on a Sunday night.  BTW, Anginae decided to throw in getting really drunk on vodka to make the evening fun for all.

So that’s pretty much the summary of events of what all that has gone down with since the last post.  Like I’ve mentioned lots has happened with Anginae as well, but I think she is going to keep that to herself.  It’s not my business to talk about it really other than to say I know all about it and I’m completely ok with it.  So long as she comes home safe, is happy and honest with me about everything, we are good.  I’m not going to get into my feelings about Rub here just yet.  I’ve got a lot to say about that, but right now I’m just in the mood to give all the dirty details.