October 14, 2007

I’ve pretty much always known I was gay. At least since the time most guys probably start to notice the opposite sex. But I seemed to notice the same sex. I never knew why. I explained it to myself in many different ways. Denied it, thought it would go away, thought I could deal with it on my own, until I finally realized that I could keep it to myself no more. I finally told my best friend of almost 15 years….my wife.

It has been an interesting last 3 months to say the least. I’ve started to deal with some of the biggest issues in my life that I may ever deal with. This I know, my life is going to change in some way. Exactly how I don’t know yet. It is a relief to finally be able to confront some of the things that have haunted me for the last 20 to 25 years, but the anxiety of not knowing exactly how things will turn out can really get to me. I know that my wife still loves me and always will. I know that she and our kids will always be a very important part of my life. I want her in my life. I need her in my life. But I can’t seem to come to grips of how to be her husband and be gay. She accepts me for who I am. She is not asking me to change. She knows I want to be with a man. I still can’t figure out why she still loves me as much as she does, especially after I have lied to her for so long. As weird as it sounds, we love each other more than we did before I came out to her. Its funny what truth in a relationship can do. As hard and as painful as it can be, if someone truly loves you, the truth can only make a relationship stronger.