So this morning I somehow got to thinking about coming out to my mother and step-father. They are probably the next people I would like to tell. I think they would be the most supportive of me and my wife in whatever we do. I’m sure they won’t be excited. I mean my step-bother is also gay so I’m sure that they’ll just love the idea that both of their kids are gay. (I’ll get more into my step-brother some other time. There’s quite the story there as well) But they love me and my wife very much and I think would accept us as we are. At least they got a couple of grandkids out of me before I decided to come out! I don’t know exactly when I plan to tell them, but I have a feeling it will be sooner rather than much later for some reason.
But as I was thinking about all this, something else dawned on my. Am I really doing this. Am I really going to come out of the closet (albeit very, very slowly). This is something that for pretty much all of my life I have never even remotely considered. Am I really going to admit that I am gay. Do I really know what this could possibly all mean for the rest of my life, to be identified as being gay. I know I’m gay. I’m not confused about my lifelong attraction to the same sex. Yes, I am a bit confused about how I have such a strong relationship with my wife but yet still be so confident that I’m gay. But beyond how to explain the last 15+ years of my hetero life, I’m quite clear on my attraction towards men. I just can’t believe this is going to happen. Am I ready? If not when will I be? Can I really do this to my family? I mean this really is a purely selfish act on my part. One side of me says I’ve made my hetero bed, now I have to sleep in it. Isn’t it too late to do a 180 degree turn in my life. I’m not thinking of ditching my wife and kids, I want them to be a daily part of my life, but I can’t help but feel that this can only impact them in a negative way. But despite that, the idea of having to bury being gay for the rest of my life is a much harder idea to swallow. I think my wife knows that, and because she loves me so much she’s not asking me to change. She knows I’ve tried and I can’t. I’ve often thought that I am being much more selfish than her. I mean she has said more than once that she loves me so much and wants me to be happy, even if that means she has to give part of me up. But if I love her as much as I say that I do shouldn’t I give up being gay for her. I can’t do that though, and I feel like a selfish jerk for it.
I don’t know when or if it will ever sink in for either one of us. Their is a lot to figure out, and more than just the two of us to think of. I do know that I want to do it together. This isn’t easy and I can’t do it without her. I’ve come out, and I don’t think I’ll ever be going back in.
I admire your courage in telling your wife and coming to terms with this. I cannot begin to imagine the struggle you are experiencing. I hope that you find peace and love and understanding with all your loved ones, and especially with yourself. Thank you for putting these thoughts here to share.
You sum up the dilemma well. I am going through the same thing in my marriage and find it confusing as well. Which is more selfish - honoring your commitment and staying in your marriage at the cost of burying your gay self for the rest of your life (seems kind of tragic) and keeping your wife from finding a real straight guy to love or finally coming out and living life as a gay man — but leaving your wife to pick up the pieces. I really don’t have the answer - I wish I did. But as my wife and I have been working through this (since summer 2007) its become clear to me that as much as I want us to make decisions about our future jointly (it would be so much easier and reduce the level of guilt I feel), the hard decisions are going to have to be mine — she is supportive but is not taking the lead.
Nice blog. I’ll keep reading.
You are right that you will never be able to go back in. I am like you in that I’ve been married for a while, 2 kids, and still love sex with my wife. Even though my attraction to men is strong, I am not ready to say I am gay. Maybe not even to myself, but certainly not to my wife.
As someone on another blog wrote, coming out to your wife is like pulling her into the closet. In my case, I don’t think my wife would be as supportive as yours.
Good luck in figuring this out.
I think you’re one of the few guys who still want to stay with their wives after coming out.
really admirable you are.
I would be more than a little confused if i were you.
my ex knew i had stringer feelings for guys than girls from day one and we never came to any understanding on this topic. you have one great wife and i bet she will help you more than you can imagine.
If you feel ready to come out to your family, then you better do it, thinking too much sometimes makes it harder to decide.