For some reason this question has been weighing on me heavily lately. Just the general question of my sexuality that is. I know that I’m not straight, but am I bisexual or am I gay. All my life I’ve never really considered myself to be bisexual. Before all this it’s not actually something I’ve ever gave a great deal of thought too. But why is it I’m reluctant to use bisexual as a way to describe myself. It may after all explain a lot of things. But in a way, it makes things a lot more confusing to me and I don’t have a good answer as to why.
All these years of trying to figure it out in my head by myself, I never really thought “well maybe I’m bisexual”. I guess that’s because the hetero side of my life has been a choice. I didn’t choose to be gay. Ever since I’ve thought about sex, it’s pretty much just been about guys. I can recall when I was an early teen, when I was alone and doing the thing that most young teenage boys do by themselves, I would usually think about guys, but sometimes I would force myself to think about girls. I had to because I just had to be normal. My mind would wander of course, but occasionally I would be successful at it, but I definitely had to make a conscious effort. I would always feel guilty after jacking off thinking about guys, but if I was successful at doing it while thinking about girls, I would always feel that if I just keep it up I would get guys out of my mind. I guess I didn’t try hard enough.
In all the occasions I have looked at porn, I have only sought out gay porn. I never recall going to the web and looking for straight porn. I’ve seen it, and I could get off to it if I wanted to, but I’ve never gone looking for it. I mean I can see people having sex and be aroused by it. I could probably be aroused by seeing two women have sex. It’s the idea of seeing two people get off to one another that is arousing. I would not aroused by the women themselves, just what they are doing. If I were to look at just a picture of a nude woman by herself, I wouldn’t really do much for me, but seeing just a guy by himself would. When I look at gay porn, I’m turned on by what they are doing, but also by just looking at the guys themselves. I can walk right by a Victoria Secret in the mall and not give a glance to the pictures of pics in lingere, but I’ve purposely walked into and Abercrombie and Fitch to look at the pictures of the guys on the walls.
I guess in some way I feel pressure to describe myself as bi. I don’t know why but at the moment I do. I think in some way because Anginae feels that I am bi, or at least wants me to be. I’m sure it would help her explain this a bit. At this point, I guess I’m not 100% confident in myself to say if she’s right or wrong. I guess I’m just confused as to how and explain all of my feelings I’ve had for her over the last 16 years. I love her and when I married her I loved her. I know my feelings for her are very real, but I just feel this need to explain my attraction towards her.
I guess it’s probably natural to question my sexuality in all this. It is a pretty confusing matter. I’m just so afraid of letting Anginae down somehow. I want to be something for her and I’m afraid I won’t be. I want to be straight for her and for myself and I don’t think I can be.
Well shit Jay. I don’t want you to be bi. I just want you to figure things out. I don’t like feeling unattractive.
I really cant say anything to help you figure things out easier or quicker but to me bisexuality is not a label to be used for long, you gotta decide which way you are. if you wanna stay with anginae and have your usual straight life then why in the hell you shared your little secret with her and made her feel so unattractive that i guess she’s not.
You’re saying you thought of guys since early age that sounds pretty gay to me, then definitely you cant explain your feeling for her.
I think in life we need a soul-mate and a fuck buddy, if you’re lucky enough to find one person for both means then you’re definitely the winner , other than that you keep on looking and looking. fuck buddies wont get hurt much but soul-mates will hurt really bad. i really don’t know you and your wife but it seems anginae is the other half for you but she cant be your fuck buddy.
it is all up to you to decide whether you want to look for somebody who can fulfill your sexual need s or not. whatever decision you make it will hurt your wife so try to hurt her as less as possible but stop calling yourself bi, i mean it!
Nate says: “to me bisexuality is not a label to be used for long, you gotta decide which way you are”
That “to me” in there is crucial Nate, because you aren’t bi and can’t speak for those who are. A bisexual is bisexual, that’s the way he/she is. They don’t have to decide to be anything else, any more than you have to decide to be straight.
@badman: surely that “to me” is the whole point. Personally I don’t have any problem with bisexuals, I was just trying to help Jay. he’s confused enough that he doesn’t need more things to worry about so I just wanted to suggest him stick to that gay being and try to solve things that way.
I don’t call myself bisexual anymore but I’ve been there and it’s a lot more confusing than being gay.
TO ME bisexuality is a choice but homosexuality is not.
anyway I respect all my bisexual friends and why you thought I’m straight, cos i’m not and honestly i’m happy about it!
Jay,
This is something I struggled with a while back. Just remember, no matter what you call yourself, you’re still gonna be you.
All my best,
Bigg
Sexually, how you describe your desires and attractions are pretty much where I place myself and how I ultimately determined I was gay.
However, I think it might help if you put a bit of a crobar in the orientation issue. When it comes to finding men or women sexually appealing in a stand-alone sense, you’re discussing your sexual orientation. Glancing through your blog and this post, it would very much seem that your sexual orientation is gay.
However, emotional orientation is an entirely different matter. Even gay men can become emotionally attached – and fall in love with – women. Of course, that emotional fluidity is often minimized in a world that oftentimes demands absolute labels to more easily and comfortably define things.
Powerful, emotional love can very easily foment physical attractions where they might not otherwise be present. While my current situation isn’t on the same scale as yours, I’d present my current boyfriend as an example. He could not be more distant from my usual type. When confronted with his physical type on the street in the form of strangers, I’d generally never give a second glance. But I met him and liked his personality and ultimately fell for him on an emotional and intellectual level. I love everything about his personality. Somehow that alchemized into a powerful physical attraction. Now, I think he’s the cutest thing on two legs.
Our emotions and attachments color our physical attractions to no small degree. So it is more than possible that you are in fact gay, but that you also find your wife attractive and desireable. They’re not mutually exclusive things.
It sounds like you’re searching for a label to ease other people’s understanding of your situation and relationship rather than your own. From the sounds of it, it seems you have a fairly good handle on your sexual orientation and your feelings for your wife. It’s in trying to explain it to others and easing their understanding of the relationship that you start stumbling over the label question. Don’t. Your explanation is sufficient, I think, for the people close to you. You’re a gay man who fell in love with a woman and has chosen to follow that love into a relationship. Nothing else should be required of you in way of explanation.
Hi Nate,
I think I have a pretty good Idea of what you’re going through. If I had not cheated to my girlfriend with another woman about 15 years ago, we would probably be married now and with kids, and I would probably be in a similar situation.
But I cheater on her, and that changed things for us. She stayed in the relationship to get back at me, thing she did by making believe she was cheating on my with this guy she met. I went crazy at the thought of loosing and even threaten them both. When I found out his family’s address in long Island, and her knowing how determing I can be, she decide it “end the relationship” with the other guy. But she still would go back with me.
With the other guy out of the picture, I had to figure a way to get her back, I tried everything for two weeks, and failed. And then I thought; “If I share my big secret with her, it would be the ultimate act of love”, so I did. I told her I liked men. I know I can recollect how the conversation went, but it would get long. The bottom line was that I told her that I loved her so much that I was willing to give those desires up for her.
For better or for worse (for who can be sure what would have happend if she had accepted me) she didn’t.
After our breakup I seeked to explore and fulfill my attraction for men, and I can tell you that I’m really glad I did. I slowly but surely started coming out to my friends, which, at the time, were “our” friends, and then friends from my childhood, and then to the family. It hasn’t been easy, and still today, there are people who I haven’t touched the subject out of respect to my mother. However, I’m feel very accomplish to have had the courage to be who I really am. And the pleasures that have come with it, are just perks.
Now, I’d like to make one distinction here Nate; One;s sexual preference has nothing to do with feelings. Off course you love your wife. And I still love my ex-girlfriend, who’s now a lesbian herself, and remains one of my best, if not my best friend. If you read your post again with an open heart, you will find the answers to your questions. Answers that only you Anginae, and a fear-blinded person may not see.
You may be bisexual, or you may not be. However I think a more crucial question is whether you will give yourself the chance to explore who you are. “Who you are” can’t be answered here, or in any other place other than out there in life.
After I broke up with my girlfriend, I went on a binch of sexual indulgence with men. I was able to cofirm and enjoy my attraction for men which continues to be are ardent as the sun.
However, through out the years, I have met several women who have just rocked my boat. But I decided after the suffering that I caused my girlfriend that I wasn’t going to lie about who I am anymore. Some girls didn’t care, while one vomitted after the expensive indian dinner I bought her when I told her. I’m still very fearful about approaching women, because I don’t want ot give my men, but everyday I become stronger about owning up to whom I am, and I know some day soon I’ll be really free just to fuck whom I ever I want.
But having sex, and sharing a life with someone is a different thing. And society tells us that we “must” be monogamous and share our life with one person. But is this true for everyone? Not to me, the more I think about it, my dream come true would be a bisexual man, or woman, who wants TO SHARE his/her life ONLY ME, regardless of whom we may want to fuck every now and then…. now that’s me… and I know there are happy couples like that, and I now there are happy monogamous couples too. So I think that what we need to do as a society is to focus more on the INDIVIDUAL’S NEEDS, as supposed to what THE MARJORITY, thinks is RIGHT.
I’m seeing a married man since January this year of 2008, one to whom after being attached to hir/girlfriend/wife for 14 years has now had the courage to admit his desires for men. I am the first man he kisses and had sex with at age 43. He’s got two gorgeous kids, that may soon have a broken family.
And that is a situation I think can be prevented, or at least reduce its probabilities if we as a society beging to accept our differences.
Nate, why don’t you start with yourself. Be strong….for the love you feel for Anginae, let her free to find a man who will fuck the brains out with gusto, while she’s young and beautiful..and Anginae you do the same for Nate. I PROMISE YOU THE LOVE YOU FEEL FOR EACHTOTHER, IF REAL LOVE, WILL ONLY GROW.
Also, do it for your children. They will be happier around you, and please, start speaking to them that there are boys who love girls, and boys who love boys and vice versa… so that they one day don’t have to break someone’s heart, or their own. At least not for being afraid of who they are.
O, one more piece of information. There are less gay/lesbians in the world, for one thing, because the statisctic shows that they commit suicide during the teeange year due to fear of rejection and societal pressure.
So, Nate,… you’re already a winner! Now go on and live your life…. men are delicious too!
One love,
Roberto.
Relax.
It’s very possible to be emotionally hetero and sexually gay. That’s actually how I feel about myself… Emotionally I see my self with a woman, and I love my wife and don’t want to be with anyone else. Sexually, I’m totally horny for guys… 
Now, I’m a bit different from you though – I’m definitely more bi. I get a bit hot under the collar walking past a Victoria’s Secret, and I do get turned on by hot women… I feel that technically I’m bi, but with a heavy slant towards homosexual. I’m OK calling myself gay in general terms (broad strokes), but if I get technical about it, I’m technically Bisexual… You CAN have it both ways… you don’t HAVE to choose… (you personally, I mean. I’m not saying your wife would go along with that — that’s a whole other thing. But I mean within yourself).
Don’t worry about trying to label yourself. Just understand what you like and what you want, and go from there. Sounds like you love your wife and want to be with her, so long as she is OK with the fact that men make you horny…
…and SHE should understand that your attraction to men has NOTHING to do with her and that it doesn’t mean she’s not sexy… a lot of women think that because the guy is gay, it means she’s unattractive and that’s just not the case. My wife is a HOTTIE and I’m TOTALLY attracted to her! Hubba hubba…
Eric
Hi Eric,
Question, I think it would help the married guy I’m seeing if to know about the different marriage agreeements. I have told him that maybe his wife would not mind that he sleeps with men as long as they stay together. However, his feelings are that, even though he loves his wife, like Nate, inside he feels that he’s predominantly gay and may want to share the rest of his life with man, and not a woman. And the reason, he tells me, he doesn elaborate on his desires for men with his wife is because he doesn’t want to hurt her or see her suffer.
So, does your wife know you are horny for guys? And if so, what is the agreement between the two of you? Are you able to have sex with guys if you wanted to, or do you remain monogamous, just like some (the few) heterosexual men who are horny for women but practice monogamy any way?
Thanks!
Roberto.
**** Nate, I agree with Eric about understanding who you are. I hope I don’t come accross as pushy in my previous email…what I mean is that to understand oneself we must explore who we are. And that, according to the way you describe your feelings…your love for Anginae might be something you grew into in your efforts to do what society sells as the right thing to do: be heterosexual.
Hi Roberto,
One thing I’ve learned is that there are as many opinions as there are people in the world, so everyone’s different and “…your mileage may vary.”
With that said, I’ll give you *MY* personal experience, and what I’ve witnessed as broad stroke generalities…
First, there’s the issue of monogamy as you’ve raised. It really doesn’t matter if you’re straight or gay or bi or whatever — the average wife won’t be thrilled about her guy going off and having sex with someone else, period. It’s not a gay thing, but a monogamy thing… how many wives would be OK with their (straight) man going off and sleeping with other (straight) women? Sure, it happens, but it’s not the general situation… 99% of the time it’s a big fat NO! So this has nothing to do with gay or straight, it’s about fidelity in a marriage, jealousy and all sorts of other things. A woman wants to feel special, and like she can satisfy whatever your needs are.
Now, that said, the whole “swinging” culture is one in which (generally speaking) the couple does it to enrich their own sex lives as a couple… I find it erotic to see my wife pleasured and having a good time… she gets all fired up and then I reap the rewards too…
And it can be an opportunity for bisexual folks to satiate the carnal needs they have that their partners just can’t fulfill even if they wanted to… my wife likes girls. I like guys. It’s hot to see her with another woman. She finds it hot to see me with another man. (she originally thought it would “gross her out” in her words, but she kept an open mind and in the end found that it was actually pretty cool…)
But I do have to keep an eye on what I do and say, and tone things down a notch or two, because I don’t want her to feel bad as if I don’t want her and just want someone else, because that’s not the issue either and Idon’t want to send the wrong message…
So… my situation is that we’re both bi. We’ve been through various “tests” and explorations and have settled into the fact that we very much prefer a threesome over a foursome (the more people you add, the complications from interactions goes up exponentially). We’re open to both ways — MMF and MFF so we both get to indulge our homosexual fantasies…
Based on what I’ve said so far, you can probably understand too why we’ve also learned that “play mates” or “…friends with benefits…” works far better than “…dating…”. You can’t have a 3-way marriage. Even if it starts out good, it just does NOT work. I hope Anginae and Jay are reading this…
“dating” per se is not going to work. Because the emotional bonds that form become problematic. Humans are wired for one-to-one relationships. You can’t be out with your boyfriend all the time or else Wife gets jealous and upset (rightfully so by the way) and misses you, etc. And it’s not fair to the boyfriend because he wants to spend time with you but you have family obligations… etc. and so forth. But just good friends that get together and play around and have sexual fun & experiences, but on the level of “good friends, and playmates” is what works… Then you’re both free to invest your emotional selves in each other as a married couple.
We’ve had situations with men and women where the 3rd got way too attached, pushy and tried to wedge in between us. It’s just to emotionally draining, especially when you have a wife/husband, kids, etc. and the 3rd person doesn’t… an in both cases where things went bad for us, it was a single person with nothing else to be occupied with whom started getting too attached and actually getting jealous of US because she was spending family time with me this weekend or vice-versa…
And with all that said… This is sort of implied, but I’ll come out and say it: when the 3 of you play together, then it’s about the couple and sharing experiences. If Jay goes off on a “date” and/or has sex alone, then it’s about him and someone else, and Anginae is GOING to feel hurt, jealous, angry and (d) all the above. And rightfully so. My wife and I are both bi, so I’ve seen it both ways… I’ve been on the receiving end to where a girl started getting way too clingy and started actually lying and making up stories to try to create a wedge… they get jealous and possessive themsleves and then try to cut out the spouse and take the person for themselves. It can be weird sh*t and I’m sure things are already complicated enough in their lives!
My wife likes girls and was actually living with (and sleeping with) a girl when I met her. But it was more “…just because…” and she doesn’t consider herself lesbian at all. In other words, she doens’t go LOOKING for girls, she just had a friend who needed a roomate and they went in together on rent (theoretically…the other girl never ended up paying and just leeched off her but that’s a whole other story) and the other girl was VERY into girls (I think she’s actually a lesbian) and so she came onto my wife and my wife was all good with it and it happened… but she doesn’t necessarily go looking for it… on the kinsey scale of 1 to 6 she’s a 2 or 3 … predominantly hetero but open to bisexual encounters. I, on the other hand, am a 4 or 5 … predominantly homosexual but open to both… I think I’m actually “emotionally hetero, sexually homo”. Sex with men turns me on and when I fantasize it’s typically about men. But emotionally I see myself growing old with a woman. That’s probably part of my “gayness” too — I have always preferred being with and hanging with women… I’m straight acting in public, but femme under the sheets.
So yes, my wife knows I’m horny for guys. She’s mixed about it… on one hand she’s fine with it and it turns her on to watch me do it… but I think she wishes I were not QUITE so much into it… she wishes I could turn it on and off more like she can, whereas I’m pretty much gay all the time… Personally, I enjoy talking about it and I’m open and honest, but I have to watch what I say occassionally, so as not to overload her… she’s OK with it, but doesn’t want it in her face 24/7…
So… I get to play, but it’s “…from time to time…” when the situation is right, and it’s a safe, sane situation/person, and it’s the 3 of us. I do not “date” guys or go out on my own or do hookups — in my opinion that’s no different than a straight guy dating other women — it’s a marriage and fidelity issue.
Hope that helps.
Eric
Hi Eric!
And thanks so much for your reply. I think it will help my married friend.
Like I had said in my previous email about who ‘my’ ideal soulmate could be, I think it would be another bisexual person. In that way the other person can understand one better.
In my friend’s case, his wife’s just finding out about him (because like I said before, he’s just had the courage to admit it to himself), and it sounds like she’s not bisexual and is not interested in threesomes. She just said that the other night.
So now his big question is how to tell her that he want’s/needs to be with men ((( well he says not men, but with “me”). Also, it sounds like they’re having other problems in their marriage other than his own inner sexual conflicts or feelings.
I just started this relationship, because once I came out of the closet too, and it was so hard having noone there for me. A gay person I mean. So then I started going to the bars…etc..I think it makes a great difference to have a friend, someone who can show the other gay person that one can actually have an emotionally healthy and nurturing relationship…..with another man.
My only concern with my friend is that he stays in a relationship just not to hurt his wife or affect his children, being miserable and not being able to live as he really wishes.
He’s a great guy and very caring, and it was just this past january when we met, and when I told him that if he wanted to see me, he’d have to speak to his wife because I didn’t want to be part of a situation like that..(where someone was betrayed).and he did, but his wife never brought up the subject again.
I felt he was courageous and tried his best so I agree to see him.
He just had a conversation with her the other night. He told her that his gay feelings are not a passing thing. She told him she wanted to stay married, but that she was embarrassed he was gay, and that if he wanted to divorce it was up to him, but that she’s not going to stay in the city with the children nor she intents to remarry. ..
I totally understand. I said that maybe they should go for therapy….but he says she doesn’t believe in therapy.
All this time I have told him that we didn’t know how she would react. But now we do…at least for now…I think it’s all very fresh and that if i were in her place (shit in his place I’ve been and is equally devastating) I would be devastated….it’s been 14 years together and two children….let alone all the financial entanglements…
So, my being here has little to do with me, but it does too.I’m an intelligent, handsome latino man who’s single by choice (and he’s been out with me so he knows what I’m saying), I actually do go out and date and go on with my life. However I have to admit that I have also found a special friend with ….well….my married friend. He listens and cares and is doesn’t judge me.
Now the big reason I’m here is because I feel that my friend and I should begin to be more friends and less of lovers. I can be wild and love to have adventures, but like you’ve said, dating involves an emotional attachment. I think I’ve done a great job at remaining objective in my advice to him. But our last dates have not been as fun…I’m always alert not to let my emotions get in the way…but I am an emotional guy, so it’s like swimming against the river.
I have deep love for d#@$% as a human being. And I’ve thought that making other friends here can be healthy for the two of us.
I actually think his wife should visit here too…but hey… people are free thinkers and actually I found this blog by “accident”…while researching something else.
While speaking to my married friend while at I was at work, he was telling me he was sorry about this and that….that he wanted to be with me and the whole nine…but I couldn’t be clear since I had my coworkers next to me…. I wanted to say that my only interest is that he leads an emotional healthy life.
So I was thinking to tell him that since his wife told him that it was up to him, but that if they opted for separating it wouldn’t be until December…. ((( which I think is too soon, I think they should go for therapy or spent some more time speaking about all the possibilities, including how they can remain being the best parents for their children, and I have even told my friend that they should remain living together until the children are older, they’re only 5 and 3 I think, and it wouldn’t be fair that one parent stays with the heavier load of the work, specially not her))) …..that he should be brave and tell her he needs some time/space/or nights or social space to explore his gay feelings… where he doesn’t have to lie about where he goes or escape work…. to be with a friend (((this friend does not have to be me))).
So the big question is, how can this nice man take care of his family, make sure he doesn’t hurt his wife more than necessary, while he takes care of himself?
Any ideas anyone????
This is to my married friend:
I think you should consider writing here…you can use a different name. Noone can express better what you think and feel than yourself.
roberto.
Well shit Roberto. You are nearly describing my situation with Jay. Except for a few minor details. I’m not embarrassed that Jay is gay – actually I’m proud of who he is. But I want to protect my children from a lot of the hate and persecution that they would encounter if people in this redneck town were to find out.
You big question (at the end of your comment) is what I’d like answered as well. It is hard for some people to believe that these closeted gay men like your friend and my husband actually enjoy the “hetero-life” they’ve made for themselves. Meaning that the love their families, their kids, etc. Coming out of the closet is not all about ditching your responsibilities and running away with a nice gay man to have sex. Gay men living hetero lives made these choices. Whether it was out of fear, expectation, or love, they chose to live as hetero. It’s not fair that our society is not more accepting to homosexuals so that their never is a closet for them to hide in. But I’m thankful that Jay made the choices he did. I wouldn’t be a mommy if he didn’t.
I really admire you Roberto. A lot of gay men in your position would tell their bf to leave their wives and would not tolerate nor care about the feelings of the wife or children. You actually sound like you have the wife’s best interest at heart. Any guy would be lucky to have you.
Love to ya,
Anginae