So I resigned my my job. I gave my dad written notice on Monday. I start my new job on April 14th. I’m pretty excited and nervous at the same time about it. I think I will really like it there but I’m gonna have to bust my ass to get up the speed like they want. It will be nice to work for someone though where I can feel I know where I stand simply on my job performance and not an anything else.
But my Dad’s reaction and the subsequent days that have followed have made things a bit more muddled in my head. Have I really done the right thing. My head says hell yeah, but my guy or heart or whatever it is just is not so sure at the moment. I guess it should have been expected, but for some reason I did not anticipate feeling this way.
I’m left wonder what will happen between us after I’m gone. For the last 6 years, I’ve had nearly daily contact with him. We weren’t really close, but I was in his life. Before I started working there, I would call him at least once a week to see how things were going and just to keep in touch. We would see each other sometimes, but not a lot. But when I leave, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. At least not for a long time anyway. And since I’m not really interested in keeping in contact, I don’t know when or if things will ever get resolved. I don’t know how they will. If it were just a disagreement between he and I it might be different. But a lot of this issue is with my step mother, and I don’t see her changing anytime soon. Plus, with what they have said about Anginae, it makes it much worse. For me, it’s not so much what they said about her, but why they said it. It’s how they came to that conclusion. It’s how that can come out and say something like that about her when she has done nothing purposely against them. It’s how they can come to judge a person like that they never really know. I don’t know if or how we can ever regain their trust.
I think I’m basically just tired of fighting it right now. I’m done with trying to figure out and working on my relationship with him. I’m done feeling like I need to be a certain way and act a certain way to make them happy. I guess that’s been the story of my life over the last few months. After coming out to Anginae, I’ve given up on some big battles I’ve waged within myself all my life. I’ve decided to quit fighting being gay, decided that quit fighting the fact that I don’t believe in God and never really have been able to, and finally I’ve quit fighting trying to fit into a family that I have never really felt I belong. Fighting yourself is hard and tiring.
I don’t know what giving up on all these fights will mean in the end. Maybe they are fights that I’m supposed to fight. Those fights are part of life that all people must endure and I’m wrong for giving up on them. Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m lazy. I just don’t know.
Obviously, you’re tired of all that fights but giving them up all together gives you lots of time and not much to think of, you’ll get bored i guess.
Try to be a bit nice to yourself, things gonna be fine!
So it seems more than coincidental that you are giving up on all these struggles at the same time. But maybe you should not give up totally on them, but give them a rest. You already have stopped putting in so much energy by not fighting them. So just go with the flow, and see how you come out in a few months. You may surprise yourself. Good luck with the last few days at your old job.
Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. Don’t think of it as giving up. I don’t usually quote song lyrics but Alanis Morissette said:
“The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle.
The moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down.”
The song is titled “Thank You” and says a lot about what you are going through…have a listen
My gut says to feel proud of you, brother!
There is really no “right” or “wrong” in this. You are being courageous in taking this step… and if there were nothing to fear, there would be no need for courage. Keep moving and looking forward, and you will find peace!
Giving up all of those battles means that for a while you will be happy and you need that. It will make you stronger. When it is time you will revisit those things and resolve them if necessary. Don’t rush it and don’t worry. If you are happy then that means you are doing the right thing.