Options

I’ve been working on this post for a while.  I’ve had a hard time writing it for some reason.  It’s something I’ve had on my mind for a little while and wanted to blog about, but every time I have a chance to sit down and work on it, I’m not in the mood.  So if it seems kinda broken up and hard to follow, that’s why.

So the new job has started, and other than getting my mind wrapped around all that I have to learn in a relatively short amount of time, that should be all that I’m worried about right? Well I guess not. Anginae was recently commenting herself how busy everything has been lately, what with her new job and now my new job, but the gay thing seems to be bugging us both. A recently we got to go out alone and have a nice Sunday brunch at one of our favorite restaurants. We did that and did a little shopping; it was nice to get out and have some time together alone. But part of the conversation was a bit emotional talking about it. I think she just wishes I could give her a clear answer as to what I want. I wish I could give her one, but what I seem to want is very conflicting.

Part of me wonders why this is bothering us now of all times. I think it is on both our minds because I finally may have a resolution to my dad and work. I have been thinking for the last few months that I’ve gotta get my dad & work situation taken care of before I can really think about the gay thing. Well that’s done so maybe a mental block has been removed and now it’s in the forefront of my thoughts again. Its kinda like that now that all that other shit is pretty much out of the way, this is still there on the table. It’s not something we avoid talking about really. We both try to keep a good sense of humor about it all, but it is a very serious thing, and it can be difficult to talk about what the serious ramifications of all this could mean. I’m sure that’s mostly in part that pretty much all that I’ve done so are is tell that that I’m gay. I’ve never really said what that is I want (besides the obvious).

It really is hard to know exactly what I want. When I think of that question, it is hard for me to separate, what I want if I could choose what I want versus what I want from the realistic options that may be available to me.

Ideally, I would say I’m not gay, I’m not going to be gay, I don’t desire a relationship with a man and never will, forget the last few months ever happened and live the rest of our lives together as we have the last 12 years. That would honestly be my ideal #1 choice if I could pick anything. I wish more than anything that I could be who I am with what I have, minus being gay. That would be great. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen. To be 100% straight that is. I’ve tried for almost 20 years but to no avail. I don’t know what could possible happen from here on out that could possibly change that.

Well since I can’t make myself not gay, I guess option #1 is out. So what would option #2 be? That’s not as easy as #1, but I guess it would have to be that I live my life as gay, have a relationship with a man that cares for me and my family, still have my wife as my best friend, and be the same dad to my kids that I am today. Again, this option is a bit too pie in the sky for me. It’s the “have my cake and eat it too option”. I don’t know if this one could really happen. I just can’t help but feel that were this to really happen, that it would be impossible for Anginae not to harbor anger and resentment towards me (which she would have every right to). I’m not sure I can really handle that.

Option #3 I guess would be to pretty much do nothing. Keeps things the status quo as much as possible. To try and forget the last 6 months or so and try to forget about being gay as much as possible. I don’t quite know how I feel about this option. It’s offers both the easiest and the hardest options all in one. This one presents the least amount of problems for everybody else in my life. Nothing really has to change except for me. I just have to try and forget about something, but I don’t know if I can do that. Like I’ve said before, I don’t quite know how to be married and gay. Of course I’ve been married all this time and been gay, but that was when it was just my secret. Now that Anginae knows, it all of a sudden seems different. I have to put something back in the closet after I’ve let it out. I haven’t figured out how to do that yet or even if it can be done (or if I really want to do that). When I told Anginae, I finally had some relief that I could finally be honest with who I am, despite how painful it may be. But that was quickly followed by the realization that there was a lot more to it than just telling her. Telling her that I’m gay is a hell of a lot easier than living my life as a gay man. Don’t confuse the difficulty in taking this option because it means that I have to spend the rest of my life married to Anginae. I know it’s hard to understand, but me telling her had nothing to do with something being wrong her. It had to do with not feeling I could hide who I was anymore. Right now, I feel like for option 3 to be successful, I have to give up being gay. I wish I could figure out why the idea of giving up something i’ve never really had is so hard, but that is really to tough part about it. I don’t really know what I would be giving up. And I also don’t know how to make the desire to be with a man go away.

I can’t really come up with anything beyond those three options. I guess, simply put I want a be gay. Ive spent the better part of my life fighting it and trying to deny it and I’m tired of doing that.  I want to finally see if that is what I want. But I don’t want to lose Anginae. I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt the things that are most important to me in life. I also don’t know if I can change who I am. I don’t want to commit to being something again and break that commitment years down the road. These are all questions I’ve run through in my head countless times. Maybe I will eventually come up with an answer.