You may recall my previous post in which I basically laid out the three options I feel I have to deal with this whole mess. I’m sure there are other options possible, I just can’t figure out what they are. My first choice would to be perfectly straight, and be completely turned off by men (hasn’t happened yet), second was to just be gay, have a boyfriend, but still have Anginae in my everyday life and be a good father, and third was to just try and go back as best as possible to the way things were before October 14, 2007.
I think I’m gonna go with option #3. It’s the only choice I have really. Plus it’s the easiest. I can’t undo all that I have done over the last 15 plus years of my life for the hell of it. I also can’t undo what has happened over the last six months, but I can at least try and move on from them. Anginae knows my secret. I have shared something important with her and that is a good thing. That does not mean I need to do anything about it.
I can’t let a selfish desire destroy the lives of those I care most about. I can think of countless negatives and bad things that would happen if I choose to live my life gay. I can’t think of one good or positive thing that would happen if I choose to live my life as a gay man. Option 3 means I just have to get over it. Big damn deal really. There are people who have to deal with much more difficult shit in their lives that that.
I’m a husband and a father. I’m a relatively successful professional and a active member of our church. I’m a son and son-in-law. I am a normal hetero guy in all of these parts of my life. If I’m gay, I really can’t be any of these things anymore. I don’t have the right to change all of this. I made the choice to be straight a long time ago. I can’t change my mind now.
I’m tired of dealing with all this shit. I’m ready to move on. I’m tired of talking about how I can live being gay. I can’t and so I just need to get over it and move on. I know it sounds like I’m gonna try and just shove myself back in the closet, but that’s not how I look at it. I’m gonna try and come out of the closet, but shut and lock the gay part inside and leave it there. It will be hard at times, but so is any other option that I have.
This way, I can keep the other people in my life happy and take care of them. I can be there for Anginae and no have her worry about me leaving her or running away. Being able to make them happy will make me happy. It’s my responsibility to take care of my family. Being gay would betray that.
I know it may sound that I am hastily coming to this decision, especially since I just blogged about my options a few days ago. But these are basically the options I’ve that I have running through my head over and over again since I came out to Anginae. I’m ready to move on, and stop discussing this all the time. I’m gay, so what. It’s something I’ll just have to deal with one day at a time. Being gay is not the life I chose so I just gotta live with it.
I think you have made a great decision. Now please go talk with your wife about it.
Been there, done that, dude. Sometimes it’s not your choice. 6 months after my dlsclosure to my wife, she left me. She loved me a lot but she said she couldn’t see me struggling and suppressing who I was. She opted for tough love and right she was. That happened back in 2003. I now consider myself as a fully adjusted gay man and am living with a loving boyfriend. I wanted to stay in touch with my wife but she had moved on and was married a few years ago and had a baby. I guess it was lucky that we didn’t have any kids together.
Just thought you might like another perspective. The moral behind the story is - it takes a great deal to deny yourself and to my way of thinking would eventually destroy your psyche. It’s simply not healthy.
Thank you Sean for saying this. That is basically what I have tried to tell Jay. I don’t think it’s healthy to deny who you are. No one said he had to make this decision quickly. He is putting everyone else’s needs before his own.
I’m with Sean… and with Jay!
Jay’s decision is a tough one - one that I have made too. I find that I have to take it one day at a time. I just decide to live today as a faithful, loving, husband and father.
Some days are harder than others. Some days I wonder if we will make it. Some days I wonder if she’d be better off without me. Some days I can’t imagine being away from my children for more than a day.
But I just keep deciding that today I’m going to be the husband I promised to be.
Maybe one day I’ll make a different decision, but that day hasn’t come yet.
Another thing: we can’t go back to pretending I’m straight. Being honest about what I’m thinking and feeling and deciding is part of what seems to be making things work. So, Jay, go with option three… but keep yourself honest and decisive!
God be with you!
Hhhhmmm I really have no idea, that helps a lot, right?!
Doesn’t sound easy at all - actually I guess I know it’s not, since I’ve kind of made the same conclusion.
As far as “don’t deny who you are” - well, there’s “who you are”, and there’s “who you want to be”. Sounds like you’ve got a clear idea of both. There’s a lot of stuff that guys can get hung up on when they want to be the husband, father, and man they want to be - alcohol, drugs, gambling, work, sex.
Strange how “Honey, I’m an alcoholic” would never get the reaction “if that’s who you are, then embrace it”. Not to compare being attracted to men to an addiction like that - but in your case it sounds like it’s just as much of an obstacle as alcohol could be.
Sounds like you’ve got a harder row to hoe than some - best of luck on seeing it through.
I wonder if option 3 is not the easiest and most responsible decision in the short-run, but in the long run not so much. As someone contemplating a similar set of options, it strikes me that option 3 has the potential to end up being a holding pattern. My wife asks how, now that she knows (and accepts) that I am gay, she can ever be completely confident in our future. The gay thing is always going to be there. As much as she wants a future with me, she feels that there will always be the potential for me to say ‘I just can’t do this anymore’.
If you do live with option 3, I hope you continue with your blog. There are a lot of blogs out there about guys who chose option 2, but it would be interesting to hear about the experience of someone living with option 3.
I am a lesbian, and have never been married, so I don’t understand exdactly what you are going through….but I do understand the struggle, I understand thinking that it would be so easy to leave things as they are….being gay is very difficult especially when living in a part of the country that is not understanding. I also understand “going back into the closet”, and doing the whole thing of trying trying trying it again each time hoping that you are wrong. I understand the confusion of wondering if by being true to yourself you are resigning yourself to a life of hurt and dissapointment, and wondering if you put yourself out there, whether the result is worth all you may lose….
So I just wanted you to know that despite the fact that our circumstances are very different, they are very similar and I hope that you realise that there are people out there in the same situation as you
And I second what James said, whatever you choose, please dont stop writing.
I understand where your coming from as I tried straight for many years but it left me miserable and I felt really alone. I started to accept who I was and I met a wonderful man and we have been together for 9 years. I have a lot of health issues in my life at the moment but apart from that I am very happy because I am me and everyone else knows who I am too. I just wanted to let you know there are people out there who have tried to do what you have done too. I was afraid and very nervous but I am glad I took the decision to just live my life as me. All the fear and the nerves went and I no longer feel the need to be anything in front of everyone only myself. It was a huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders and I have to say I am incredibly happy with my life now.
Jay:
nobody can tell you what is right, because that is a question only you and A can decide together. But I will say this:
There are more than three options, though you may not see them now.Things once said take on a life of their own.
I laid things out to my wife long before the end: in retrospect, about half-way through our marriage. I would never give up the nearly ten years I stayed at home with the 800-pound gorilla in the room with us: our kids grew up and left home for college, and they were wonderful years.
But in the end, I couldn’t go on as I was, and she could not live with me unless I did. So I found myself alone in the world.
Now no longer so, but there was no way to know that.
Free advice is worth exactly what you pay for it. So here it is: Live what you love as long as you both can.
If you are indeed meant to survive, you will. That depends on who you really are, how you are made, and how much each of you can change for the good of the third thing you are together. And on grace.
Good luck.
T@C
My concern for you, having lived the “straight” life in a married relationship for 30+ years is the mental toll it is going to take on you. Until I got out of the marriage I didn’t realize how damaged I had become.
My ex and I are still very close friends. We have children and a past……..but in that past I never had a future. I don’t recommend it. Listen to your wife……she still loves you and apparently will stick with you as long as you chose to follow this path (for now at least)…….but you, and her for that matter, deserve better……..
[...] how they feel about each other, what happens to their marriage, what they should do next. His latest post talks about deciding to basically “ignore it” - that the rest of his life (husband, [...]
I think it is very unhealthy to suppress your sexuality. I also do not like you assuming that because you are gay it means you are not a good father, friend, son, etc.
Who you have sex with does not change anything about you as a person. Your wife seems to see it.
As you know, you really don’t choose to be gay….so how do you plan on ‘choosing’ to be straight. You can act, but you can’t do it forever.
Truth sets you free….
If you can make it work, then it’s obviously right for you. I couldn’t make it work anymore. Most of the guys I know in our shoes couldn’t do it, either. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide, though.
OK, a lot of these guys commenting speak from the voice of experience that #3 didn’t work for them. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do it.
There are a lot of guys, some with blogs, who are pulling it off, difficult though it is. Most of them have a strong spiritual belief which helps them, especially the LDS. You’ll need a very supportive wife, which I know you have from seeing her blog.
I considered number three and then realized it simply would not work for me. My shrink at the time said that many men choose number three and then 20 years later their marriage falls apart and they regret not moving forward 20 years earlier. He saying that did not affect my decision but it did reaffirm it. I knew that I could not run any longer. No matter what you do now, your relationship is forever changed with your wife.
Hi,
I’m going through exactly the same thing at the moment. We don’t have kids yet but we were goin through fertility treatment and I woke up one day and said to myself “Chris, wot the hell are you doin, you just can’t cross that line”. We’re goin through counciling at the mo. She really wants to make it work but I think I have to leave while we’re both still young enough to start again. I do love her very dearly and its breaking my heart to see her being all torn up inside. I’m going to stay with her until she comes to terms with it - for her sake; I don’t care too much for myself, I guess I was just born to be self destructive, but I know I have a real chance to be happy now and to stop living my life for other people - you just can’t do it, because sooner or later you’ll destroy them aswell. I know that if I lose her, I will have lost something I will probably never replace, but I am doing it because I care about her as well as for myself.
I know this doesn’t help you at all, but just had to get it off my chest. Got nobody else to talk to.
Good luck.