I’ve had a lot of responses to my last couple of posts. I appreciate them all, but I have to admit I’m not sure what I was hoping for. Part of me wants to hear that I’m right, I can’t do this, you can’t be gay, so get over it. The other side of me wanted to hear that I can’t deny this any longer. I’ve tried for a good part of my life and I can’t do it any longer. I pretty much got both of those type of responses and I’m not sure which type I was hoping for.
This is not the first time I’ve done this since I’ve come out to Anginae. Sometimes I just wanna put my head in the sand and make this go away. I really meant what I said in my last post, but as I am prone to do at times, it was a bit of a reaction to what Anginae had to say. I don’t like doing it, and when I do it I honestly feel that I am doing the right thing. Anginae has informed me she cannot forget about this. She cannot pretend it has not happened. I hate to admit I cannot either. No matter how bad I want to, no matter how hard I try I cannot make myself straight and I cannot deny that I am gay.
I think door #3 for me what a little like my option #1, which means that I’m not gay at all. Actually, option #3 was basically forcing me to make option #1 as true as possible. When I wrote my last post I was mainly tired of dealing with this, but tough shit I guess. I don’t like the idea of not being able control this and make it go away. Maybe some day we will figure it out, I will just have to give it a bit of time.
I’m not gonna go away. I’ll try and keep blogging, as long as you keep reading. I’m sorry to disappoint the few of you that hoped I had finally chosen the path that I wish I could make myself take. I’m ashamed that I can’t. Many things that lie in the path ahead of us scare the hell out of me. Burying my head in the sand and pretending I’m something I’m not won’t fix anything.
Oh dear oh dear oh dear……..I know how heart breaking it feels to feel that you’ve failed. But, honestly you haven’t failed……life is a continues onward like a river. I suspect that in many ways you are like me. I swam so hard against the current for years that it left me exhausted. Making a decision became harder and harder…..until I finally let go.
Anginae understand that you need to let go and start going with the flow. She will probably always be there in your life, just in a different way……a way that won’t be harmful to her or to you.
I would suggest that you start to find some gay friends…..guys you can rely on, can talk to, don’t have to have all the answers, they just need to be there for you, and you for them.
Keep writing and I’ll keep reading………
I have been following your story for the last several weeks and can identify which much. I am so glad you will continue blogging. Married for 25 years, I have been out to my wife for eight months and am considerably older, 50s, than you. I kept my gayness denied and was guilty about my secret for 40 years. My wife and I are trying to stay together, for us and also for the 4 year old granddaugher we are raising.
Since I am out, I feel better about myself and worse at the same time.
A friend of mine has described dealing with being gay and married as being like trying to restore a river that has been blocked by a dam. You cannot let the water out too fast as you do not want to destroy what you have built and planted below the dam. But you have poked a hole in the dam and it cannot go back to holding the water in. And it feels as though the whole thing can crumble at minute.
It maybe that blogging is enough to keep you on your path, but you may also be interested in this online support group of husbands out to their wive. I do not blog and this has helped to keep my head above water. Here is a link to a description.
http://straightguise.blogspot.com/search/label/Husbands%20out%20to%20their%20wives
Here is a link to a corresponding group for wives only.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/alternatepath/
I wish you both the best and admire your dealing with this.
Denis
Its a difficult situation, to be sure, but it seems like you are being very thoughtful about this and are searching for that path that protects those you care about. I’m guessing part of this process includes deciding to pursue option 3 on a periodic basis - I know for me it is, but less and less now. Take your time, don’t rush, keep talking to Anginae. Things may change, but you will always have your family. And just as you want the best for them, I’m guessing based on Anginaes’ posts, she wants that for you too.
Yep, Mark makes a lot of sense. You know what - however way you look at it, someone WILL get hurt. The hurt is inevitable. But if someone is going to hurt, might as well make a decision so that when you finally emerge from the hurt, you and Anginae both come out as better people, having a better future - no, perhaps not in the way you two planned it but still a much better future for both. Time has a way to heal the hurt but it doesn’t seem to me that it’s logical to pave the way now for more hurt in the future. It’s all about present choices and future outcomes. Life’s too short to muck around with them.
I hope I haven’t been too direct. Just my two cents worth. I feel for you two because I’ve been there, matey.
like you i thought i could bury my head in sand for years and it would just go away…it didn’t, it doesn’t…take as much tijme as you need, i did and 3 years after she found out i am now divorced, as soon as i get rid of the house will embark on my new,true, gay life, hurt is there, both sides, but we could not live it anymore and its better for her as i was really starting to resent her and that is not good…you will know when the time and the path are right for you and your wife….hang in there buddy…have lived this that you are going through now
It is true that the genie can’t go back into the bottle, now that it (and you) is out.
But that doesn’t mean that something like option #3 is totally out of the picture. It just makes it harder and perhaps more of a team effort.
Anginae is the other half of your team. She is still recovering from the shock of being pulled into your closet, so to speak. You two need to work out what works best for you.
I don’t remember what I commented in the first place but I’m glad you didn’t make any hasty decision on your own.
just make sure you don’t destroy all the bridges behind you and then end up in castle Dracula.
and keep talking to Anginae, she’s not just your wife but your friend too!
Thankyou!
I didn’t see this part of your Blog when I wrote under your Option 3 entry. All I can say to you is that your thoughts are identicle to mine, and no matter how hard my situation is, it gives me a great deal of comfort to know that I’m not the only guy in the world going through this.
For the first time since all this started, I actually feel excited for the future - even though I know there’s a hell of a lot of shit to come!
Hopefully I’ll finally catch you on msn sometime.
Chris
x