Long Ago

I dont’ recall exactly when I started to notice guys. I stated a new school in 8th grade (same school I graduated H.S. from and where I met Anginae) and sometime that year is when I recall starting to notice the guys around school rather than the girls. Before that, I don’t really recall many sexual thoughts. I can look back and see some things that may point to how I would feel about guys, but like most kids before puberty, I didn’t know nor did I ever think much about sex. I remember thinking that I would have a girlfriend, but it was more just a cute thing than anything real. I recall trying to get one of the popular girls in 5th grade to be my girlfriend and she said she would be for the rest of the school year (3 days total) if I bought her a sweatshirt. I was cheap then as well so I said no way. I don’t recall having a crush on any of my guy friends growing up. I never really had many friends in high school growing up that were cute enough to have a crush on either. I can remember plenty of the guys in high school that I thought were hot, but didn’t really know them well and it wouldn’t have made any difference if I did anyway.

The thing is when I started to notice the guys and thought they were cute, I could do nothing about it. I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I knew what gay was, and I knew I didn’t want to be. I had no one that I could talk to. I was pretty shy, so I didn’t try to compensate for how I felt by trying to pick up girls, I just kinda kept to my small group of friends and fit in with everyone else. For me, trying to be honest with myself and express how I felt about boys was not an option. I’m definitely a fit in and blend in kinda guy, so being open with how I felt would have been a nightmare for me. It’s fair to say that if I had been open, I would have been give more than my fair share of shit. I mean my Super Annoying Step Brother was not openly gay (but he sure acted gay as hell) was given shit by everyone to no end for how he acted. People called him gay since Jr. High even though he tried to date girls. He eventually came out towards the end of college, I’m sure to the surprise of no one.

I was all alone in dealing with it and it was not easy. I met Anginae just a few days after I stared school, but didn’t really get to know her until the next year. The summer before our soph. year we shared a driver’s-ed car together and I really liked being with her. I never seriously thought about asking her out, but a few months later she got tired of waiting for me to ask and did it herself. I said yes. I was quite relieve to have a girlfriend at last. As you may recall, not long before this I had been messing around with my Super Annoying Step Brother for some time and I was not comfortable with dealing with my gayness. Getting a girlfriend was going to solve all my problems. My mom was actually starting to get a little suspicious that me and S.A.S.B. were up to something and she confronted me with it. I was proud to deny it and report to her that “mom I’m not gay and I have a girlfriend”. We broke up a time or two in high school, but I guess you can figure out we got back together and now the rest is history.

I didn’t plan on lying to her at the time. It wasn’t something I could deal with myself, let alone tell her. I guess I’ve just always wondered if it wasn’t any big deal for people to like who they feel they are attracted to, would I ever have gone out with her. And I mean this in regards to kids at that age trying to figure out what to do about their attraction to other boys instead of girls. Following my attraction the boys was not something I could talk to anyone about, let alone act upon. I think that is the case for most guys who hide in the closet and try to live a normal life. By the time we figure it out, we have spent many years building a life of a straight man. Undoing it proves to be extremely painful for all involved. I never chose to like guys. It just kinda all of a sudden happened. I never chose to be gay, I only chose to hide it.