I feel like i’m being a bit melodramatic with this post, but it’s my blog and it’s what I’m thinking so make fun of me, stop reading or do whatever the hell you want, why should I care (sad thing is, I do care).
As you may recall, I came out to my wife on October 14, 2007. One of my favorite bands for many years has been Radiohead. On October 10, they released for download their new album In Rainbows. I listened to that album quite a bit that week, which was very emotional week for me since it was those few days that I basically decided that I had to come out and tell Anginae I was gay. What made it worse was that I had to try and act like everything was absolutely normal, especially around Anginae since she’s very good at sensing when something is up with me. Anyway because of what was going on in my head that week, and how often I listened to In Rainbows, it has a bit of a special place small music collection. I really like the album a lot. It probably my second favorite behind OK Computer (one of my all time faves).
To me Radiohead is a bit of an acquired taste. Some people think that Thom Yorke is just kinda whiny, and I guess he can be a bit, but I’ve always really liked them. I’m not trying to suggest anyone run out and but this album, but if you if you’ve like some of their work in the past, I highly recommend it.
Anyway, this post isn’t intended as an album review. I’m not a big music, nut and I typically just listen to what sounds good and don’t pay close attention to they lyrics. Not some much in the case of this album. One song in particular hit me very hard and still does to this day. It’s called Nude and the lyrics really seem to get to me. I really like the song a lot, but somehow the lyrics really reflect how I feel about a lot of things, especially the situation with my father and of course coming out to Anginae. The song really reflects how sometimes there’s no way out of either situation. I’m damned if i do, damned if I don’t.
So times I feel so incredibly trapped by my situation I can hardly stand it. I don’t feel trapped by Anginae, but trapped by what choices I feel I have in front of me. I either have to stuff being gay down deep insinde, something I’ve tried a few times since telling Anginae, with absolutely no success, or accept being gay and live my life that way. While there are some positives to that situation, the negatives of being gay scare the hell out of me. How the hell do I get out of this without going crazy myself or alienating those around me?
I don’t know exactly what the big idea is for me. Whether it’s I can continue to live my hetero gay life or start a homo gay life, neither one of them is really gonna happen. Also, can I finally live my life without the difficulty of figuring out to get along with my father, or do I have to have him in my life and deal with it. No matter what decision I make it’s not gonna work and I’m gonna be damned no matter which way I try to go.
I later realized a small bit of irony in the title of the album as well. A rainbow being a common symbol for the homosexual movement, it is a bit strange that I listened a great deal to an album entitled In Rainbows the week prior to coming out to my wife.
Well sorry for the stupid post. It seems a bit silly to me to let something so minor as a stupid song/album hold as much meaning as it does to me, but oh well, what can I do. And if you do decide to go out and download it, Radiohead is no longer letting you name your own price to download it, you gotta pay retail now suckers. That is unless you feel like downloading it illegally.
You know what? When you have to cross a bridge, you cross it. But I guess unless you have nowhere to turn but to cross, our human nature dictates that we stay in the comfort zone in fear of the unknown.
In many ways, I have my wife to thank – she applied “tough love” and left me. Yes, my whole world collapsed but I survived – and you will too.
No pain, no gain.
Just my 2 cents worth.
Will first of all it’s not a “dumb” post. There is lots of anguish in it. The struggle for answers. You express more and more the reality that you can’t stuff yourself back into the “closet”. So what’s life going to look and feel like living outside the closet. Quiet normal actually. You still have bills to pay, places to go, life to live……you just start doing it feeling a great deal more content (forget that word happy it sucks and gets in the way……go for content….much easier to obtain).
As for your father……you’re no longer a child. You don’t require him in your life. If he’s being an ass you don’t have to take it. It’s really up to him……..look at it this way. He’s like a 20 pound rock you are carrying around on your back. If you don’t like the feeling drop the rock.
That is a really strong post I think. The lyrics are quite fitting. I’m not crazy however about the line that Thom adds sometimes when performing. I think that’s about me. Actually those lines have really made me thing about what I need to do.
Also, this post makes me realize how much there is about you that I really don’t know. Something so meaningful to you, I had no idea about. Of course, I know you love Radiohead, I knew you struggled that week, but why didn’t you tell me about this?
I’m scared for you. I know how easy it is for you to get down on yourself. The post was somewhat dismal. I hope you realize how wonderful parts of your life are, whether or not you are able to live the life that seems natural for you.
[...] but I don’t know what it is so here goes. Hmmmmm. I read Jay’s last post titled In Rainbows. It made me feel kind of crappy. For the longest time I thought I knew everything about this man I [...]
dear Mr. Smartass
if you could do a good post, this one was one of ‘em.
first you really don’t have to deal with your dad anymore if he wants to act like a real bitch.
Then you’re not damned (if not doomed). Choices are not 100% benefit, you lose something to gain another and that’s the price of living so live with it!
You have one wonderful wife who’s ready to give you some space for trying something gay with the right guy, so be thankful.
Then your current hetro gay life doesn’t look that bad for now. Take your steps carefully and things won’t get worse than what they are now.
Living a homo life is not as easy as you think cos you gotta look for a Mr. Right and he doesn’t come in boxes to purchase in Walmart.
And I know it’s a bad suggestion but you can live gay with your wife still part of your life and you can move to a gay-friendly city if people is the thing scaring you.
Whatever you choose I won’t approve it, so don’t beat yourself with terrifying things that don’t exist
It isn’t necessarily either/or. Maybe you should have a look at the Klein Sexual Orientation grid:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Klein_Sexual_Orientation_Grid
http://www.bisexual.org/kleingrid.html
How odd… and funny… and lyrical… I started listening to “In Rainbows” about a week after I came out to my wife (about 3 weeks ago). I’ve been listening to it non-stop since then.
I started listening for no particular reason other than a DJ on my favorite station said it was a great album. And now I can’t stop listening. I wasn’t even a real Radiohead fan until now.
For me… the song that speaks most to my heart and my situation is “Weird Fishes”.
Maybe there is something in that album that both heals and empowers.