It’s seems that I’ve given a bit of a wrong impression with some of my posts. This blog is NOT about the issue of homosexuality. It is NOT about how I believe that homosexuality is wrong and should be shoved into the dark corners of society. It is NOT how I believe that people should work to change themselves to fit an image of what society wants them to be.
I know what the pages of this blog contain. I’ve written them so I should know. I can see how my words could give that impression, and for that I am sorry. I would hope that any man or woman, no matter that age, that stumbles across this blog would see my struggles and would see that it is best to choose the path to be who you are and not try to change yourself. If your gay, don’t try to change yourself. End of story. It’s not gonna happen. I’m not making any suggestions on how to live life being gay, I’m still trying to figure that out myself. But do what makes you happy.
My struggle with homosexuality is purely about my own self conflict I have in life. Despite what it may sound like, my self esteem issues do not revolve around being gay. I don’t dislike myself because I am gay. I dislike myself for many other reasons. I’ve probably done a poor job of mixing my self loathing in with being gay. That is not the case. My self esteem issues date back to when I was a very young child. Well before I was even aware of what being gay was. This blog is about how to reconcile the fact that I am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that I truly care about. Plus I’ve mixed in the relationship with my father, which is probably a more powerful influence on my life than being gay.
I have a wife, I have two wonderful children and I’m gay. I’m just now starting to learn how to blend all of them together. I love my wife, want her to be happy and want to take care of her. I also know I want to be part of her for the rest of my life. I also have an irrevocable duty to love and protect my children. Something I take very seriously. I do not need to protect my kids from homosexuality. I do have to protect my children from narrow minded individuals that may direct their negative feelings about gays towards them. As they get older that will change and they will have to learn to deal with all parts of society, but at such a young age, now it not the time.
I smart enough to have perspective on my problems. Coming out in the middle of red state Oklahoma is not an idea I relish, but will eventually have to get used to, but it pales in comparison to some of the experiences other homosexuals I’m sure have had to deal with. It’s not Uganda, it’s not Kenya, it’s not Iran or Afghanistan. I will not likely face any sort of persecution for being gay. I have not lost any of my friends and loved ones to AIDS. I know that what I may face coming out pales in comparison to what others that have preceded me have experienced.
I’m not the first man who’s ever traveled down this path. There are many unknowns down that path and I’m scared to death what those may be. Don’t confuse my fear of what my life holds for me if I live my life as a gay man with a fear of homosexuality. The greatest lesson I hope I could ever give to anyone is be happy with who you are. That’s all I’m trying to do for myself.
i’ve quietly read your blog. i don’t necessarily have anything to say about your life…your story…as i can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. all i can say is i admire your bravery…your honesty…and your patience with the public who reads your story.
Well done J. you could have never say it better, now everything is clear so keep fighting but the important thing is every human has his/her own difficulties that look unbearable; the best thing is not to compare anyone with anyone else except themselves. You are a great guy and you have your own problems, I have my own but I can swear I could never live as good as you if I were you and I’m SO happy I’m not you. so you rock, now move on and find a solution.
Very good my dear. I guess I always knew what you were about but it may not have been clear to the readers. This is a great post. Nate is right, and he’s not just speaking to you but to your readers as well - everyone has their own difficulties. And while many of us on this planet share the same ones, only the solutions are individual.
All my love (as usual).
Ditto to what everyone is saying….=)
You said “this blog is about how to reconcile the fact that i am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that i truly care about.”
Jay, you may not view this as an issue but it is. I have alway objected to everything you have written because of this statement. You seem to think that the fact you being gay whether you like it or not, whether you accept it or not, is harmful to people that you truly care about. Why? You are not a stained person Jay unless you feel soiled.
You said “Don’t confuse my fear of what my life holds for me if i live my life as a gay man with a fear of homosexuality.”
Jay, first i would like to humbly ask who it is you are directing this statement to. Is it god or jesus? Who? You are never going to have inner peace or serenity if you do not let go of that fear. Frankly, there is just no reason for it.
I appreciate your sharing your feelings. I do admire you for that and think it takes courage to do so.
Jay said “This blog is about how to reconcile the fact that I am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that I truly care about”
ewe said “you seem to think that being gay…is harmful to people that you truly care about”
My understanding of Jay’s statement is that what might harm “the people he truly cares about” is not his being gay but how he chooses to “deal with it”. eg. if he chooses to divorce his wife and abandon his children etc, this could harm them.
I would think that being gay in itself does not harm the people you love but how you deal with it.
I think Jay you should not care so much about how we interprete your blog. You wrote it knowing it would be read and interpreted differently.
I presume all of us keep coming here for different reasons.
For me, I come to read how you are handling the the issues that are affecting your life because I believe there is something we share. I do not come here to read how you are dealing with our interpretations of your blog.
So please dont get distracted by our comments.
Well i am distracted by Jays comments because not only does he find it necessary to deal with his fears and knowledge, acceptance or denial of his own homosexuality, he also seems to be saying that he needs to somehow shelter, protect (and behave in such a way that caters to how those people he professes to love and love him in return) THEIR feelings. Sorry babe, but other people and their feelings on an array of various subjects including how one deals with you as a gay man is not nor should be up to you or any of your business. If they have a problem Jay, then THEY have a problem Jay, not you. Unless of course you feel that because you are gay, you somehow created this turmoil for them. But i don’t believe you are all that important in the great scheme of things. Neither am i and i say that because i am trying to make a case to compare for you what it would be like if let’s say for example, your brother if you have one is a heterosexual. Does the fact he is straight with all the things that this encompasses make him responsible to protect your feelings around that issue if it creates any feelings at all particularly hostility, denial, anger or resentment? NO! A resounding No Jay. Perhaps letting go of controlling everyones emotions regarding your orientation would suffice to promote self healing and enable you to look more in detail with and on some of your own.
I must go to sleep. It is 4:35am. I want to share something i feel about happiness. Happiness is not something that you are or become. Happiness is something that resides in you. It is a feeling that comes and goes. It is not permanent because happiness by itself is not you. It is simply an experience and because it is such a nice one, of course we seek more of it.
Oklahoma is tough. It’s true that it could be worse. Remember this: flowers grow in Oklahoma too.
I stumbled across your site and wanted to leave a comment. I must say that I hope for you; I hope that you will be able to find happiness in whatever path life leads you down. I can’t say that I understand where your feelings are coming from as these are feelings I haven’t experienced. I have, however, experienced feelings that put the “normal” life into question.
You seem to have a difficult situation you are trying to deal with. I am glad to hear (If I have indeed understood correctly) that your wife is standing behind you. With that in mind, please don’t hurt her if the core of your being leads you a different direction than sharing a marital life with her. I know it sounds cruel, but it is often better let your love go before your lives become so intertwined that a separation feels like a death sentence.
On the other hand, I do know that there are therapies that can work for people that want to be sexually attracted to the opposite sex. I say CAN work because they don’t work with everyone. It seems to me that the best they can do is repress your natural feelings for one gender and substitute them on another gender. That is enough for some people. If that is something you want to try, you have my sincerest hopes that it works for you.
It seems I don’t really have anything to offer other than my best wishes and moral support for whatever your decision ultimately turns out to be. I guess, living in Oklahoma myself, I just couldn’t resist letting you know that while we might never have met, our paths in life have crossed at least in a few places.
Good luck and best wishes.
Jay I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for opening up your blog to the rest of us out there in the blogosphere. Unfortunately a side effect of that is that people interpret your words, for better or worse, in variously different ways. You also have people coming in with their own opinions on how you need to handle things in your life. They also come in with very strong opinions about issues and those opinions are hard to change. Nobody can tell you how to live your life but you and that is the beauty of life. You be the best person you can be and rubbish to anyone that tries to tell you otherwise. All my best to you and to your family
XOXO
Marisa, i was wondering if we could perhaps help Jays wife not be attracted to the opposite sex and send her for reparative therapy so she can learn how to have intimate feelings for her own gender? You actually believe your nonsense. Come closer so that i can slap some sense into you.
Dear ewe,
Quite the contrary. I have, however, had some experience with the “reparative therapy” and it didn’t work for me. I, personally, haven’t known anyone that it HAS worked for, never-the-less there are people that try it and it might work for some. My personal opinion and experience is that it causes considerable harm and has no long term benefits. All I was trying to do was offer support for whichever path he chose to try.
I don’t think there is really anything more one person can do for another than to support whatever their decisions are. Regardless of my own personal opinions, I have no intention of trying to force my opinions on other people.
For me, I am so fortunate that the “reparative therapy” didn’t work and it failed fast enough that my life wasn’t completely ruined by the attempt. But that was my life. As I said in my earlier comments, my life hasn’t been the same as Jay’s life. I have never experienced some of the things he is going through. I can’t tell him whether, for him, it would be something he might want to try. While I might recommend against it (and, actually, I would), it isn’t my life or decision.
I do understand where Jay is coming from regarding his family, as that seems to be where I paths have crossed. I have even lost some family, and almost lost others, but they all came back in the end.
Regardless of how Jay looks at this, there are consequences, not only for Jay, but for his wife and children as well. The consequences can be either good or bad, and often aren’t known until after they are tried. Sure, I could give him advice — tell him what I think he should do, but my advice might be just as wrong for him and his family as other people’s advice was for me and my family.
Now, to Jay:
If my recommendations count for anything (which they are advice, meaning take it if it sounds good — forget about it if it doesn’t) I recommend talking to a good therapist, not one that will try to change you, but one that will help you understand yourself and your situation. A therapist told me one time (and it seems to be the truth) that you will be able to work through these things without them, but you will be able to work through them faster with the help of a therapist. After all; it is difficult to try to change things if you don’t really understand them from all sides.
Good luck!
I want to hear from a man married to a man. I have a few questions that I want to ask them. Any relevant blogs out there?
:Marisa:
Friends don’t let friends make the wrong choice without saying something. I am glad you clarified.
to Jona:what kinda question you have? there is the possibility of me being a bit helpful :-p
Jona: I recommend checking out gaycenter.org
It is a community center in Manhattan and is a place that offers programs, social outings, adult therapy, youth enrichment services, dances, 12 step programs, art classes, yoga, sports events, political activities, classes on parenting, transgendered issues and a host of many other events too numerous to mention. The site is putting up blogs in the future last i heard and offers resources of all kinds. You can even call them and ask questions if you have any. I often listen to Joemygod.blogspot.com and there are many guys who have blogs and are in relationships. I suggest going there and if you enjoy reading someones comments, check them out further. Also there are centers all over this country and others around the world. Call them. You may want to google Human Rights Campaign as well. Pinknews.co.uk from Great Britain is about Peter Tatchell who travels the globe combatting hate and other gay issues. He is a fearless prophet.
Jona: there is an article about Ugandan Prossy Kakooza who is seeking asylum in the UK in Pinknews.co.uk. There are related articles about Uganda right underneath the article. Have you heard of this website?
Now we have Jay to speak up for us too and i am so happy to say how strong a man he is for being who he is.