How is me wanting to be with a guy any different than me wanting to be with another woman, other than the obvious difference there. I mean, how is my open desire with my wife to be with a man any different than if I told her I wanted to be with a woman? Well I guess it won’t shock anyone to know that I think it is. Now before you dismiss me as being full of shit (because I’m almost inclined to do that myself) let me explain a bit.
If I desired to be with another woman, that would somehow mean that there is some sort of shortcoming or problem that I have with the woman that I have. That of course is not the case with me. If a man cheats on his wife with another woman, something is broken somehow in the relationship. Whatever it may be, something is not right between the couple. I don’t feel that is the case between Anginae and me. I came out to her because I could no longer hide that I was gay, and yes that includes my desire to be with a man. This desire did not get stronger because I was growing unhappy or unfulfilled by her, but the desire was not going away with time, and in fact was getting stronger. So my choices could have been to continue to hide and hope is subsides, or go further than I already had and cheat on her. I think I made the right choice by telling her.
Anginae and I have two main choices in front of us, stay together or divorce. She does not want to leave me or want me to leave her. I can’t and won’t try to change her opinion. I want her to be happy and if that meant finding a straight guy to be with then I want that for her. I don’t want her to leave my life or move on from her. If you feel that she’s afraid to move on with her life well that’s your opinion. She’s had her visions of her entire future turned upside down and I’m not gonna tell her how she’s supposed to move on from that. If she says she wants me here for that then I will be. I’ve told her basically what I want. She could say get the hell out, no fucking way, or she could take the approach she is taking. I’m not forcing this decision on her. I’ve tried to express my desires to her the best I can and she is making this decision. The approach we may be taking is not that different that Chis at My Journey Out. No, I’m not moving off to Europe to find a boyfriend half my age, but he and his wife are still married. She does not want to find a new man/husband and he sees no reason to divorce her. It’s not a perfect solution but one that for them, at least for now, works.
I don’t know how this chapter we are starting is going to end. I can say for 100% certainty that I don’t want it to end with our relationship ending. I’m trying to be as honest with her as I can. I’m not a guy who has been confused with his sexuality all these years and finally realizes he’s gay. I’ve know for a long time and it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time. I’m doing my best not to pull Anginae along too fast. It’s hard but I’m trying.
I’m sorry if I’m letting all of you down by considering meeting a guy. I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways. I’m proud of the fact that so far I’ve pretty much been faithful in my marriage. Things have changed now. We could get divorced or stay together. I want her to stay in my life and she still wants me. Just because I want to meet another man doesn’t me she has to want to. Getting divorced won’t make me want to be with another man more than I do right now and if she doesn’t want to find one for herself, I don’t see the reason to get one.
Jay, I can understand exactly what your are saying. But what if you do meet some guy and have sex and want it again and again and again? What if something stronger develops between you and that guy or some other guy? We cant control our emotions or how we feel no matter how much we try. Sooner or later you may be faced with a choice that you thought you would never have to make. That is exactly what happened to me and I chose the guy I was seeing. It caused an explosion! It caused a lot of hurt and pain, but for me I knew it was the right decision. I am just saying it could be a lot harder than what you think. Its very hard to deal with your own emotions and feelings when others have to be considered to. Please just be careful. Theres no guide book to how this all should work out for you or for anybody but its very rarely that everybody involved ends up entirely happy. Please don’t be offended by comments. I am just letting you know of the similar experience I went through
Will I suppose you can control your emotions…….but you’ll end up being a bitter, unhappy person and that’s not what you or A want or need.
Have you called PFLAG yet?????? Ok, so I’m nagging, so what……I also care about both of you.
Jay:
The longer you and Ange can make it work, the better. My story, like Romach’s, is different, but I am gladder about one thing than I am about anything else, and it was the thing that caused my wife the most pain: that I did NOT leave for another person.
To her, it was leaving her “for an idea.” But it meant that when I did meet the Goat, and the sparks did fly, I did not face the choice Romach did.
I hope you never do, but that will depend on your heart and how much Ange can bear. You can only hope to be so good about keeping your heart out of it without damaging that organ severely.
There is no easy way out.
But that’s true of life for most people. Our little postage stamp just makes things more horribly clear than most others…
All the best to you both.
T@C
Hi Jay, I’m the last person qualified to give advice since I don’t have the balls to tell my wife and I am messing around with other guys. But I know what you mean – it doesn’t feel like it’s cheating since its not with a woman. I have been, am and will always be a one-woman man.
I have met a couple of guys that have fallen for me and we’ve had continuing relationships. But I am so disconnected from my emotions (that’s how I describe it) that I’m not sure if I loved them. In any case, it never rose to the level of wanting to leave my wife. I’m not saying that could never happen, but who knows you may be that kind of person as well.
Good luck to you, Ang and the family as you work through this. John
You seem to want to have your cake and everyone elses too Jay. And thats fine because anginae says she wants to share her own cake with you but don’t count on it for too long. You are gonna have to meet some guy who wants to settle for sharing you and i highly doubt that is gonna work. Kids maybe but not a spouse of any gender i would think. Ok whatever! Of course you can try to mold your life into a perfect scenario that includes everyone but …. do let us all know how the cookie crumbles Jay.
You say you are letting us all down by considering meeting a guy in your last paragraph. I do not recall anyone telling you that considering meeting a guy was letting anyone down. I want you to meet someone. What is all this faith nonsense about? You are a gay man with a straight wife. hello. Hello Jay. You don’t even want to fool around with another woman so why are you splicing and dicing your justification for differentiation between male and female? I do disagree with you about whether a man or woman one wants somehow does not wreak some sort of havoc if not waves in a monogamous relationship. I can go on and on Jay but it comes back to the same thing for me and that is that you want it all. You want your wife, your kids, a boyfriend, the house, probably a fuck pad and tell me Jay, does he have to have a big dick too? oy vey. Listen, you should be aware that any guy worthy of a being in a loving relationship is going to see that you also need to play the field. I would not even put myself through the turmoil of being with you since you have so much to learn about yourself. You are a lot of work honey and take up a lot of energy. Better not wait Jay. Get going. Maybe a guy in your same position would be the best bet.
you are somewhat cute in your own way though. I’ll give you that. Don’t make it all so heavy Jay. Life is too short. Love the one you’re with.
Please change that picture of that eyeball peering in or out of a wooden door. It symbolizes so much of what you want to change. Open the door or close it and open another one but standing in the doorway for freakin ever is not going in any direction. I am sorry but that photo bothers me to no end.
OOOOO. Your photo bothers him. Then hurry and change it please. You wouldn’t want to upset him in any way.
The header is great. Like EVERYONE else has told you before.
just wanted to say i tagged you with this http://lastbreath.wordpress.com/2008/08/27/37-things-about-me/
Ms. Control freak:
Hasn’t getting your insides carved out of you taught you anything?
Stick with it because everything always turns out well in the end. Just remember to take a moment or two to consider before bleating out; I was a tad forward in my relationship at times and it worked against me. Hope things work out the way you want them to.
Here’s a question to consider. What you say here about the difference between wanting to be with another man but not another woman – is this an attempt to justify your position, or do you know deep down that it is totally true? I’m not trying to start an argument, and I don’t know the answer. But I believe it to be an important question.
Letting me down by considering meeting a guy… No. You are gay. You naturally seek the affection and companionship of another man. Really, it’s what you are supposed to do, what you are designed for. It’s what you need. The choice is whether to do it or not. I make no judgement on that choice. (Well, I try not to. And mostly succeed.)
While we’re on the subject of judgement, I’ll tell you this. I think you should not have married Anginae in the first place, especially if, as you say, you knew you were attracted to men. This is nothing against Anginae, I’m sure she’s wonderful and a worthy wife. You should not have married any woman. It’s dishonest. But that’s water under the bridge, and I don’t condemn you for it now. Too late for that. Time to move on. Besides which, I figure there were probably other reasons you decided to marry. Family and society expectations? Naivite, possibly. No matter.
What is your definition of relationship when you say you don’t want your relationship with Anginae to end? You have children together, right? You two will always be their parents, no matter what. That’s a relationship right there. Do you consider friendship to be a good relationship? Because you can remain good friends to the end of time. Do you refer to the marriage relationship? Because from what I’ve read your marriage is off kilter as far as the typical healthy marriage goes. And that’s ok, because in this situation a typical marriage won’t work. So figure out between yourselves what you each want out of a relationship with each other.
and good luck!
The thing is J you don’t block ewe’s comments and that makes me wonder. He is obviously baiting you by attacking Ang but you fall right into it. And that is passive aggressive. Javabear put it much nicer but ewe is saying the same thing, just in a crude fashion. My first thought, when I read your post, was that you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. One of you will have to make a decision sooner rather than later. Because if you wait the decision will be made and picking through that wreckage won’t be fun. Right now you both have dignity and friendship. If you sleep with another man while married even with Ang’s approval the decision will be made swiftly and quickly. But allowing ewe to continue to post comments is basically letting him do your dirty work. I’m sorry to be so harsh but it seems as if you are asking for permission to cheat on your wife. Asking permission from people who don’t know you both really. You have to do what is right for you and so does Ang. No one here can give you a pass.
I’m new to your blog so I don’t know all your history yet and I can’t say that my words are going to be mean all that much in comparison to everyone else. But it’s my opinion on what I know and how I feel in my situation.
First, I think it takes an exceptional woman to be able to stand by the man she loves in a circumstance such as yours. Ang could easily be horrified at the learning of such news and just pack a bag and run away. The fact that she’s even there still is a testament to her feelings for you.
Second, I can understand how you feel about cheating and the difference (or lack thereof) between sex with a man and sex with a woman. And despite what anyone here or anywhere else might say, I believe that you need to be true to yourself… whatever that may be… to find happiness.
I view love in a much more broad and open sense that a lot of people I know. I feel that a man and a woman can love each other and not have to be a couple or lovers to do it. Should something as great as love be limited to such a strict definition? I believe the answer is ‘no’.
I feel that you need to be true to yourself. You are a gay man and she is a straight woman. You can still love each other, be amazingly close and recognize that you are intrinsically different with regards to sexual attraction. Does being gay mean that you can’t love a woman?
I can’t force my own opinion on anyone so it may not be applicable to you.
Third, because I don’t know the history of you and your commenters I can’t necessarily speak to whether I agree with one party or another. However, I do believe that this is YOUR blog. And I view my own blog that contains my own thoughts and my own feelings as thought it were my own house.
While I may encourage friendly debate and I certainly wouldn’t discourage people who may disagree with my own feelings or opinion while in my house, my feelings towards that person would definitely change should they start being abusive towards me. I don’t tolerate abuse of myself or my loved ones from someone that is in my house nor would I tolerate it from someone writing on a comment on my blog.
With all that being said, I want to take an opportunity to wish you well. I will be checking back periodically to see how you are doing.