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Where To Begin

It’s hard to believe my last post was almost four years ago….. May 31, 2010.

To say that my life has changed since I began this blog would be an understatement.  I am lucky to still have all the wonderful people in my life that I had when I stopped writing. I have lived a life I could never have imagined.

As for myself? Let’s just say I am still my own worst enemy.

I am going to keep this post short. It’s been so long I doubt any of my old readers will even see this. Still maybe someone will stumble onto my blog and find what I have to say worth reading.

Stay tuned……I may be back.

What’s Up Doc

Most anyone who reads this blog would agree that I could have done with some professional help for quite a long time. After all this time I’ve finally broken down and done it. All it took was a little drama queen hissy fit that almost made me lose Scooter to finally convince myself to get professional help.

Now I have found a new regular doctor who prescribed me an anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication and I have also had one session with a therapist (and have the next one scheduled). I’ve been on the medication for almost 3 weeks now and so far I think it is working to mellow me out a little, although I’ve read it takes about 4 weeks or so to be fully effective. The first therapist session went alright but it was a little less than I had hoped. I was completely open and honest with my situation but I have had so much go on it’s hard to know where to begin with what I think I need to talk about. I started with my anxiety issues which I figured was as good a place as any to start. She ended the session by giving me some stuff to read on how to control my anxiety. I’ll give it a couple more sessions and see what happens.

After all that I’ve confronted over the last couple of years I really figured I was gonna be good. I thought I had done the things that would put me well down the road to fixing myself. Turns out my insecurities and lack of self confidence have grown when it comes to dealing with my new relationship. I sometimes have such a low self image of myself I don’t see how I can ever manage to keep him. It’s too good to be true that I have found Scooter and that somehow I can manage to make him happy. He’s always been openly gay and he’s dated a number of guys. I just don’t see how out of all the guys out there I can be “the one” for him. He makes me very happy, I just am so worried that I somehow won’t make him feel the same way.

This is all so new to me. My relationship with Anginae never felt like this for a lot of different reasons. With her we were of course young but it started as friendship and gradually turned into love. I never had the jealousy or lack of self confidence with her like I have had with guys. I think part of that was in the back of my mind I always felt that if she somehow left me I would be off the hook for having to come out to her. My big secret wouldn’t be so hard to figure out anymore. Now though, I have what I want firmly in my grasp and I’m so scared to lose it. I’m not jumping for the first guy that really falls for me. I”ve gotten really lucky and found the guy I want without having to wait and search for years. It happens and I don’t wanna mess up this chance.

Now that I have what I want and need I’ve got to do what I can to be a good boyfriend (partner or husband?) while continuing to be the best father (and ex husband) I can be. It took nearly throwing away what I have to show me I am still a broken person, but I’m going to try once and for all to fix myself.

I Fell

But I did not hurt myself. I’ve fallen in love with Scooter. Fallen pretty hard in fact. I tried so hard for as long as I could to keep my emotions in check but I failed. I caved and gave into them. I don’t know why I try so hard to keep myself a closed off person. It took well over a year before I ever mustered the nerve to say those words to Anginae, although saying it (and knowing it) at age 16 is much different than at age 34.

Scooter said he basically fell for me at first site. Due to his relationship status at the time he didn’t quite know what to do about it. He officially ended his relationship with his ex just two weeks after we started seeing each other (they had been having problems for a long time). Scooter is doing his best to move on from his ex now and I can’t really ask him to do any more than he already has. He is still friends with his ex (they are still roommates….separate rooms!) and I trust him, although I’d be lying if I said I was never a little jealous, but thats mostly my insecurities talking.

I work so hard to keep myself guarded person. I don’t know why but I’m always very self conscious about ever letting someone see my emotions. I guess being the shy person that I am I’m always afraid of being judged or mocked for the way I feel. When I first met Scooter I thought he was a really nice cute guy that I thought could be a good friend. However, he was in a relationship (it was an open relationship…I know how those can go) and I did not want to be “that guy” so I initially didn’t really want to allow myself to have any strong feelings for him. Shortly after I met him I discovered all was not well with his relationship, and things quickly took off from there.

The more I allow myself to give into my feelings the more that I love him, and the more I fall for him the more scared I get. I don’t know why, but falling in love put you in a very vulnerable position. It’s not that I don’t trust him or don’t believe that he loves me, but my insecurities and jealously can sometimes get the best of me.
Scooter has told me that I’m “the one”. He’s always been out so he’s had a much longer time to figure out what that is. I hope he’s right. I don’t know what “the one” is for me, but I don’t know what else I’m looking for. He’s a loving, caring man that’s crazy about me, appreciates who I am and what I do. We are similar in a lot of ways but also different enough to make things interesting.

Between family time and work I try to find every moment I can to be with him. Scooter has met my kids and I’m hoping that things will get to where time with the kids includes him as well, much like Anginae has with Bark. To the kids he is just a friend, but I hope in the not to distant future, they know him as more that just a friend to me. All I can say is I love every moment I get to spend with him.

So there it is, I’m in love with another man. After all these years I can hardly believe it myself. With this comes so many emotions. Happiness most of all but definite moments of anxiety and fear. Anxiety for what is yet to come and fear that somehow I will manage to scare this one away as well. If I do this one will hurt so much more than the previous two. I never had any feelings for either of them that approach how I feel about Scooter. I hope this is it for me; I truly hope he is “the one” for me. As I said though I mostly feel happiness. So many things melt away for me when he holds me in his arms or when we are together, stress and other not so fun thoughts seem to simply go away. I don’t wanna lose this one, and I’m gonna do everything I can to hold onto this feeling.

Apt. 11X

Well life goes on and I continue to be a very bad blogger. Sorry dear readers for such the long absence and I hope to do much better in the future. So much is going on right now; nothing bad really, things just vary from the mundane to the new and different.

I’ve been in my apartment a little over two months now and things are settled into a little bit of a routine. I come home several nights a week. Kids have spent a few weekends with me at my apartment and seem to enjoy getting to be with me. I’m busy with work as usual of course and have signed up to coach my sons soccer team again for the spring season (the parents talked me into it again). All in all everybody seems to be adjusting to the move ok. Anginae is adjusting to being at home most of the time on her own but her boyfriend Bark is there most every night. Bark and Anginae are quite serious and he and the kids all seem to be getting along very well. Despite the complications of their relationship, I’m very happy for her and wish them nothing but a life of happiness together.

Well now that I’ve been living the life of a gay bachelor, you may wonder what’s been going on there. Let me get you up to speed.

It didn’t take me long to get my apartment broken in. Back in January I thought I might be getting back with DMc. We went on a date or two and the night I moved in he came over and…well….I got lucky. As luck would have it that was the last I have seen of him. I texted him once or twice but I now see his immaturity and have happily moved on.

A couple of weeks later I met a couple of guys I had been chatting with on Manhunt. One night a guy came over late to my apartment for a drink. Not a thing happened but we sat up and talked until 3am. He was a nice guy and we’ve talked on line since then but I haven’t seen him since. Two nights later another guy came over to watch a movie. For the first time ever I had a guy put the moves on me. We didn’t quite finish the movie and lets just say I have my first ever one night stand. He was a really nice guy but I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually. He wasn’t bad looking at all but there just wasn’t something there. Anyway it was fun but I haven’t seen him since either. I still chat with him from time to time but again this is just another guy I would just like to have as a friend.

A couple weeks later (on Valentines Day of all days) I started chatting on Manhunt with another guy, lets call him Scooter. Scooter was very nice and was persistent about meeting me. Well I finally gave in and a few days later and had a nice friendly meeting at my apartment. I liked talking with him a lot but nothing but talk happened. Scooter came over the very next night, we talked a lot again but this time there was some cuddling involved. We saw each other just about every night that week and really liked being with each other.

Scooter really fell hard for me. Me being me, I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check. After a couple of weeks I finally gave in and we are now officially “boyfriends”. We’ve been seeing each other now about a month and a half and things are going great. I’ve given into my emotions further and have really fallen for him myself.

That’s the last couple of months in a nutshell. There is a lot more going on to blog about but sorry to say I’m not going to go into further details now and will save them for a later post.

Solo Action

So here I sit alone in my own apartment. Yes, that’s right, I’ve moved out. As of Jan 15th I signed a least on a 1 bedroom apartment and here now I am. It’s a nice place and I’m a lot closer to work. I’m not here all the time. I still head home and see the family at least every couple of days and the kids have already stayed here overnight with me. It’s change and it requires an adjustment by all, but we are doing the best we can.

I haven’t posted much mainly because there has been so much going on, but let me say much has happened in the last month or so. I can possibly say that for those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time, the last few weeks have seen changes that for many of you, including myself, probably thought would never happen.

The divorce petition was officially filed December 30. We now have a minimum 90 day wait to make it final however we may not push that. Some of it depends on ironing out some details like insurance for Anginae and stuff, but all the details of the settlement will be completely amicable.

Just as big of news is that I’m officially outed to most all of my immediate family. Anginae’s parents were first. They had not taken the divorce new’s well and were basically taking it all out on her. The truth settled it all, and to my amazement have been nothing but loving and compassionate towards us both. My parents were next; told them on New Years Day. They were shocked to say the least, but the divorce has been much harder to take than me being gay. Anginae’s prediction that my mother would be the only one to try and talk us out of it after hearing the full story has been true. She’s still coming to terms with it but will in time. My grandfather and aunt and uncle were next. I told my grandpa, and Anginae told my aunt and they informed a couple of my cousins. My grandfather has proven to me more than I already knew that he is an amazing man and my aunt, uncle and cousins have been accepting as well. There are a few other close friends and family that know, and so far without exception all have been open and supportive of Anginae and I. Despite all that has happened, I could not be luckier to have such a loving wonderful family in all of this. It’s the people that I’m not as close to that worry me now. The have more room to judge and not be as open, but only time will tell. All I can say is so far so good.

Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

Christmas Carol

Well I’ve found a new Christmas song that seems pretty appropriate for me this year. I’m not gonna go into great detail right now. Suffice to say that the number of people I’m out to is growing and will continue to do so in a big way over the next few days most likely. Anyway a guy I’ve been chatting with some recently suggested I check this out. I found it very fitting so I felt I just had to share. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to you all this year.

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