Archive for February, 2008

New Look

Well I’ve tried pay attention a little bit to the look of my blog. Now that I’ve been posting for a few weeks I felt like I wanted to make the place look a little more to my liking.  Hope you all like the new header pic.  Yup, that’s me peering out the closet door.  Funny….get it?

I’m in a little better mood the last day or so.  All my accounts are still intact, including the blog obviously.  I’ve seem to become a bit addicted to working on it lately.  Work sucks at the moment so I work on it while on the clock a bit at times.  It’s a little exciting for some reason to think that there are people out there interested in reading my story.  Each night, Anginae and I like to compare who got more hits on their blog.  She’s beating me.  But only because she’s better at titling her blog entries.  I mean, who do you think will get more blog hits, someone who titles their latest post “Sex With a Lesbian” or “Dad Part 1 of…..”.   So the choice is pretty obvious why she’s winning.

I guess I’ll try to keep this blog going for a while longer.  It’s a bit therapeutic to put it all out there sometimes.   I really appreciate all the reads and comments I get so please keep them coming.  And if you read this and have a blog, please add me to your blogroll so I can start beating Angiae in blog views!

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Shitty Mood

I’m in one of my moods again. The mood where I feel like crawling back into the life I occupied pre-10/14/07. The one where I had a happy, relatively easy life with a stable job. Yes I was keeping a secret, but it was one in which had been relatively easy to keep. Despite my brief crackup about it, I’m sure if I had waited it out the urge to tell Anginae would have subsided and I could have easily gone back to my hetero straight life instead of the hetero gay life I have now. I probably would have gone by myself on my business trip in Dallas in December, where I blew up at my dad on the phone (I haven’t gotten to this story yet). Instead Anginae was there, and heard the whole thing. If she hadn’t been there, I probably would have minimized the whole thing and buried it like I had most of the time. But things have changed and I can’t do anything about it now.

I told Anginae this morning I was in one of my ‘delete all my accounts’ moods. Twice since I came out to Anginae, I went out and deleted any email accounts or the like that I had created on line to do ‘gay’ stuff. You know, anonymous ones where I could be gay but no one would know who I am. First time was about 2 weeks after I came out. It lasted about 3 weeks until I created all new ones. Second time was at the beginning of this year. That time lasted about six weeks until basically the creation of this blog. Anginae pleaded with me not to do this. She thinks writing this blog is helping me. In a way it is I guess.  But when things get to me, sometimes I just want to shut down and try to forget about it all.  That just burying it all inside will be much easier than dealing with it.  Typically, this doesn’t last too long.

I got home last night and could tell something was bothering Anginae. A lot is going right now and she quite rightly has every reason to get down from it all. I feel like crap when this happens, because I feel like it is all because of what I have done. Later that evening, while putting the kids to bed, my daughter threw a fit about something unimportant (as little girls can do i guess). I really lost my temper with her. I felt like crap for it and all of a sudden I was in a shitty mood because of everything going on. I just can’t help but feel that I’m not up for all that comes along with coming out and dealing with my dad. Especially all at once. I felt like a shitty father for treating my daughter the way that I did. I’m still not really over it. Anginae said it was like I flipped a switch last night.  One moment okay, the next pissed off.  It just hit me all of a sudden.  Sometimes I realize I have let the cat out of the bag on all this shit and I can put it back.  I have to deal with it now whether I want to or not.

I mean it when I say that the truth is the best thing in any close relationship.  I guess it’s just that maybe I can’t handle the truth sometimes.

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Dad, Part 1 of…..

…good lord I don’t know how many parts this one may be.

I guess I didn’t feel that the challenge of coming out to Anginae was enough to deal with. I guess I thought it would be a good idea to take on even more in the last few months. But that is exactly what I did. Not that it was really my choice to finally confront the relationship that I have with my dad, but that is what has happened. I didn’t choose to be gay, but the timing to tell Anginae was my decision. The situation with my father presented itself so I have had to deal with it even though the timing really sucks. So here it goes. Hang on, I’m going to try and start from the beginning.

First off, let me say that this has nothing to do with me being gay. The lucky few who are aware of that are my wife, my pastor and Dawg (whom I’ve never met). My mother and father divorced when I was 2 years old. My mother cheated on my dad and left us. She did not take to being a new mother well and was not happy in her marriage. My dad did a pretty good job a raising me by myself. He had some help of course from his parents, but did a lot of the work by himself. I love my father very much, at least that is when he is being the father that I want him to be. I don’t have vivid memories of my mother and father together. Any that I do are after their divorce. They had a civil relationship and I recall my dad taking me to visit her on weekends and us doing stuff together. When I was about 5 or 6, my dad started dating a woman who was divorced with two kids close in my age. She live in a town just west of our and he was introduced to her by my grandfather. They dated for about 3 years and got married when I was 8 years old. I now had a new step-mom, a step brother who was 9 months younger than me and a step sister who was about 3 years older than me. Right after my dad remarried, I went to live with mother.

My step mother has an unbelievably close relationship with her two kids. To this day they live in the same town (in one, case next door), and are in each other’s lives daily. They have what many would consider being the most ideal parent-child relationship you could imagine. It is unlike any other mother and child relationship I have ever known. They are completely open with one another, happy to share all their thoughts and desires. They are completely loyal and selfless towards one another. Not that most mothers love their children dearly, but this is a relationship that I believe few mother’s and their children share (at least that I’ve ever witnessed).

This relationship my step mother and my step siblings had was quite apparent from the beginning. On top of this relationship, my step bother and sister are quite outstanding individuals themselves. The top at whatever they do. If they bother to do anything, school, work, extracurricular activities, and now parenting, they set about the be the best at it. I myself have always been a pretty mediocre person at most things. Not the best at anything I do, but certainly not the worst. I guess I’m average you might call it. With me being just average, I never really felt that I fit in with them. I in no way had a relationship with my dad like they had with their mother. I loved him very much of course, but we did not share the same bond that they had. I’ve always felt my step-mother never really quite knew what to make of me. I never took to her like her own kids did, and I had my own set of self esteem issues that her kids didn’t have which she did not know how to deal with. So because of all this, I believe we both felt uncertain of one another from the very beginning. In all the years leading up to their marriage, I do not recall one single attempt by her to gain a one on one relationship with me.

So, my dad and step-mother decide to get married. At the same time my mother ends a long term, out of state relationship, with another guy and moves back to my home state. I am given the opportunity to go live with her. I’m not going to try and go into the detail of exactly what all goes on around this time. A lot of behind the scenes stuff goes on that I am really not aware of and I get different stories as to how this option presented itself, but all I remember is being asked if I wanted to go live with my mother, I said yes, without a doubt. It was a choice between the unknown of going to a new school in a new town (not far from my dad mind you) or staying with the same school and living in a house where I never felt like I fit in. I had a relationship with my mom. I would stay with her some during the summer so she was a pretty know quantity to me. I knew pretty much what my relationship with her would be like. The choice to me was obvious. I chose my mom.

Now my dad is a bit of a wuss. I am as well. I learned it from him, but I’m not in the same league as he is. I have never once seen him stand up or get angry at my step mother. This characteristic is one that my mother can vouch for. My mom will admit she could be a bitch, and my dad would never fight back with her. It drove her crazy. When my step mom gets mad at him, he basically sulks and mopes. He may get angry, but it’s more at himself because she is angry. He avoids conflict at all costs. However he will start a conflict if my stepmother feels one is warranted. If she feels that she or he is being wronged, she will point it out to make sure that he lets that person know. Imagine being at a restaurant with your significant other gets served a really crappy meal by rude waiter. Your spouse is not shy at all about expressing their displeasure to you about how poorly they are being treated and how wrong that person is. They never tell you to say anything to the waiter, but they are deeply offended and hurt by this poor treatment. But because you know that your spouse is expecting you to uphold their honor, and that you will get the stink eye/silent treatment for the rest of the evening if you don’t, you choose to chew out the waiter for what they did to your spouse, even if you feel strongly about it or not. That’s my dad and step-mother in a nutshell. She can be the most controlling person without ever really being controlling. I hope that makes sense, because it’s that relationship between my dad and my step mother that has ruled my relationship with him and many other’s for most of my life. If she ever feels that I have in any way slighted her or my dad by me or that I did not say or do the right thing in a particular situation, she would never hesitate to express her opinion about it. She would never expressly tell my.  It was alway by proxy through my dad.  And of course, my dad being who he is, would of course see her way and proceed to tell me the err of my ways.

Now I’m sure you may be saying ‘this is what parents are supposed to do; parents are supposed to teach their kids right and wrong and it not always easy for the children to understand’. But thats not really what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about this subtle yet powerful control that they seem to want to exert on me.  They don’t like the idea of me not seeing things the way they want me to see them.  To think of them as selflessly as they do each other.  I guess I just think about myself to much.  Despite my feelings towards them, I have craved my father’s and step mother’s approval like nothing else (especially my step mother).  I have wished like nothing else to see the gleam in their eye for me like they have for my step brother and sister.  I have never felt it and no matter how hard I think that I try I will never get it.

There is much, much more to this, but I can’t go over all this at once.  This is just a bit of background into our relationship.  In the last couple of months I am starting to come to terms with the relationship I have with my dad.  Like coming out to Anginae, the results of this confrontation are yet to be seen.

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Young Guys

One of the things that perplexes Anginae is what she perceives as my desire for much younger guys. I have to admit, that yes, age is a bit of a thing for me, and I have not really shown much interest in guys who are any older than me. Dawg is 24 and it really bugged her that I would consider, or even want a guy who is almost 8 years younger than me. I didn’t set out to chat with him simply because of his age, but his age certainly didn’t bother me.

So I’ve been thinking about what it is with age. I’m not completely superficial. I mean age is obviously not the only thing on a guy that I pay attention to, but it does matter to me for some reason. I’ve really tried to come up with an explanation as to why. Not necessarily just for Anginae, but for myself as well. Why does it seem to matter to me?

I’ve been able to come up with a couple of theories, both of which I think in part answer the question why I’m interested in guys my age or younger. A first easy answer is that it doesn’t make me feel quite so old. I know I’m not really old (I turned 32 today in fact). I don’t think Anginae is old at all, but I guess the thought of being with a guy in his 20’s makes me feel a bit younger. The other reason is a bit more complicated. The only way I can really describe it is that part of my brain is still stuck at looking and thinking of guys from when I was younger. I mean most people, hetero and homo both, experience relatively normal cycles of meeting people and generating relationships. I mean when your young you usually meet someone young. Your relationships typically mature as you mature. And the age and maturity of the people you are interested evolves as well.

I don’t mean that I that I’m looking for some young 18-20 yo guy. Of course I don’t mind looking at some guy that age, but I don’t seriously desire someone that age. But I never really got to be with guys that age (my fault entirely of course) while I was young. I certainly remember checking out guys in high school and in college all the time, never having the courage to come out and be myself. So in a way, I’m still stuck desiring guys that age because I never got to experience being with one. I’m sure it will change some with time. If I ever do meet a guy, it will have to be someone who will accept the relationship I have with my family. I don’t think that’s going to be some young college age guy. And also, who am I kidding, I don’t think I could ever really attract a guy that age anyway.

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More Gay Chat

So a bit more now my chats with Dawg. I of course told Anginae about Dawg. I told her that it was him that I considered meeting. That for a few brief moments I considered meeting him to have some sort of sexual encounter and that I also wanted to meet him just for the sake of meeting this guy I had been talking to for the last few weeks. Even though I never cheated on her really, Anginae basically sees this guy as the cheat in our marriage. I can see why. He was willing to meet me and basically fuck me without regard to what consequences it may cause me.  Of course I was doing half the talking as well, but I at least I finally came to my senses.  Anginae just has a real problem in that he seemed to show no regard for her or our family.  I see her point.

I’ve continued to talk off and on with Dawg since I’ve come out, with a couple of sizable gaps in our conversation.  The first was just a couple of weeks after I came out to Anginae.  I basically deleted every account that I had created in my gay life and said I just can’t do this.  I cannot come out, it will not work.  It lasted about three weeks.  I started talking him again.  My conversations were no longer about sex or anything, pretty much a lot of was talking about a guy he was into at the time.  I did this for a few weeks again until Anginae and I got to talking about it.  We’ve got a lot going on right now, and she was still quite uncomfortable with the thought of me talking to him.  She’s still working on trusting me fully again and just felt that was still hiding something from her.  She didn’t ask me to quite talking to him, but again I went and deleted all my accounts.  It just was not worth the tension it was causing between us.

It’s been about month and a half since then, and I just recently started to chat with Dawg again.  I feel Anginae and I have come to a moment of peace in our relationship right now.  Don’t get me wrong, there still is much to be figured out.  But I think she is confident now that I want her in my life for good.  How our relationship will evolve is yet to be seen, but I love her and she knows it.  Anginae has actually chatted with Dawg herself a couple of times.  She still thinks he’s a jerk and does not really like him.  After talking to him again, I don’t blame her.

Dawg is quite confident about being gay.  He thinks that my continuing to be with Anginae is purely out of fear of making change and hurting her.  He thinks there is no way I can be gay and be happy to continue to be with her.  He thinks she should let me go and be with a man so I can truly be happy.  I can see his point of view, but don’t necessarily believe it has to apply to me.  Yes, I am scared of making change and no I don’t want to hurt my wife.  Those do seem like pretty good reasons to me, but that is not the only reason of course.  I need her to get through this, and leaving her would only hurt our relationship.   I for some reason feel the need to explain to Dawg my reasons for what I am doing.  I don’t know why, and he professes to not care really to much about what I think.  He is sure of his opinion and he’s not going to change it.  That’s his prerogative I guess.

I may continue to talk to him some.  I don’t hold any aspirations of a relationship with him beyond a casual acquaintance.  I may like to meet him, but more to satisfy my curiosity as to what he is like in person.  May never happen though, and that’s fine with me right now.

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Gay Chat

I don’t know about other closeted guys who came out, but what finally did me in was gay chat. Like I’ve said before, I pretty much took care of my gay desires by looking at porn. As I’m sure that any gay guy reading this can attest, there is plenty of free gay porn out on the net (I even went as far as paying for it a couple of times). Plus there is also chat. I’ve actually not done this a ton over the years. It takes time to do it and it’s not as quick and as easy as just looking at porn, but it can be more fun. It’s just more interactive than looking at pics or videos. But I started to hang out some in the chat room on Gay.com and chatted once or twice with a few guys, nothing serious. But some guy happened to say hey to me and we got to talking. I’ll call him Dawg from this point on. Anyway, Dawg seemed like a pretty nice guy. He is a 24 yo grad student and I thought he was a pretty decent looking guy. At first it was just friendly talk mixed with getting each other off a couple of times. You know, pretty much what you would imagine two gay guys anonymously chatting about over the internet. But I got to enjoy talking to him and started to tell him more about my situation, mainly that I was married with kids. I was not out to my wife at the time of course, so my conversations were not out in the open. He wanted to meet me, but I was of course reluctant to. He wanted to meet me just to meet me, but the opportunity was there for sex as well of course. I told him that I had never really been with a man before and he though I should try sex with a guy (him to be exact) to see if I would like it. Of course I know I’ll like it. I don’t need to try sex with a guy to know prove to myself that I’m gay. I had given head to a guy and jerked a guy off when I was in jr. high. I really liked it then so I’m sure I’ll like it now.

It got to a point where I really wanted to meet him. Not necessarily to have sex or anything, but I had talked to him a fair amount so I wanted to see what he was like in person. I knew that I probably could and get away with I, but as I mentioned in my previous post, cheating was not something I was comfortable with. Even if it didn’t involve sex, I knew that meeting a guy I was somewhat interested in was close enough.

As this continued on for a couple a weeks something else happened. This was one of the first times that I really began to think that I wanted to really be with a guy. Not necessarily him, but with any guy (well not ANY guy). Yes I had always been turned on by men, but I had never really thought of anything more that just sex. And even then, it was just a matter of getting off looking at guys; nothing more than a fantasy that I figured would probably never happen. But this became something a bit different. I don’t think my feelings were for Dawg in particular. I mean yes, I did want to meet him, but it was more just the thought of finally having a relationship with a man.

Somehow in the span of just a couple of weeks of chatting with Dawg I went from never even giving a serious thought to ever really coming out to my wife to basically convincing myself that there was no way I could keep this from her any longer. While the early part of our conversations were fun and getting off, the majority of them revolved around me trying to rationalize why or why I should not come out. He was of course all for me coming out. He’s fairly confident about his sexuality and basically thinks I can not be happy unless I’m with a man. Not entirely true of course, but I could see his point. About 3 or 4 days before I told my wife, I completely quit talking to him. I had to think this through completely myself. I was really going to finally come out to Anginae. And all because of my chatting with Dawg. I don’t want to make more of my relationship than it is. I still have not met him, and I don’t know if I ever will. We are both quite different people. Now I know it’s not because of him that I finally came out, but he did help me convince myself that I needed to finally do it. Oh well, that’s enough about Dawg for now….I’ll have more on him later.

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Hot & Sexy

Anginae (my wife; I think she could use a name here other than just “wife”) and I were chatting on line a bit the other day while I was at work. We were kind of goofing around, nothing serious really. We hadn’t had sex in over a week and it was getting to her (a joke BTW). You may recall that we have been having sex more frequently since I came out (go figure), and this was probably the longest we had gone in between gettin’ it on.  Anyway during this chat she made the comment that I was hot and sexy. I don’t really consider myself either of those, but I didn’t surprise me to hear her say those things to me. She’s hetero so it’s not big surprise that she thinks those things of me when the mood strikes her.

But it got me to thinking.  That is one of the big things that proves to myself that I am gay.  Hot and sexy are not really descriptions I reserve for women.  Yes I can tell a beautiful woman when I see one, and yes, I can see it when some guy says a woman is hot or sexy.  It’s just not the thoughts that comes to mind when I see an attractive woman.  I can think that a woman is pretty, or beautiful, but to me, hot and sexy is pretty much an emotion of pure sexual attraction.  I of course think Anginae is a very beautiful woman.  She always has been to me.  It is not something that I have to convince myself.  And yes, she can be very good at doing things to get me aroused and turned on.  Like I’ve said, I like sex and I really like her, so I’ve been quite successful and putting the two together.  But as much as I hate to admit it, hot and sexy are emotions not really evoked in me when I think of any woman.  Of course the sex itself can be really hot, especially lately, and she can be quite sexy herself.  It’s just that when she say’s I’m hot and sexy, she’s thinking of a guy, and unfortunately, so am I.

It’s funny how her use of those two word to describe me really got me thinking.  I really don’t want her to think that now that I’ve come out I’m all of a sudden turned off by her, and I really don’t want her to become self conscious of what I think of her.  It just struck me on the difference between the two of us when using those two words.  But now that this is in the open with her, I seem to pay attention to things like this a lot more.  I find myself trying to explain what I’ve been doing all these years.  I don’t believe it’s all been a lie.  Not to sound full of myself, but I guess she’s found the man of her dreams in me, and I’ve found the woman of my dreams in her.  It just really sucks that there happens to be a man in my dreams that’s not there.

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