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Archive for March, 2008

I’m a Wuss

I mean that quite literally.  I’m not talking about not standing up for myself or letting people get away with treating me badly (although I don’t have the best record when it comes to that either).  I’m talking about the fact that I’m a really out of shape wuss of a guy.  I always have been pretty much.  I’m not athletic or coordinated.  I’ve never really played sports growing up, except for being a really crappy soccer player for two years in high school.  In 7th grade, we were required to P.E.  Since in didn’t play basketball, I had to take weight lifting with most of 7th, 8th & 9th  grade football team.  I was the weakest kid by far.  I got a lovely nickname of “Cardboard 55” by a couple of girls once it got out that I maxed out at 55 lbs on bench press (I doubt I could do much better than double that now).  That was the last year I had P.E. in school thankfully and I’ve worried about other people realizing exactly how big of a wuss I am.  Going to the gym and trying to work out has always been a bit of a catch-22 for me.  I’ve always had the desire to get in better shape, but I’ve always been too embarrassed to work out in front of other people because big of a weenie I am.

So a few months ago I decided to try and finally get in shape.  Anginae wanted to buy a tread mill a little over a year ago.  It didn’t get used much but last November I got up the motivation to start using it.  After about two weeks, my knee started to give me a lot of trouble.  After x-rays and and MRI, the doctor said it’s nothing really wrong, just a break down of some in the cartilage in  my knee (aka my knee is gettig old).  They can’t really do anything about is so the treadmill was out.  We got rid of it and replaced it with a recumbent bike about a month ago.  I don’t like it as much, but it doesn’t bother my knee.  I’m been doing some push-up, sit-ups and lifting a little weights now for about a month.  I haven’t noticed a big difference yet, but I’m not doing anything really tough.  I have lost about 5lbs which is good.  I’m now a little less than 10 lbs from where I want to be (175 lbs).   Once summer starts and I begin working outside a lot more, I think I should get there.  I just hope I can stay there.

Anginae is suspicious of the timing of all this.  I started this up after I came out to her.  I think she thinks I’m trying to get myself ready to be “on the market” or something.  That’s not really the case.  I think its a way of just having a bit of control over something in my life when other things are a bit crazy.  It may also be I’ve always hated my body and I’m tired of it.  I’m sure there are a number of reasons behind it, and finally coming out is one of them.  The desire to get is shape is nothing new for me, but the motivation is.

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Work Sucks

You can probably recall that I work for my dad. And if you know that than you are probably aware just how rosy our relationship is at the moment. My dad is the president and general manager at this company. It is a relatively small family owned business (about 25 employees) and has been in my family for several generations. My grandfather started the company as it is know today in 1954, and he took it over from his father who started running it in the 1930’s. My grandfather is still chairman of the board, although he is not involved in day-to-day operations. There are quite a number of other family members who work there as well. My dad’s brother is the vice president. My step brother-in-law is the assistant general manager. My step sister-in-law is the marketing director. My cousin is the lead customer service rep. My step brother was highly involved before he left to go to law school, but is still on the board of directors. My step mother is also the secretary of the board of directors. So as you can see, it is definitely a family operation.

There has always been a split between my dad and his side of the family. He does not get along well with his father, brother and his sister. After he got married, he had a falling out with my grandparents over work and personal issues, and I think he and my uncle tolerate each other for work purposes. As I step back and look around, it is amazing to me how all the relationships he has on his side of the family are in tatters. I wonder at what point he can look around and figure out that maybe it’s not everybody else that’s the problem but him and my step mother. Anyway, as you can see lots of family are at my work. My step-brother-in-law and step-sister-in-law are pretty firmly on my dad’s side of thing (whether by choice or not), but they are both pretty nice people and acknowledge me around the office. My dad on the other hand, could not ignore me or avoid me any more than he possibly could. The few times he does speak to me, he can be kind of hostile. I can’t really go speak to him about anything regarding work. I am pretty much completely shut out of anything and everything going on. I am limited to what duties I have on a daily basis, and the few projects that were already on my plate to finish. Once that work is done I don’t know what I’ll do. So pretty much everyday I go to work and just hope there is nothing that I have to do that makes me deal with my father. I communicate mostly with my step-brother-in-law law, who pretty much acts as a proxy for my dad. Our conversations are strictly work, which is fine with me, but there is definitely tension present.

So because of all this, I’m looking for a new job. I’ve been on the market since mid January. I’ve put in resume to about a dozen places or so. Things were pretty quite until last week when I got a couple of callbacks. Once is with a company who’s VP is a guy worked with at my previous job. He called me after he saw my resume and recognized my name. I have an interview with that company tomorrow. The one that I’m really hopeful for called last week. I had two interviews that lasted about 5 1/2 hours total. It went pretty well. I really want this job. I can’t tell you how badly I want this job. There are so many things about it I like, plus I’m desperate to get out of my current situation as soon as possible. The president of the company he’s ready to hire pretty soon, so I’m hopeful to hear back anytime now. I just want to know so I can move on. I think I have a good shot, but I just want to know so I can move on.

So everyone keep you fingers crossed that I get this job. If I don’t, say a little prayer for Anginae and my kids, because I’m going to be a real pain in the ass for a little while if I don’t get it.

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My Wife Outs Me

Anginae apparently enjoys outing me to various people.  I’m being a smart ass of course, but it is kinda true.  A few days after I came out last October, Anginae confided in our pastor.  Of course I was completely o.k. with this.  He is a very open minded and loving man.  Our secret is safe with him and he is no different towards me than before.  Last night Anginae went out to do a bit of shopping and had dinner with an old friend.  I give her a call and she says “I just told him your secret”.  I’m not really phased by this at all.  I told her I don’t mind at all if she tells this guy.  I’ll call him Jay#2 since his first name is just the same as mine.  Jay#2 is gay himself.  Anginae and I went to high school with him.  While we were dating in high school, Jay#2 was really the only threat that ever came along in our relationship.  He really liked her, but she decided to stick with me.  He went away out last year in school (apparently ran off with a guy) not to be heard from again until recently.  One evening, not long after I came out, Anginae was poking around on Myspace and found Jay#2’s page.  Lo and behold, he was gay.  She took this a little hard actually.  To find out that I was gay and that the last guy who seriously went after her was also gay….well it wasn’t the greatest thing to find out.  She messaged him though and they became quick friends again.  They got along quite well in high school and it was pretty easy for them to pick up their friendship where they left off.  They’ve had lunch, talked on the phone, and message each other through their Myspace pages.  I actually mentioned she should tell him.  I’m not worried about him outing me to anybody else and I was kind of curios as to what his reaction would be.  In a strange way I wanted him to know.  I thought his perspective might be of help to both of us in some way.

Jay#2’s reaction actually disappointed Anginae a bit.  His response was “Really?”.  I guess she was hoping he might fall in the floor or something, but it didn’t phase him much at all.  He said that before we started dating he wondered if I was gay myself.  But once we got married, he figured I wasn’t for sure.

So maybe one of these days I’ll be the one who gets to out myself someone (although she certainly counts).  Unfortunately the people I get to tell will have the more dramatic reactions than the ones she’s told so far.

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Why Not Bi?

For some reason this question has been weighing on me heavily lately. Just the general question of my sexuality that is. I know that I’m not straight, but am I bisexual or am I gay. All my life I’ve never really considered myself to be bisexual. Before all this it’s not actually something I’ve ever gave a great deal of thought too. But why is it I’m reluctant to use bisexual as a way to describe myself. It may after all explain a lot of things. But in a way, it makes things a lot more confusing to me and I don’t have a good answer as to why.

All these years of trying to figure it out in my head by myself, I never really thought “well maybe I’m bisexual”. I guess that’s because the hetero side of my life has been a choice. I didn’t choose to be gay. Ever since I’ve thought about sex, it’s pretty much just been about guys. I can recall when I was an early teen, when I was alone and doing the thing that most young teenage boys do by themselves, I would usually think about guys, but sometimes I would force myself to think about girls. I had to because I just had to be normal. My mind would wander of course, but occasionally I would be successful at it, but I definitely had to make a conscious effort. I would always feel guilty after jacking off thinking about guys, but if I was successful at doing it while thinking about girls, I would always feel that if I just keep it up I would get guys out of my mind. I guess I didn’t try hard enough.

In all the occasions I have looked at porn, I have only sought out gay porn. I never recall going to the web and looking for straight porn. I’ve seen it, and I could get off to it if I wanted to, but I’ve never gone looking for it. I mean I can see people having sex and be aroused by it. I could probably be aroused by seeing two women have sex. It’s the idea of seeing two people get off to one another that is arousing. I would not aroused by the women themselves, just what they are doing. If I were to look at just a picture of a nude woman by herself, I wouldn’t really do much for me, but seeing just a guy by himself would. When I look at gay porn, I’m turned on by what they are doing, but also by just looking at the guys themselves.  I can walk right by a Victoria Secret in the mall and not give a glance to the pictures of pics in lingere, but I’ve purposely walked into and Abercrombie and Fitch to look at the pictures of the guys on the walls.

I guess in some way I feel pressure to describe myself as bi.  I don’t know why but at the moment I do.  I think in some way because Anginae feels that I am bi, or at least wants me to be.  I’m sure it would help her explain this a bit.  At this point, I guess I’m not 100% confident in myself to say if she’s right or wrong.   I guess I’m just confused as to how and explain all of my feelings I’ve had for her over the last 16 years.  I love her and when I married her I loved her.  I know my feelings for her are very real, but I just feel this need to explain my attraction towards her.

I guess it’s probably natural to question my sexuality in all this.  It is a pretty confusing matter.  I’m just so afraid of letting Anginae down somehow.  I want to be something for her and I’m afraid I won’t be.  I want to be straight for her and for myself and I don’t think I can be.

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Dad Part 3 of……

Well I hope for the sake of those of you reading my blog I this may be the last major post that I have for a while on my dad. Of course it probably won’t be, but I’ll try to lay off of it for a while after this one.

What may be the beginning of the end started at my kids Christmas program at church a couple months ago. As you may recall, my father and step mother hate my mother, with a passion. The hate they have for her rules their lives at times. Also, my step sister, her husband and two girls go to our church as well (my step brother in law has gone their all his life). Their two kids as well as our two kids were going to be in the Christmas program. We thought is would be appropriate that all of our kids grandparents be welcome. This would of course mean that my mother would be there. That fact did not go over well with my father. I told my dad a day or two before the event that she would be there. He looked like I shot his dog after I told him. He tried to convince me to ask her not to come, but I said that would be unfair and I wasn’t going to tell her that she could not see her grandchildren.

On the Saturday night of the program, we arrive at the church with my mother and step father (our church is fairly small, a little less than 100 regular attendees) since they had never been there before. I am a nervous wreck of course. Anginae takes them into the sanctuary and my mom and step dad happen to sit in a pew just across the aisle from my dad and step mom. I walk upstairs to find an empty sanctuary with both sets of my parents sitting an aisle apart from each other. I just about die at the sight of this. I ask Anginae why the hell she sat them so close. She said she didn’t really realize it and basically just told them where the kids would be on stage and my mom and step dad picked the seats (my mom really doesn’t give a shit that my dad is there, she’s just wants to see the kids and is happy to be there). For the rest of the entire evening, my father and step mother ignore me, Anginae and both our kids. Anginae and I both say hello to my dad and step mother. Anginae is completely ignored and my dad forces a hello out of himself to me. Later I tell the kids to say hello to my dad and step mother and I think they are barely acknowledged back. So this ends the evening. I have a shitty evening because I have never been able to handle them being in the same room together (this is a conditioned response from my father), but my family, mother and step father and in-laws all have a pretty good time (they don’t really care about how my dad feels).

The next Monday I head to Dallas with Anginae for a business trip. This was the first business trip Anginae has accompanied me on. It was really nice to have her there, especially in light of what happens next. I call in to check in with my dad at the end of the day (remember I work for him). I call him two or three times and can tell he’s avoiding my call. Finally I get through and he admits he was avoiding me because he didn’t know what to say. He says he is mad and me and Anginae. Well I basically lose it with him. He accuses Anginae of sitting my mom across from them on purpose (which of course she did not) and how he thinks I should have told her not to be there. In the process of this coversation I do a lot of yelling and end the call by throwing my cell phone (work issued mind you) across the room and against the wall (damn that felt good). So I spend the next three days without a cell phone until I get back to work and buy a new one.

While there he sends me an email responding to some of the things I screamed at him along with a couple of other things. Basically, he feels that because of what my mother did almost 30 years ago that she should have to give some things up. He does not think she should be allowed to come to our church (and my step sisters church) because it is a family event that he has to be at. I tell him I’m not going to punish my mother for him. I’m tired of putting up with the bullshit they want me to feel towards her because of what happened 30 years ago. I tell him she left me too, but I know she’s sorry for what she did and I’ve forgiven her. I don’t expect him to forgive her, but he’s had a new family for almost 25 years and they just needs to move on. But for them to move on would mean they have to give up feeling morally superior to her. I honestly don’t think they know how to live their lives without hating my mother.

A few days later Anginae sends and email to my dad basically giving her point of view on the whole situation. Our church is very important to her. Even though we have just been there a few years, it is like a home to her and she has developed some very close relationships with our pastor and some other members. In this email, she expresses why she feels that my mother has every much a right to be at our church as they do and goes on to say why she has forgiven my mother. She puts much of this email in the context of her faith as a Christian.

My dad does not respond directly to Anginae of course but to me. He shows me a copy of the email (which I had not read) and says two things: Anginae is “full of it” and “preachy”. This goes over very well of course. This happens all before Christmas day. I tell him I think it’s best to not come out to their house on Christmas night since the situation is pretty tense.

So work continues and things are faily tense between us. He speaks to me, but about work only. He initiates several conversations about the situation, but I stand my ground and things never really move anywhere. One day during work he says we need to go for a drive. He basically says he doesn’t want my mother to ruin our relationship. He also says he would like relationship with me, and our kids. I ask, “what about Anginae”. He says no. So he basically says he wants me and our kids in his life, but he wants nothing to do with her. And this is where things have stayed for about two months. We’ve had a few conversations about this since, and each time I get more shit from the last 25 years off my chest to him. He knows how I feel and he knows that I’m pissed. I haven’t yelled or thrown anything at him tough.

I see my dad daily. He’s my boss. He does not speak to me. He can hardly look at me or be in the same room with me. He’s mad because he can’t see his grandchildren how he wants. Like he said, he still want to be a part of their life. Anginae and I don’t really want him over to our house. So I’ve told him we just how we have to figure out how he can be a part of their lives but it’s going to take some time. I myself feel like I’m done with all of them. I haven’t been able to fit in with them for 25 years, so I don’t think I ever will. I have to speak to him occasionally but he looks pained to even respond to me. I have been completely shut out of everything going on at work. I basically can only do my daily routine that is my job and not much more. I made up my mind after he said he wanted nothing to do with Anginae to find a new job. I’ve been looking for a couple of months, but no real luck yet.

So that brings things up to date pretty much. Great stuff huh? As I write this I think of about more and more I’d like to write about it. I’ll try and save it for another time and not cram it all into one post (or three). I’m tired of writing about it a little bit anyway and I’m sure you’re ready for me to get on to more interesting stuff.

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Dad, Part 2 of….

Sorry to interrupt my blog with anther very boring post about my dad. My first post regarding my dad registered a grand total of 1 blog view, and I think that was just from Anginae. But I can’t really leave this part of my life out of here right now. It is just as significant in my life as coming out has been, and in some ways more so.

Let me disclose something else about my dad before I go any further. I work for him. I am the 4th generation working in a family owned small business. I see my dad on a daily basis. Of we aren’t really speaking at the moment, so work is just a blast right now. I’m looking for a new job at the moment (yet another fun challenge to add) so things are really up in the air. But let me digress for a while and go back a ways to try and get this story closer to present day.

If your really interested, please read my post Dad, Part 1 of…... It was long and boring so I’m sure you won’t want to, but check it out if you like.

I’ve had issues with my dad in step mother basically from the beginning. Many of these issues were really not out in the open, some of them were. Basically at the age of 8 I was given a chance to go live with my mother instead of living with my new family that my dad had married. I took the chance and it changed my life. I have always been resented by my step mother and my dad for making that choice. I know this because they told me to my face (when I was a young kid mind you, not recently). My father and step mother in particular hate my mother. They spent many years basically trying to turn me against her and convince me to come back and live with them. She cheated on my dad and left me and him when I was two. My step mother thinks she is scum and in no way deserved me. At the time, she was probably right to some degree, but my mother was a changed person, and was aware of her mistakes. When I went to live with her they thought my mom was a slut and told me as much. The told me how she used to sleep around with guys, part and get drunk. They told me they were afraid I would bring an STD into their home. I don’t not recall my mother being around many men as a kid. I can remember her dating a couple of different guys, but if she slept around a lot she kept it well hidden from me. She only dated guys for a couple years before she finally met my step father.

But father and step mother took every opportunity that I was around them to question me about my mother’s happenings. They made it very clear that I hurt my father by choosing her over him. That I could have the life my step brother and sister had if I would just come to live with them. That I chose the parent who ditched me and my father, instead of the one who was there for me.

I of course see things a bit differently. I have played the last 25 years over in my head countless times. I’ve tried to figure out exactly what it is that made me choose my mother over my father. I’ve come up with many different answers, but as I get older, those answers start to become more clear.

I love my father, very much in fact.  But my father is not the same father when he is with his wife and step kids.  I think my dad has always basically been ashamed of how I turned out compared to my step mother’s kids.  I am in no way as good as they are, and I never have been.  He’s always been self deprecating  when I comes to the job he’s done as a father, and I know he wishes I was more like them.  My dad always made me defer to them.  He’s always made sure that I never got in the way of their lives or their family.  What they had was special and I was not to interfere with that.  I don’t expect him to treat me better than them, but I’ve always wished they thought as highly of me as they do my step brother and sister.  I’ve always wished I could be as good enough for them but I never have and never will.

Good lord writing all this makes me sound like some whiny little brat.  I’ve always wondered if that’s really what I am.  I should just suck it up and get on with it.  Tough love is just that.  I’m not supposed to like it.  They were just trying to make me a better person.  But I don’t feel that way.  I think they didn’t get what they want and they made me pay the price for it.

Well I feel like I’ve rambled on a bit about this long enough now.  I’m sure none of this makes any sense, but all this that I bring up is front and center in my life now (on top of everything else).  The next part of this may be how my latest confrontation came about and how it may be the beginning of the end of it all for me and my father.

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Home Sweet Home

Well I’m sure for people who frequent some of the blogs around here, I’m sure this story isn’t really news to most of you. I’m not going to bother and try and post the actual YouTube video, but it about Oklahoma state representative Sally Kern (R-Oklahoma City) who basically compared gays to Islamic terrorists and a cancer on society. She is not backing down from her statements. She is adamant that she does not hate gays and that her statements were not hateful. If she loses her seat then so be it, this is what she believes. It’s her right to feel and say these things, it just unfortunate that she represents thousands of people, I’m sure a number of whom are gay.

As the title of the post indicates, I call Oklahoma home. I’ve lived in this state all my life. There are some good things about it, and like every other state, some crappy things about it. I can’t really compare it to somewhere else. It’s a pretty safe place to raise a family and it a pretty affordable place to live.  All my family lives around here so I’ve never really considered moving away even though I’m sure there are cities I would like much better than where I live.  But this is home, I’m not really going anywhere, so I gotta deal with it.

What’s sad for me is that I feel her comments reflect the opinion of many or most people around where I live.  I live in a pretty small town.  I’ve heard many an anti gay comments from many different people.  I’m not exactly in a area conducive to coming out.  I can’t think of one person in the area that I live in that’s out.  There are a few people that I’ve seen that some think are gay.  There are a couple of guys that live in the country that are referred to as ‘those queers’ so I guess there’s some.  There was a guy I would see working at the Wal-Mart here in town that acted about as gay as they come, but I’m just stereotyping so I don’t really know.   It’s shit like this that makes me realize why I kept my secret in the closet for so long.  Hell my secret still is in the closet.  Anginae’s opinion about me is not really the norm around here.  There are some other people that I know, that would not think poorly of me for being gay, but I can’t think of more people that would be just a happy to drag me down are dark road and beat the shit out of a queer like me.  Especially one they have been around for so long keeping a secret from them.

It’s one of the reason’s I’m reluctant to just come out.  I mean the person who matters the most can deal with it, so why should I care about everybody else.  But people’s opinions will affect more than just me.  They can affect Anginae and our kids.  It’s not something I really am worrying at the moment, but I’m just scared that someday I will.

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