Archive for May, 2008

I’m A Fool

I don’t know whether I have mentioned this or not, but I feel like I have become pretty good friends with Nate at Diary of a Gay Dad over the course of blogging. Me and Anginae both chat with him and I enjoy talking to him quite a bit. I’ve even been able to chat with Ace some and I really like both of them a lot.

Well if you keep up with Nate’g blog, then you may have read this post where our conversations have caused a bit of a problem between the two of them. Now I’m not full of myself enough to think that I can cause all this trouble between a married couple 1000s of miles away, but our conversations apparently caused Ace to be a bit uncomfortable with our online relationship and it kind of led to much bigger fight. So while I was not the root of the disagreement, I was at least a big part of the spark the caused it.

I have to be honest with why I believe he felt this way. Nate can be a flirt, and I can flirt right back with him. We never really talk about sex too much, at least not in the fashion to try and get each other off, but if we do it’s more in a joking type manner. Often times, Anginae and I are both chatting with him at the same time, and usually Ace is with Nate as well. Over time, I may have divulged a bit too much about myself and I think that has made the two of them uncomfortable. Nate knows what I look like. Knows my real name. Knows my wife and kids names. I know many of your are thinking how foolish that is.  He does not know my full name, what town I live in or where I work, but he knows a hell of a lot about me. I’m afraid that he, and Ace especially, thought I was interested in being more than just friends. I’m afraid that Ace thinks that I have a crush on Nate, and I’m trying to get him to feel the same about me. I do admit that I enjoy Nate’s flirtatious attitude, but I don’t feel that way about Nate, nor does he about me.  I’m afraid that to Ace, I became Internet Guy for Nate.  I hate the thought of ever being that type of guy. The truth is it breaks my heart to think of them splitting up.  They are married and I truly want the two of them to live the rest of their lives together in happiness.  I’ve talked to Ace, and I can tell by what little I have chatted with him, how much he cares for Nate.  He may seem possessive, but I’ve always viewed it as being protective.  Nate’s the kind of guy who’s his own worst enemy (kinda like myself) and I feel that Ace knows that.  Once you get to know him, Nate is hard not to like, but I get the feeling he can be a real pain in the ass to deal with (not his fault).  Ace loves him and cares for him despite all this.  I admire him a great deal for it.  I may be way off base in my opinions of these two.  Hell I really shouldn’t be giving my opinions on a couple of guys I’ve only chatted with on the internet, but I care about both of them, despite having never met them.

I think the deeper issue for me is just having friends who know who I am.  Anginae is my best friend and I can talk to her whenever I want.  I couldn’t do this without her, but I have a strong desire to meet and get to know people and have them know me for who I am.  I’m probably guilty of being a bit too trusting about people.  I’m fairly confident that I can trust Nate and Ace.  I have nothing to prove this, it’s just a feeling.  Maybe I’m naive or stupid for feeling that way, but I do.  I’ve shared the things about me with them that I have because I want them to know the whole me, not just a fabricated imaginary portion of me.  I wish I could tell them my full name, where I live, my phone number.  Just like most true friends do with one another.  I haven’t done that and I’m not going to.  It’s not appropriate.  I have to accept that our friendship is one based on some sort of anonymity.  I think my willingness to share who I was pressured Nate it to sharing more about himself than he felt comfortable with.  I feel bad for that, but I think it one of my vulnerabilities right now.

I’m very feel very embarrassed and foolish for what I have done.  I hope that we can still be friends, but I will do whatever is best for the two of them.  I respect them both too much not to.

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I feel like i’m being a bit melodramatic with this post, but it’s my blog and it’s what I’m thinking so make fun of me, stop reading or do whatever the hell you want, why should I care (sad thing is, I do care).

As you may recall, I came out to my wife on October 14, 2007. One of my favorite bands for many years has been Radiohead. On October 10, they released for download their new album In Rainbows. I listened to that album quite a bit that week, which was very emotional week for me since it was those few days that I basically decided that I had to come out and tell Anginae I was gay. What made it worse was that I had to try and act like everything was absolutely normal, especially around Anginae since she’s very good at sensing when something is up with me. Anyway because of what was going on in my head that week, and how often I listened to In Rainbows, it has a bit of a special place small music collection. I really like the album a lot. It probably my second favorite behind OK Computer (one of my all time faves).

To me Radiohead is a bit of an acquired taste. Some people think that Thom Yorke is just kinda whiny, and I guess he can be a bit, but I’ve always really liked them. I’m not trying to suggest anyone run out and but this album, but if you if you’ve like some of their work in the past, I highly recommend it.

Anyway, this post isn’t intended as an album review. I’m not a big music, nut and I typically just listen to what sounds good and don’t pay close attention to they lyrics. Not some much in the case of this album. One song in particular hit me very hard and still does to this day. It’s called Nude and the lyrics really seem to get to me. I really like the song a lot, but somehow the lyrics really reflect how I feel about a lot of things, especially the situation with my father and of course coming out to Anginae. The song really reflects how sometimes there’s no way out of either situation. I’m damned if i do, damned if I don’t.

So times I feel so incredibly trapped by my situation I can hardly stand it. I don’t feel trapped by Anginae, but trapped by what choices I feel I have in front of me. I either have to stuff being gay down deep insinde, something I’ve tried a few times since telling Anginae, with absolutely no success, or accept being gay and live my life that way. While there are some positives to that situation, the negatives of being gay scare the hell out of me. How the hell do I get out of this without going crazy myself or alienating those around me?

I don’t know exactly what the big idea is for me. Whether it’s I can continue to live my hetero gay life or start a homo gay life, neither one of them is really gonna happen.  Also, can I finally live my life without the difficulty of figuring out to get along with my father, or do I have to have him in my life and deal with it. No matter what decision I make it’s not gonna work and I’m gonna be damned no matter which way I try to go.

I later realized a small bit of irony in the title of the album as well. A rainbow being a common symbol for the homosexual movement, it is a bit strange that I listened a great deal to an album entitled In Rainbows the week prior to coming out to my wife.

Well sorry for the stupid post.  It seems a bit silly to me to let something so minor as a stupid song/album hold as much meaning as it does to me, but oh well, what can I do.  And if you do decide to go out and download it, Radiohead is no longer letting you name your own price to download it, you gotta pay retail now suckers.  That is unless you feel like downloading it illegally.

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Is there any married guy who’s come out to their wife that hasn’t either cheated on their wife while married or having a relationship with a man after they came out while they are still married?  I have received numerous comments and emails from guys reading my blog and I truly appreciate them all.  But so far not one mans story that I can think of have they not had a relationship with a man while they are married (i.e. cheated on their wife).  A few guys have come out to their wives and now have relationships with men.  Granted some of these relationships are purely sexual and in some cases the wives are completely unaware of the past or current relationship.

I’m proud of the fact that I’ve never really cheated on Anginae (I know I’ve thought about it and I came close with Internet Guy, but never even met the guy).  I’m not saying I’m proud of lying to her all these years, but as I’ve said before, staying faithful is about the only right thing I did.  I don’t know why I have mixed feelings when I hear this from guys.  I don’t mean that from a judgmental standpoint, but it makes me feel a bit isolated in my particular situation.  Excluded fooling around with my step-brother over 15 years ago, I’ve never been with a guy.  All these other guys have at least experienced a relationship with a guy at some point and know it was desirable to them.  Despite knowing how I’ve felt about guys since I’ve known Anginae, I’ve never cheated on her.  No one else I’ve talked to can say that.  I don’t know if I’m just somewhat jealous or what but something about it just bugs me.

If I’m wrong about some of you guys reading this please let me know.  I’m not at all trying to cast judgment on anybody who has, but I would really like some feedback from you guys on this one.

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I dont’ recall exactly when I started to notice guys. I stated a new school in 8th grade (same school I graduated H.S. from and where I met Anginae) and sometime that year is when I recall starting to notice the guys around school rather than the girls. Before that, I don’t really recall many sexual thoughts. I can look back and see some things that may point to how I would feel about guys, but like most kids before puberty, I didn’t know nor did I ever think much about sex. I remember thinking that I would have a girlfriend, but it was more just a cute thing than anything real. I recall trying to get one of the popular girls in 5th grade to be my girlfriend and she said she would be for the rest of the school year (3 days total) if I bought her a sweatshirt. I was cheap then as well so I said no way. I don’t recall having a crush on any of my guy friends growing up. I never really had many friends in high school growing up that were cute enough to have a crush on either. I can remember plenty of the guys in high school that I thought were hot, but didn’t really know them well and it wouldn’t have made any difference if I did anyway.

The thing is when I started to notice the guys and thought they were cute, I could do nothing about it. I knew I wasn’t supposed to. I knew what gay was, and I knew I didn’t want to be. I had no one that I could talk to. I was pretty shy, so I didn’t try to compensate for how I felt by trying to pick up girls, I just kinda kept to my small group of friends and fit in with everyone else. For me, trying to be honest with myself and express how I felt about boys was not an option. I’m definitely a fit in and blend in kinda guy, so being open with how I felt would have been a nightmare for me. It’s fair to say that if I had been open, I would have been give more than my fair share of shit. I mean my Super Annoying Step Brother was not openly gay (but he sure acted gay as hell) was given shit by everyone to no end for how he acted. People called him gay since Jr. High even though he tried to date girls. He eventually came out towards the end of college, I’m sure to the surprise of no one.

I was all alone in dealing with it and it was not easy. I met Anginae just a few days after I stared school, but didn’t really get to know her until the next year. The summer before our soph. year we shared a driver’s-ed car together and I really liked being with her. I never seriously thought about asking her out, but a few months later she got tired of waiting for me to ask and did it herself. I said yes. I was quite relieve to have a girlfriend at last. As you may recall, not long before this I had been messing around with my Super Annoying Step Brother for some time and I was not comfortable with dealing with my gayness. Getting a girlfriend was going to solve all my problems. My mom was actually starting to get a little suspicious that me and S.A.S.B. were up to something and she confronted me with it. I was proud to deny it and report to her that “mom I’m not gay and I have a girlfriend”. We broke up a time or two in high school, but I guess you can figure out we got back together and now the rest is history.

I didn’t plan on lying to her at the time. It wasn’t something I could deal with myself, let alone tell her. I guess I’ve just always wondered if it wasn’t any big deal for people to like who they feel they are attracted to, would I ever have gone out with her. And I mean this in regards to kids at that age trying to figure out what to do about their attraction to other boys instead of girls. Following my attraction the boys was not something I could talk to anyone about, let alone act upon. I think that is the case for most guys who hide in the closet and try to live a normal life. By the time we figure it out, we have spent many years building a life of a straight man. Undoing it proves to be extremely painful for all involved. I never chose to like guys. It just kinda all of a sudden happened. I never chose to be gay, I only chose to hide it.

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Well, as I warned a few weeks ago, I’m not gonna be very good about posting regularly.  It’s been a busy few weeks.   I’m still gay, still married, still the father of two kids, and still gainfully employed, so nothing new there.

The new job is going well so far.  I really like the work I’m doing and I like my boss and the people I work with.  There is a great deal for me to learn.  I’m got a job that allows me to used my degree quite a bit more, but I’m way out of practice on top of the fact that it is an entirely new industry that I have no experience in.  I’m sure you wondering how I got hired, but Anginae seems to think my boss really likes me (not like that!), and I don’t know why.  I’m a nice guy, but nothing special.

Hhhmmmm, other boring news, I finally was able to talk Anginae into getting a new car.  I made her part with her second Subaru.  This time we traded her ’06 Outback for a ’08 Civic EX Sedan.  It’s nice, but less expensive than the Outback.  Plus it’s will average us about 30 mpg which is about a 20% improvement.  I think she really likes it.  It’s a black pearl color has a moon roof which I always wanted.  Had it for about 2 weeks now and I was very proud to average about 33 mpg driving it last weekend.

Speaking of last weekend, I think Anginae had a nice mothers day.  I tried to dress up nice for her in a dress shirt and my blazer to go to church, which she really liked. I don’t dress up for her and she likes it when I do so I tried to look good for her.  The kids fixed her Smore’s Poptarts in bed for her and got her a box of candy.  I surprised her with a new 4 GB Ipod Nano and downloaded the Foxboro Hottubs (aka Green Day; Anginae’s fave) on it for her.  This will go well with her new car since it has a jack to plug in and listen to her Ipod.  Overall it was a busy day visiting family, but I think it was a good day for her.

Still trying to keep up exercising.  Not doing as well since my new work schedule doesn’t give me as much time.  I have a hard time dragging my ass out of bed early in the morning before I go to work and it’s hard to get up off the couch at night once we sat down from getting the kids in bed.   I’ve been able to exercise about 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks which is better than nothing I guess.  I’m got to accept I’m never going to be a “fit” guy, but I will just have to live with various levels of being out of shape!

Since I’ve left my old job I’ve not spoken to my father at all.  It’s been over a month now and this is by far the longest period I’ve ever gone without speaking to him.  I have very mixed emotions about this.  On the one hand, it’s a relief to not be dealing with him and everything that went along with our relationship, but on the other I just can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  My son graduated from kindergarten tonight and my dad was there.  I didn’t see him, and he came because Anginae sent him and email letting him know when it was happening.  I’m glad I didn’t see him and know he was there until after it was over.  At this point in my life, I’ve decided I don’t want a relationship, and he clearly indicated they want no relationship with Anginae.  But I’m unsure what obligation I have to ensure the grandparent to grandchild relationship I need to provide for. Our kids don’t really bring them up, so I don’t know how much they notice their absence.  How do make sure my kids have a relationship with him, when I don’t want one, and is it my responsibility to provide one?  Questions that will take a little time to figure out I’m sure.  I’ll just try and enjoy not having that stress of dealing with them for now.

Well this turned out to be a little bit longer of a post than I intended.  And it’s all edge of your seat kinda shit for you to read.  I’ve got lots of things in my head I’d like to post, if I only had the time.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.

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Door #3 Was Locked

I’ve had a lot of responses to my last couple of posts. I appreciate them all, but I have to admit I’m not sure what I was hoping for. Part of me wants to hear that I’m right, I can’t do this, you can’t be gay, so get over it. The other side of me wanted to hear that I can’t deny this any longer. I’ve tried for a good part of my life and I can’t do it any longer. I pretty much got both of those type of responses and I’m not sure which type I was hoping for.

This is not the first time I’ve done this since I’ve come out to Anginae. Sometimes I just wanna put my head in the sand and make this go away. I really meant what I said in my last post, but as I am prone to do at times, it was a bit of a reaction to what Anginae had to say. I don’t like doing it, and when I do it I honestly feel that I am doing the right thing. Anginae has informed me she cannot forget about this. She cannot pretend it has not happened. I hate to admit I cannot either. No matter how bad I want to, no matter how hard I try I cannot make myself straight and I cannot deny that I am gay.

I think door #3 for me what a little like my option #1, which means that I’m not gay at all.  Actually, option #3 was basically forcing me to make option #1 as true as possible.  When I wrote my last post I was mainly tired of dealing with this, but tough shit I guess. I don’t like the idea of not being able control this and make it go away. Maybe some day we will figure it out, I will just have to give it a bit of time.

I’m not gonna go away.  I’ll try and keep blogging, as long as you keep reading.  I’m sorry to disappoint the few of you that hoped I had finally chosen the path that I wish I could make myself take.  I’m ashamed that I can’t.  Many things that lie in the path ahead of us scare the hell out of me.  Burying my head in the sand and pretending I’m something I’m not won’t fix anything.

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Door #3

You may recall my previous post in which I basically laid out the three options I feel I have to deal with this whole mess. I’m sure there are other options possible, I just can’t figure out what they are. My first choice would to be perfectly straight, and be completely turned off by men (hasn’t happened yet), second was to just be gay, have a boyfriend, but still have Anginae in my everyday life and be a good father, and third was to just try and go back as best as possible to the way things were before October 14, 2007.

I think I’m gonna go with option #3. It’s the only choice I have really. Plus it’s the easiest.  I can’t undo all that I have done over the last 15 plus years of my life for the hell of it. I also can’t undo what has happened over the last six months, but I can at least try and move on from them. Anginae knows my secret. I have shared something important with her and that is a good thing. That does not mean I need to do anything about it.

I can’t let a selfish desire destroy the lives of those I care most about. I can think of countless negatives and bad things that would happen if I choose to live my life gay. I can’t think of one good or positive thing that would happen if I choose to live my life as a gay man. Option 3 means I just have to get over it. Big damn deal really. There are people who have to deal with much more difficult shit in their lives that that.

I’m a husband and a father. I’m a relatively successful professional and a active member of our church. I’m a son and son-in-law. I am a normal hetero guy in all of these parts of my life. If I’m gay, I really can’t be any of these things anymore. I don’t have the right to change all of this. I made the choice to be straight a long time ago. I can’t change my mind now.

I’m tired of dealing with all this shit. I’m ready to move on. I’m tired of talking about how I can live being gay. I can’t and so I just need to get over it and move on. I know it sounds like I’m gonna try and just shove myself back in the closet, but that’s not how I look at it. I’m gonna try and come out of the closet, but shut and lock the gay part inside and leave it there. It will be hard at times, but so is any other option that I have.

This way, I can keep the other people in my life happy and take care of them. I can be there for Anginae and no have her worry about me leaving her or running away. Being able to make them happy will make me happy.  It’s my responsibility to take care of my family.  Being gay would betray that.

I know it may sound that I am hastily coming to this decision, especially since I just blogged about my options a few days ago.  But these are basically the options I’ve that I have running through my head over and over again since I came out to Anginae.  I’m ready to move on, and stop discussing this all the time.  I’m gay, so what.  It’s something I’ll just have to deal with one day at a time.  Being gay is not the life I chose so I just gotta live with it.

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