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Archive for June, 2008

Open Letter to Ewe

Well Ewe, I have to thank you for generating all the comment traffic on my blog.  I really like reading them, they can be quite entertaining.  First off, my wife does not speak for me, nor does she pretend to.  She had every right to defend me on this page as well as her on own.  He views will always be welcome here.  After more than 15 years of being a couple, she can stand up for me pretty well.  I would stand up for her the same as well, and I completely support her decision to block your comments from blog.

Despite her encouragement for me to do the same to you, I have decided to allow you to continue to comment here….for now that is.  Now I’m sure your saying to your self “whoopdee fucking doo”, but I figure you probably been banned from plenty of other blogs for you spiteful comments, but I’m going to go for a different approach.  The comments you leave here show yourself for who you truly are.  I know who my friends are around here and who aren’t.  I may not be self confident enough to endure your harsh comments in real life, but I can handle them here, it’s the internet after all.

I do have several comments directly for you Ewe.  You say that I am harmful to any young gay male struggling with coming out.  I would never encourage anyone struggling with being gay to do what I did.   I may not have the answer as to what’s best, but I can tell them to hide who they are is a mistake. Second, would you mind telling me how you closed minded opinion of how a gay man should live his life is any different than some closed minded religious right bigot.  You have one view as to how a gay man should live their life and so does someone who says I will go to hell for being gay.  It’s the same, just the opposite ends of the spectrum.  And lastly, if you really are Dawk (a.k.a. Internet Guy) have to balls to come out and tell me.  You don’t have to do it here.  You can just email me at formulaorange108@yahoo.com and your secret will be safe with me.

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Change Me Please

repair

Well I’m not gonna try to piss anybody off this time on this post. As Nate mentioned in this post, he did some homework for me and I’ve tried to follow up on it a bit. One of links he found was to NARTH. That’s the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Nate gave me some other links to look at, but I found this one the most interesting. They are a group of therapists that believe therapy should be available to those who do not believe that homosexual relationships are right for them. I don’t know how radical they are or exactly their approach. It seems to be more clinical rather than faith based which is what I would be interested in. I’ve really been thinking about ordering this book which is written by one of the therapists who belong to NARTH.
I’ve found it on Amazon and it’s $40 bucks. I don’t know if it’s worth the money or not, but as much as I bitch about not wanting to be gay, perhaps I need to put my money where my mouth is.  I guess that I’m afraid that it would be a waste of time and money.  I want something that will help me become straight.  It’s probably just a way to manage my homosexual desires.  I fell like I’ve been doing that for most of my life so I’m not really interested in that.

I’d really like to hear from anybody who’s had any experience with this organization or have read this book.  I’m torn between trying to continue to fight this vs. giving into being gay.  I feel like it’s my duty to continue to fight with this.  I can’t convince myself how it different than someone fighting an addiction or some other harmful behavior.  How is it any different than if I had a really bad temper and occasionally got so bad that I beat my wife.  I love her and I don’t want to hurt her, but sometimes I just can’t help it.  Or how is it different than if I wanted to have sex with other women.  Obviously both of those things would be considered wrong of a husband to do to his wife.  So why is it being gay is any different.   Why are there not routes for me to change myself like there would be for the other things i just mentioned?

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The Bad Son

Well Father’s Day came and went and I have to admit I was probably a pain in the ass.  It had nothing to do with  Anginae or the kids.  They were great.  Anginae fixed my favorite breakfast (homemade sticky buns) and the kids got me a DVD (Talledaga Nights) and Anginae got me a Wii Fit.  We went to see my uncle and grandfather for lunch and then my stepfather came by later in the afternoon.  It was nice to see them all, but I wasn’t in the best of moods despite everyone’s best efforts.  So right there I already felt guilty for acting down for no good reason.

Father’s day didn’t really bug me because I didn’t see my father or because I’m not getting along with him.  I actually ok with that.  That’s how I want it right now.  I was down because I feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with him.  I feel like a shitty son because I’m happier not having him in my life at this point.  I can’t explain how big of a relief it is to not have to worry about having to deal with him and my step mother anymore.  When I get around them I’m a different person.  It’s very hard to explain but Anginae has witnessed me do it many times.  I get all uptight and worry about every move that I make.  I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized by them and if I somehow make a wrong move or say the wrong thing I’ll get called on it by my father later on.  I feel that way because it happened to me many times growing up.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to feel comfortable being who I am (not talking at all about the gay thing here) and be around the family I love without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.  My father and step mother have always tried to make me feel I was betraying them by having a relationship with my mother and my grandparents (my dad’s parents).  Despite all this I feel like I’m a really bad son because I want nothing to do with my father.  I know he can been a real jerk-ass to me and especially Anginae, but I feel that a son shouldn’t be happy about not having a relationship with his father.

Of course I wish I could have a relationship with my father, but not on his terms and with him treating me the way he has all these years.  I’m not happy with the way things are, but I can’t change them.  I love him and I want him to be happy.  But I want him to be happy with us not having a relationship.  I’m happy with that, I just wish he could as well.

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Gay: Choice or not a choice? Can being gay be cured or not? Is being gay normal or not normal?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself many times, and I’m sure that many (or most) other gay men have asked themselves at some point. I still ask myself these things all the time. I haven’t come up with any answers yet either.

The easiest one to come close to an firm answer is whether I chose to be gay or not. The answer is absolutely, positively no. I’m sure I’ve made it quite clear, that if I could make being gay go away, and make myself 100% straight, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t say whether I believe if I was either born this way or whether me being gay is a factor of my environment. I would not consider myself a victim of sexual abuse by any stretch, but there was one minor occurrence that happened to me when I was about 4 or 5. I was at the babysitters house. She had a couple of kids and some friends or relatives of some of her kids were occasionally there. Early one morning, a kid (I think he was a nephew or cousin) was there for some reason. I recall him exposing himself and making me scratch his dick and balls. He said if I didn’t do it he’d make me put his dick in my mouth. This memory is pretty fuzzy, and I only recall it happening one time. I don’t remember being traumatized or very upset. I think he was a young teenage kid and some of the older kids there would pick on me some, so I just kinda lumped it in with being picked on. I knew nothing of sex, and I was afraid if I put his dick in my mouth, he would pee in it just to be mean. Later on, as I got older, I for some reason wished I had tried letting him put his dick in my mouth.  What’s even sadder is as I was older and thought about sex with guys, I would try to recall the memory sometimes just to get off.  A couple of years later, I remember playing “strip” with my twin cousins. It was just some little kids being curious about their bodies, but I recall asking my male cousin if I could put is dick in my mouth. He said no. I’ve often wondered if these events are what made me gay, or are they just events in my younger life that point to me being gay. Plus add in my emotionally messed childhood with my parents divorcing; it sometimes makes me wonder if all these things combined conspired to make me a homo.

I know I sure as hell didn’t choose to be gay, but was I made that way and if so why can’t I be “cured”.  I can’t say that I was born gay.  I wish I could, but too many things happened in my upbringing that may have messed me up.  Did all those events combined may have made me gay?  So if I didn’t choose to be gay, but its more just a condition of my upbringing why can’t I get help to get over it?  Lots of people see a therapist of some sort to help undo things that have happened in the past.  Sometimes people even get medication to help them with these problems.  So why is it that no one has tried to come up with a pill to cure being gay?

Why is it that being gay is treated differently than some other sexually deviant activity.  A pedophile will seek counseling to help them with their problem.  Now I am not in any way equating pedophilia with being gay, just using it as an unacceptable attraction.  I’m sure someone who is sexually attracted to children wishes they weren’t.  If they are smart, they seek counseling to help them deal with this issue.  I’m sure there are many ways to treat this.  So why is it that treating homosexuality is any different.

It seems the only way to get over being gay is to go to some down some religious fanatical route or find some off the wall therapist who’s no where near where I am.  I don’t believe in god, so I think the challenge of finding God and having the faith to fight being Gay all at the same time ain’t gonna happen.  And I don’t believe I have the time or money to try fly off to Switzerland to try some radical new therapy.

Why is being gay treated so different than any other addiction or deviant sexual practice.  Being gay is not normal (and I mean that by the literal definition of normal) so why aren’t there more traditional and acceptable means of getting over it.  Why is it I have to look for something radical to try and overcome this?  I don’t want to fight the craving to be with a man, I want it to go away.  That may never happen I guess.

My mind works in strange ways sometimes.  I’m not in any way trying to say that I think gay people or bad or should be cured.  This is just how I think of myself.  I don’t really like myself, and being gay is just part of that.  I don’t want it.  Dealing with it sucks.   I don’t want to accept it but I’m afraid I’m going to have to.  I don’t want to fight the urge and desire to be with a man the rest of my life.  I want it to go away.  Maybe someday someone mankind will develop the knowledge to get rid of being gay.  NASA sent a man to the moon, now if they can just start working on a pill for me next.

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Communication

I’ve been communicating poorly lately. Both in my blog and in life. I’ve been pretty busy lately with the new job and all. When I get home at night I usually help Anginae with the kids, get them in bed and sit around for a little bit. When I do get online, I usually seem to be chatting with Nate, which doesn’t give me much other time for blogging (I can’t chat and blog at the same time!). I enjoy chatting with Nate. He’s become a good friend and Anginae likes him as well. She doesn’t really mind when I talk to him, but sometimes she feels I’d rather talk to him than her. I’m sure at times it’s not the most thoughtful thing to do. I’m gone all day, come home, have a hectic couple hours with the kids, then sit down with my computer in front of me. I don’t exactly run back to another room or anything. We usually sit together on the couch, her with her Mac, I with my Dell. But my attention is divided between the computer and her. I try to be understanding but I’m not very at times.

Part of what bothers her is she feels I communicate my feelings better to someone else than to her. That may be true a bit, but part of it is I feel that to talk about my struggles with being gay is whining to her. It seems selfish of me to talk about my problems when I’ve caused a much bigger ones for her. It’s hard to talk about things that may be hurtful to her. I’m not trying to hide things from her or be secretive. I want and am trying to be as open about this with her as much as possible.

I will try and do a better job of talking with her about things, even if they are unpleasant. It’s the only way we can get through this. It may not always be easy, but keeping things from her is what got me into this in the first place. Plus I will try and do a little better blogging. I enjoy it. It’s sort of part blog, part journal, part open letter to Anginae. I don’t know why, but I can communicate things better in this form to her. It’s not so much that I’m afraid to say it in front of her, but I can seem to articulate what I’m thinking and feeling here. Oh, well. I guess blogging is better than not saying anything at all.

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