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Archive for August, 2008

There Is A Difference

How is me wanting to be with a guy any different than me wanting to be with another woman, other than the obvious difference there. I mean, how is my open desire with my wife to be with a man any different than if I told her I wanted to be with a woman? Well I guess it won’t shock anyone to know that I think it is. Now before you dismiss me as being full of shit (because I’m almost inclined to do that myself) let me explain a bit.

If I desired to be with another woman, that would somehow mean that there is some sort of shortcoming or problem that I have with the woman that I have. That of course is not the case with me. If a man cheats on his wife with another woman, something is broken somehow in the relationship. Whatever it may be, something is not right between the couple. I don’t feel that is the case between Anginae and me. I came out to her because I could no longer hide that I was gay, and yes that includes my desire to be with a man. This desire did not get stronger because I was growing unhappy or unfulfilled by her, but the desire was not going away with time, and in fact was getting stronger. So my choices could have been to continue to hide and hope is subsides, or go further than I already had and cheat on her. I think I made the right choice by telling her.

Anginae and I have two main choices in front of us, stay together or divorce. She does not want to leave me or want me to leave her. I can’t and won’t try to change her opinion. I want her to be happy and if that meant finding a straight guy to be with then I want that for her. I don’t want her to leave my life or move on from her. If you feel that she’s afraid to move on with her life well that’s your opinion. She’s had her visions of her entire future turned upside down and I’m not gonna tell her how she’s supposed to move on from that. If she says she wants me here for that then I will be. I’ve told her basically what I want. She could say get the hell out, no fucking way, or she could take the approach she is taking. I’m not forcing this decision on her. I’ve tried to express my desires to her the best I can and she is making this decision. The approach we may be taking is not that different that Chis at My Journey Out.  No, I’m not moving off to Europe to find a boyfriend half my age, but he and his wife are still married.  She does not want to find a new man/husband and he sees no reason to divorce her.  It’s not a perfect solution but one that for them, at least for now, works.

I don’t know how this chapter we are starting is going to end.  I can say for 100% certainty that I don’t want it to end with our relationship ending.  I’m trying to be as honest with her as I can.  I’m not a guy who has been confused with his sexuality all these years and finally realizes he’s gay.  I’ve know for a long time and it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time.  I’m doing my best not to pull Anginae along too fast.  It’s hard but I’m trying.

I’m sorry if I’m letting all of you down by considering meeting a guy.  I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways.  I’m proud of the fact that so far I’ve pretty much been faithful in my marriage.  Things have changed now.  We could get divorced or stay together.  I want her to stay in my life and she still wants me.  Just because I want to meet another man doesn’t me she has to want to.  Getting divorced won’t make me want to be with another man more than I do right now and if she doesn’t want to find one for herself, I don’t see the reason to get one.

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Those are pretty much the exact works of Anginae the other night. These words from the same woman who the other day said that she’s tired of me being gay. I wish she cold make up her damn mind (just kidding).

Sad thing is that she is probably right. I’ve been in a bit of a funk most of last week. It was a damn busy week at work and I was tired, but her last couple of posts just got to me a bit. Plus all of the comments I have received got to me a little as well. Don’t get me wrong. I love and really appreciate all of the comments that I get, so please don’t stop, and I am no way griping about what Anginae posted. It’s her blog and she needs to write whatever she is feeling. I didn’t react to it, but it’s hard to see her be down and it not affect me.

I’ve had some long, thoughtful comments to some of my recent posts and so has Anginae.  Eric especially has had many good points.  I’m really a bit at a loss for words at what to say about all this.  I’m gay. I know it and I’m not gonna be able to change it and Anginae is not asking me to change it either.  So we’ve gotta figure out how to deal with it.  It may take a while for the exact right answer to show itself, but we are trying to work on one that will suit us for now

In a way I’m really trying to select from the lesser of bad options.  The one ideal choice, stop being gay, is unfortunately not an option.  So I gotta figure out how to be gay now.  I can’t go back in the closet either really.  I’ve let that genie out of the bottle and it can’t go back in.  I’m gay and I want some sort of relationship with a man.  So what do I do about that.  There are no really good options really.

I am not forcing Anginae into our current relationship.  If she felt she could be happier by finding another man then I would do my best to support that.  I’m not trying to keep her around for cover and make myself look straight.  She says she has no desire to find another man, she only wants me.  I don’t see any reason for her to be lying about that.  I’m not looking to get rid of her.  I did not come out to her because I was unhappy with her.  I came out to her because I could no longer hide my desire to be with a man from her.  Many people suggest we should get a divorce.  At this point, I don’t see how that would solve any problems for us.  If she wanted to pursue another relationship, then that option might be on the table.

I don’t like the idea of being unfaithful to her.  There’s a reason I’ve never cheated on her.  I think it is wrong.  Things have changed a bit now.  I’m not doing this behind her back.  I’m not doing something we haven’t talked about.  If I decide to meet a guy, then she will be the first to know.  If it happens, it will be hard.  I don’t know how we will handle it.  I’m not going to lie to her and say that I don’t want meet a guy though.  I feel like shit for saying it, but I can’t deny it, but the other choices at this point don’t look any better than this.  We are trying to do this together, not just for the benefit of our kids, but for each other.  We both care about each other and I want her to be happy.  I’m trying to do my best to be gay and also make her as happy as I can.  She is offering to sacrifice a lot for my happiness.  I owe her a lot for that.

I wish I could change myself or what I want but I can’t.  Sometimes all of life’s choices aren’t ideal.  Exactly what we want is not always an option.  The old saying “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” is a bit of an understatement in this situation.  I’ve basically handed Anginae a pile of shit and now shes trying to deal with it the best she can.  It’s not what she wanted or asked for.   Hell it’s not what I wanted or asked for.  I hid the fact that I was gay when I met her, when I married her and now I’ve told her.  I lied and I can’t change that.  I’m not trying to undo the last 13 years together.  I’m trying to make choices now that work for both of us the best they can.  She’s right that I’m probably right that I’m more fun when I’m gay.  The last month or so since I’ve not tried to change myself, I have been a bit more at ease with myself.  I’m a bit happier not trying to wish something else of myself for one of the first times in my life.   Don’t get me wrong, I would make myself straight in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t, so I’m going to do the best I can at being gay.  That includes trying to be as honest with myself and with Anginae as I can.

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Ready?

If you’ve been reading Anginae’s blog lately you’ve noticed that perhaps I haven’t been the most considerate husband lately. I honestly don’t feel that I’ve spent every waking moment on the internet. I try to make sure I don’t let it interfere with spending time with the kids, and when I am chatting, I’m usually sitting on the couch right next to Anginae, not holed up in some dark room in the house by myself. I’ve tried to keep what I do in the open so it don’t appear to be hiding things from her, because I’m not trying to hide anything.

I knew when we agreed that perhaps I could try and meet a guy it would be really difficult for her. I told her that I would not try to go through the whole “I’m not gonna be gay” thing anymore every time me being gay gets to her. So far since then I have not. It’s been really hard not to and this week is one of those weeks where I feel like doing it. I’m not going to because I know that will lead to nowhere.

I can however rethink our agreement. I’m afraid that we just can’t handle it. The hurt, mistrust and jealousy it will create is to much. I just don’t think she’s ready for me to do something like this. I don’t know when she will be, but it’s not now. She said it herself, I’ve had most of my life to accept that I’m gay. She’s had about 10 months. I’ve known I wanted to be with a guy for a very long time, she has not. I guess I need to give her more time to see how she wants to deal with it. I know she is trying to do what will make me happy. If it’s difficult for her to handle me just chatting with some guys on the internet, I don’t think we can deal with me actually meeting someone.

I’m gonna try and cut back on chat quite a bit. I’m not gonna give up on chatting with guys like Nate and Paul but I may try and give up chatting with some of the guys I’ve met in the local chat rooms.  I’ve made nice friends with some of my fellow bloggers and that would be hard to give up.  Those types of chats are a bit safer.  Those guys are completely out of reach (and neither one of them are single!) so even though I would like to meet them sometime (as friends of course) I probably never will.  Chatting with guys not far from where I live is different.  If I start to really like talking to someone, the urge to meet them will be greater and of course much easier.  So rather than continue, I may just try and remove the temptation.  I haven’t done it yet, but I’m seriously considering it.

I’m not trying to be reactive to what Anginae says, but it’s hard just sit when you are hurting someone.  I’m not suggesting the impossible like stuffing myself completely back into the closet and kicking Anginea out.  I just probably need to stay in here with her by myself for a lot longer.

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No Hookups Please

Once again, thanks for all the comments to my last post.  I appreciate everyone’s concern for how I’m going about all this.  I completely agree that trying to meet guys online can be a tricky proposition, but I’m trying to take things very cautiously.  I don’t have my name or my pic (well not a recognizable pic) posted on there.  I don’t say where I live.  Just some pretty general stuff.  I indicate that I’m in a relationship, that I’ve just come out and that I’m looking for friends.  I’ve only chatted with a couple of guys so far really.  One guy was just there for friendly chat and he’s in a long term relationship.  The other guy seems pretty nice and so far understand that I’m taking a very slow approach.

Living here in the middle of Oklahoma I don’t really have any other idea how to go about meeting someone.  I’m not the most social kind of guy and I don’t know of any places where regular ole gay guys hang out.  I’m not a club/bar kinda guy so I don’t think that is for me and I don’t have any gay friends to help me meet someone.

I’m trying to be as careful about this as I can be.  I’m trying to keep Anginae involved in this as much as possible.  I’m not gonna repeat the mistake I made with Internet Guy.  I’d love any other suggestions my dear readers may have.

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Busy

It seems like it’s been a while since I last posted for some reason. It’s only been a week or so I guess which isn’t very long I guess. I’m kind of at a loss with where to take my writings at the moment. It’s not as though everything in life and in my head is perfectly straight (no pun intended). I have been a bit at peace with the whole situation. Peace isn’t the right word perhaps, but things have quited down a bit in my mind.

First of all things have been really busy here lately.   Anginae’s surgery, kids starting school and probably biggest of all, work.  Work is great.  I really like the job, my boss and the rest of the people I work with.  There is a lot to do and when you tack on my commute to it, it doesn’t offer a lot of spare time.  I’ve tried to help Anginae out around the house as much as I can the last few weeks so that has taken up a good part my spare time.  I’m not complaing, I just glad I am able to help her out some when I can.

Keeping busy has a way of occupying the mind.  It’s really surprising to me how after Anginae and I had our talk several weeks ago, things seemed to change for me almost immediately.  I still don’t know exactly how everything is gonna play out, but it seemed to settle the my issue of how to be married and be gay at the same time.  I know it was extremely difficult for Anginae to do what she did.  She could have easily said “you are married to me and as long as you are under this roof I won’t have anything to do with any other guy”.  I know she’s not excited about the prospect of me trying to make some real gay friends with the possibility it being something more.  I can’t say the thought of it always sounds right to me either.

I’ve created a profile on a gay personals and chat website.  I’ve chatted briefly a little bit with a couple of guys.  One guy seems pretty nice and seems to be patient with my situation.  I’m not taking it seriously at all and just taking my time to chat with some people and see where things go.  I really don’t know what to do beyond that.  If I ever wanted to me a guy I have no idea what to do.  I’m sure this may be a surprise to no one, but I’ve never asked anyone out in my entire life.  I know this is shocking, but I’ve only dated one person in my entire life and I’m married to her.  Plus she had to ask me out.  Thats it.  We dated a few years and then got married.  I have no clue how to ask a guy out or, god forbid, go out on a date.  I mean what the hell do you do on a date!  I know I’ll just be a horrible date so why do I even think it’s worth the bother.

I’ll just have to patiently keep waiting and see what happens.  I seem to say that a lot on here but that is really the best approach I think.   There’s no point in trying to take on change here rapidly.

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I’m a Hit In Georgia

Well not a big hit, but for a moment, I had a big following brewing in Georgia. It lasted about a day. Seems some guy who likes to post on Georgia Outdoor News Forum happened to Google the acronym NOYDB for some reason. You may recall that was the name of this recent post. Well this poor soul who I’m sure was not looking for anything gay, got my blog as the first hit. Try it for yourself, just Google NOYDB and see what the first hit is. I started this brief discussion on their forum.

I got a couple of dozen hits from this discussion, so not a ton really. I’m sure this blog is not their usual reading. I can’t help but laugh about his poor guy stumbling on here. He was probably just hoping to post his most recent success in huntin’ down some critter and he gets some homo’s blog. I think I need to try and subscribe to this forum and try to keep bumping this discussion thread so I can prop up my readership numbers.

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