Archive for September, 2008

I can’t wait for the election to be over this year.  One thing I’m having to adjust to now that I’ve switched jobs is the politics around the office.  You may recall I worked for my dad at my old job along with quite a few members of my family.  My grandfather, my dad and most of that side of my family are pretty big Democrats, some of the huge liberals.  Of course there was a fair share of hard core Republicans there as well, but it was a fair mix.  It’s Oklahoma, so conservatives outweigh liberals by quite a bit, especially in rural areas.  Where I work now me and one other guy (that I know of) are the only Democrats there.  I don’t know how liberal this other guy is, but he’s adamant he is not a Republican.

So now in pretty much all alone in a sea of hard core conservatism.  They all give me a pretty hard time about it, but it’s all fairly good natured.  There’s one guy I have to work with quite a bit who is about the most outspoken right-winger I’ve met in some time.  We don’t get in heated arguments about things.  He likes to spew his opinion, I just kinda sit and listen.  I’m sure it’s not hard to believe, but I’m not the most self confident in my beliefs.  In part because sometimes I’m not so sure what I believe in myself.   I’m not a hard core Democrat or a flaming liberal.  I’ve even considered changing my party affiliation to Independent cause I’m sick of party politics.  I have a weird set of politics anyway.  I lean pro-life, anti-death penalty, pro gun rights, anti-war, etc, etc.  I of course feel very strongly in gay rights but not in the traditional way that some do.  I just have opinions that fall on both sides of the spectrum.

Sometimes I get very discouraged about how conservative everyone I work with is.   Many of them are of the being gay is wrong, it’s a sin, it’s gross, it’s wierd, gays are freaks range of beliefs.  I’m not planning on coming out to them or feel that it’s any of their damn business, but it is just hard to stop from wondering what  would happen if I came out at work.  I don’t know if I would get fired, or if it would become a situation that I would have to leave and I don’t really want to find out.  It’s frustrating to feel that the only way I can fit in at a job I really like and want to stay at is to make sure I don’t ever let anybody know exactly who I am.  It may be something I never have to worry about, but when you sit around and have to listen to people make  gay jokes, and then have to fake slight amusement at them it’s hard to not worry at all.  It’s just one more reason for me to make sure I continue to keep on living my hetero life and leave the gay in closet where it belongs.

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I Don’t Have Time to Be Gay

Here I am, sitting back in our bedroom, kids asleep on our bed.  Anginae is hosting a group of women from a local club (ladies only) she is chair of this year in our living room.  I got home after soccer practice, got the kids bathed, fed and ready for bed while I stayed holed up back here.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s much better back in here than out there.  Besides my son, I’m the only male in a house of about 25 women so I’m happy to be back here.

I’m drifting from the point here really.   Hiding from a bunch of women is not really what this post is about.  While tonight is a bit of an extreme case, it is an example of what life has become for us right now.  School has started and we have all become a bit consumed with all that goes along with it.  I’m still very busy at work and don’t ususally get home until early evening.  Anginae is now keeping herself busy with her club, church, dance and the kids school activities.  Our lives are very busy right now and I don’t really see any let up until after New Years when things tend to quiet down for a little while.  Such is the life of a parent with school age kids I guess.

I’m not really complaining.  Being busy makes the time fly.  Christmas and 2009 will be here and gone before I know it.   With everything going on, you’d think I’d have an easy time pushing aside being gay.  I wish that were the case.  No, it’s not getting me down more than usual or anything else like that, but it’s still there, ever present as it always seems to be.  I of course feel selfish and guilty for thinking of myself at times when I should be dealing with other things, but it’s not something I can get over really.

Me being gay just isn’t something we really have time to deal with right now. The world does not revolve around me, and no, I don’t want it to either.  I’ll just try and continue as best I can to be patient about how to be gay without ruining the lives of everyone around me.  By the way, the vagina-fest that was going on in my living room is now over so I’m able to finish this post while sitting on the living room couch.

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I’m Listening

I wanted to take a moment and apologize a bit to all my fellow readers who take the time time to leave me comments.  On most of the blogs that I read, the writer of the blog will actaully reply directly to comments left on a post.  I’ll admit that I’m very bad about doing that.  Please don’t let me give the impression that I don’t read or give any thoughts to what you all have to say.  The fact that other’s are out there keeping up with my story it sometimes a lot of motivation for me to keep going with this blog.  While I don’t typically repsond directly to comments, I often times write posts that try to sum up responses to comments that have been left for me.    I just hope my silence on all the comments you guys leave is seen as me ignoring them.  I really appreciate all of them and ask that you please continue to leave them.  I’ll try and do my best to keep blogging on a regular basis, but as Anginae recently posted, this fall is turning out to be a very busy one for us all.  I’ll do my best to keep posting, but don’t be suprised to see some long gaps between posts.  Once again I’m sorry to be a rude blogger and want you all to know how much I appreciate your readership.  Please keep reading and keep the comments coming.  Thanks again to you all.

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At It Again

I don’t know how to start this post.  I have a lot swimming around inside my brian these days and I’m not sure how to spit it all out.  First off, Anginae and I had a nice overnight weekend in the city while the kids stayed at grandparents.  Had nice dinner, movie, brunch and good hotel sex so it was a nice short getaway.

While me being gay doesn’t dominate our conversations, we manage to have open conversations about the situation frequently.   This sounds stupid, but I don’t really know where to go with being gay at this point.  I’m not sure what’s right or whats best for me and for everyone else.  I’m a bit lost in it all at the moment really.

We’ve talked of coming to an agreement about me possibly meeting someone, but that is a much eisier thing to say than to do, and I mean that for both of us.  I’m a little bit back to the figuring out how to be married and gay at the same time.  No, Anginae has not gone back on her word, but we both realize the challenges me doing that will bring.  It’s a very conflicting feeling.  I want to and don’t want to all at the same time.

I’m just so incredibly confused about all this.  I’m married, so how can I consider doing what I am doing.  It’s wrong and I know it.  I’ve chosen this life and it’s not fair to me to go about trying to change it.  I’m gay and I’m married to a woman.  Big fucking deal.  I made that choice and no one should have to pay the price for me to change my mind.   I do believe that me wanting to be with a man is different that if i went to Anginae and told her I wanted to be with another woman, but it’s still being unfaithful.  I don’t like it and it’s not fair for me to ask her to accept it.

So what do I do?  How do I be gay and be married.? I don’t know how to figure it out.  I don’t want it to drive me crazy figuring it out.  I want to give up everything that connects me to being gay.  This blog, chatting online, everything.  It’s just a reminder of something I shouldn’t be doing.  You know what, I don’t want to be gay.  I fucking hate it and sometimes it just really pisses me off that it had to fucking happen to me.  I know it’s a pretty minor thing in the grand scheme of things when compared to what other shit people have to put up with, still it really sucks.  I’m tired of my body being programmed to want something that I’m not supposed to have.

Sorry to whine about all this again.  I’m not trying to pull my “I’m not gonna be gay” bullshit again, but it just gets to me at times.  I go out and have a nice time with Anginae and sometimes i just get pissed off that I’ve gotta do this to her.  I enjoy being with her.  It’s just terribly frustrating that my love for her is not enough to make me straight; that her love is not enough to convince me that being with a man will give me nothing.  I wish I knew a way to convince myself of that.  I wish that my desire to be with a man is really, dare I say need to be with a man, is just a load of shit.  Please dear readers, please smack me hard enough to get that through my thick head.

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I’m So Vain…

…I probably think this post is about me.

I’ve never been a person who is every really been wrapped up in my appearance. I’ve always wanted to look good, but never have really taken the time to try. In part because I’ve never really been that impressed with my body or anything so it’s kinda like why bother. I don’t exactly have a great sense of style either. I’m kind of a dork and I tend to dress like one. I’m also a bit boring so I pretty much always get my hair cut the same way, wear the same style of clothes, blah, blah blah. You get the idea. I’m a predictable, run of the mill, boring straight (acting) guy. I’m not a slob or real dog, but I’m nothing really to get excited over.

Since I came out to Anginea, I’ve started to pay a bit more attention to how I look. There are multiple reasons. The main one is not that I’m trying to prep myself to go man hunting. I can’t deny that has nothing to do with it. If I ever meet a guy, I want him to think I’m attractive, but it’s way down on the list of reasons. I believe the primary reason is I want to finally like the way I look a little bit.  I doubt I’ll ever get it where I’ll be completely happy with it, but maybe I can make a little headway.  I don’t like my body, never have, but hopefully someday I will. That’s a big reason why I have finally stared working out. I’m not in great shape now by any means, but after several months of on somewhat consistent exercise I’ve started to notice a tiny difference.

Anginae is slowly working on my wardrobe.  She’s always hated the way I dress so I’m starting to try and listen to her a bit.  I like to shop for new clothes.  I really wish I could have a new wardrobe and have nice clothes.  Problem is I’m too cheap.  I feel guilty spending money on clothes.  We went shopping recently and made another small dent in trying to update some of what I own.  Perhaps I’m so far behind it may be a long and costly proposition.  I’ve also started to do a little bit more with my hair (don’t get excited Nate, you still won’t like it!).  I don’t get it cut much different than before, but I’ve started to use a little gel in it and so far I’m happy with how it looks.

So I’ve got exercise, hair and clothes down, lets see what other vain thing could i possibly do.  Hmmm, let’s see, it’s gotta be something really gay.  I know!  I’ll start shaving balls!  I hate to admit it but that’s exactly what I’ve started doing recently (plus a little extra trimming work down there).  I didn’t shave the whole nine yards, but I did enough.  So far, I’m surprisingly pleased with the results.  Anginae is not completely innocent in this since she didn’t exactly try to talk me outta doing it either (pluse I believe she is pleased with the results as well).

I’m not sure what is next, but I’m too cheap and too big a chicken try anything more drastic than I already have.  I’m really not trying to gay myself up.  I just wanna be happier with my physical apperance is all.  As much as you may be rolling your eyes it this, it really is mainly for my own benifit.  There’s lots of things about myself I don’t like.  Right now, this seems to be one of the easier, and longest standing ones to work on.

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