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Archive for October, 2008

Well I guess I was due for one of my minor meltdowns.  I have not been getting online for weeks and I came very close to deleting this blog and close my email account.  Regular readers of this blog should be used to it by now.  It’s been a little while since I’ve done this, and I’m sure this one won’t be the last either.  I guess the word meltdown isn’t really the right way to put it.  I think calling it a funk is a better way to put it.  I’ve been pretty closed off for the last couple of weeks; not affectionate or talkative.  I don’t know what causes it exactly, but this time it was a combination of things.  Work was getting to me for a little while but is better for the time being.  I like the job a lot, but I put a lot of expectations on myself and I don’t want to fall short and I often feel that I do.  Also things with my dad never seem to go completely away.

As usual that wasn’t what was getting to me the most.  I don’t know if it really had anything specifically to do with it being one year since coming out to Anginae.  I think it was more just a combination of not talking about things and keeping it to myself.  Keeping things inside always has a way of getting to you over time.  I always feel selfish talking about it, especially when times are so busy.  With all that is going on in our lives, worrying about being gay is not the top of the priority list, at least it should not be.  I don’t want to burden Anginae with it when she has so many other things to worry about.  This is not something she has ever said, it’s just how I feel.

Oh well, I’m still on here for now.  Until I go through all this again.  I don’t know when but I’m sure I will.  One of these days I’m sure I wipe this whole blog out.  At least that would spare you all from my annoying loop I seem to be in at times.

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One Year Ago

October 14, 2007.  I still don’t know exactly what made me tell Anginae.  The bigger mystery is how I brought myself to do it.  I don’t know how I made the words come out of my mouth.  I look back at the whole experience of sitting on the couch late on a  Sunday night and uttering one simple phrase, “I’m gay”, and the power it has to destroy lives.  It was selfish and it was foolish.

I regret saying it.  I wish I could take it back.  I can’t and I wont pretend that I can, so I have to deal with it now.  Telling Anginae has served no real purpose; it hasn’t advanced or improved my life or my families life.  It wasn’t fair for me to tell her this.  I’ve just got to work hard to honor a commitment to be the person I was before I told her.  I know it’s not easy but I’ll keep trying.

It will all be fine in time, there is no other choice.  I’m trying to get things back to normal as much as possible the way they were before 10/14/07.  I’m sure they will never be exactly the same, but I will try my best.  I know I have changed some and so has Anginae, but life must go on.  Hopefully the longer it goes the more I will forget about it.

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Distant

I haven’t been the most loving and open person lately, and if you read Anginae’s blog, you can see that it’s getting to her.  I’m not very talkative, don’t have much desire to have sex and just not a real blast to be around in general (am I ever?).  It’s no one thing really and it has nothing to do with her.  Just a lot going on at the moment and I’m just not feeling very affectionate and open about things right now.  I don’t have any good reason for acting this way other than it’s just how I react to stress sometimes.  When things get to Anginae, she tends to want more affection and understanding.  I tend to go the opposite way when things get to me and I kind of clam up my feelings.  Not always but in this case that’s the mood I seem to be in.

It’s it’s a combination of work, extracaricular activities, my dad and a particular date coming up.  I would have to say that work has been weighing on me the most lately.  I like my job quite a lot, but some projects crept up on me and I’ve gotten behind.  I rightfully got straightened out by my boss and I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get out of the whole I had gotten myself in.  It’s getting a little better, but I’ve got to do a better job not to let it happen again.  My dad has crept into my life a little again.  Nothing serious really, and I’ve had no direct contact with him, but as long as he is my father, he will always be an issue that never quite goes away.  Also, I’ve recently gotten myself into coaching my sons little leage soccer team.  I’m  not at all the athletic or coaching type by any means so I’m not very comfortable with the whole idea of what I’m doing.   The kids haven’t won many games (no thanks to me) but they seem to be having fun.  I’m glad they seem to enjoy it but I will be glad when it’s all over in a few weeks.  Last but not least is one year is coming up.  I don’t have a lot to say about that right now, in part because I really don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t know when I’ll get out of this mood.  I don’t really know all that is causing me to feel this way.  I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass or act like a loveless jerk to Anginae.  I just don’t seem to be very good a being a caring loving husband right now.  I wish I had a better reason and could make myself get over it.  Like many things, it probably will in time.

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A little over a year ago, somehow the wheels had been set into motion for me to come out to Anginae.  I don’t know exactly when, but i had already started chatting some with Dawg.  We had not yet started to talk about me coming out.  Our chat’s were somewhat brief and lighthearted; nothing serious really.  I wish I could think back and remember clearly how it all turned from just mindless chatting to something much bigger.  Things were still pretty much normal as they always had been.  Work, family, work, family day in, day out; the life of most married parents of two.  I was not unhappy really, but I was hiding a big secret.  One that I had held onto for most of my life.  The thought of coming out to Anginae had not really entered my mind but it was going to shortly.  Very soon things were going to change, and in a way that I could never have before imagined.

I’ve been thinking about things going on a year ago lately and what was going through my mind at the time.  The first two weeks of last October were to become a silent turmoil for me.  I don’t know how I was able to hide it all from Anginae so well.  I’m in an odd mood about all this right now.  I don’t know exactly how I feel about being gay at the moment.  I don’t know how I’m going to accept it, how I’m going to live with it and what it will wind up doing to me.  I don’t know how to get over wanting a relationship with a man and what I will do if I don’t get over it.   Sorry to keep droning on about the same damn thing, but I’m just in a reflective mood at the moment, and probably will be for the next few weeks.

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