Archive for November, 2008


Happy Thanksgiving and sorry for the long gap in posts.  As usual its a busy time with work, family and other stuff.  Truth be told some of my spare time has been spent chatting online (with Nate mostly) or watching movies on our new Dish Network HD system.

Not much to report really since the last post.  So much of what is going is just the everyday average normal stuff that its not too really exciting.  Had a good Thanksgiving today.  Saw most all my immediate family and had to stuff myself for two meals (had to come home and pop down some Tums).  Didn’t have to worry or deal with my dad at all so that was a bonus.  It was our oldest’s birthday today so that was nice as well although I feel for him when it falls on Thanksgiving since I think it takes away from it being his day but he didn’t seem to mind to much surprisingly.  Wife and I are going on a little holiday weekend getaway.  It’s just gonna be the two of us and I’m really looking forward to it.  We did it last year for a business trip of mine and this year there is no work so I’m sure it will be a nice relaxing time.

I know I whine and gripe a lot on here.  It’s my blog and thats what it can be an outlet for, but I know I have it pretty good.  Just comparing myself to other guys in my situation I know I have it lucky.  If Anginea had taken this muck differently I don’t think I could have happy Thanksgivings like this so easily.  I still have my family, a good job and my health so I don’t have much to bitch about really.  Being gay is an important part of who I am really, but it’s certainly not the most important part so that will figure itself out in time.  I just have to be careful no to make it the most important thing in my life and remember what is.

Thanks again to all you reading out there.  It’s all of you (I know there aren’t a lot of you) reading and keeping up with my story and responding to how things go that make me keep this blog going.  Yes it is a good outlet for putting down my feelings, but knowing others out there take a moment to care means a lot to me.

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One More Thing

Sorry to continue on my previous post, but I have just a couple of more things to say after some of the comments I recieved on my last post.

I tend to view this issue from two points of view.  One is the as an American and the role of our government in society.  The other is as a pretty much closeted gay man.  As I get older I seem to be devloping a libertarian streak within me.  I primarily see the role of our government as providing a secure country with the necessary infrastructure for society to function.   Just as important is to protect the rights and liberties of all citizens.  Government does a damn good job of fucking up the first job that I mentioned.  If the government gets into the job of deciding what makes a family and what does not, then they are sure to fuck that up as well.  Defend the country, build roads and schools, tax and spend wisely.   Stay outta my home, and everybody else home.  Let people choose to worship whatever or whomever they want so long as they do not infringe on my rights or my neighbors rights.   Don’t tell my gay friends that because they do not fit into the mold of the majority of Americans that their relationships don’t count the same.

On a personal level, such laws that are passed do not affect me greatly.  I have not plans to marry a man and don’t ever see that happening.  Yes I want to meet a man and have some sort of relationship with one, but getting married again is not of interest to me.  But of the few gay people I do know, most of them are in long term committed relationships.  No one has the right to tell them that their marriages are less valid than my own.

Sorry to bring this up again.  I know most people who read this blog have had their fill of this discussion, but it will go on until things change.

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Why Do I Care

So the big gay news this week was that Prop 8 in California passed along with two other state constitutional amendments to ban gay marriage.  I can’t say why exactly that the passage of these questions bothers me so much but they do.  Oklahoma passed one overwhelmingly several years back before it became the “in” thing for states to do.  I have no plans or real desire to marry a man so why do I really care?

I guess the main reason it bugs me so much is that it just proves that when it comes right down to it, most Americans don’t believe that homosexuals deserve to be treated the same as heterosexuals.  Most people just can’t completely allow themselves to believe that it’s not a choice; that there is still some threat to fear by allowing gays to live their lives like straight people do.  It’s the reason that people like me stay in the closet and fight the fact of being gay and will continue to do so until more people begin to accept being gay as something that cannot be changed. I’m not gonna go into the litany of reason’s why I disagree with all these laws; if your reading this blog, you probably feel pretty much the same way as I do.

How some believe they have the right to say that couples like my good friends Nate and Ace have a marriage that is somehow not as good or worthy as a straight couples.  These to men love each other and have chosen to spend their lives together for better or worse.  Why they don’t deserve to be recognized in the same way Anginae and I are is in my belief a violation of their rights.

I know I’m in the minority on how I feel about this.  Millions of Americans around the country have proven that fact to me.  As long as this attitude around the country continues, many men like myself will make the same choice I did to try and hide who they really are.  The sad thing is many of them won’t be as lucky as I have been.

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Writer’s Block

Once again sorry for long gap between posts.  Just busy with life on top of a small case of writers block.  I’ve got no shortage of things to blog about, just not clear how I want to lay out my thoughts right now.  I’m pretty much outta my funk now, but things are so hectic around here it’s hard really have a clear mind about anything.  The days are filled with work, driving to and from work, try to help Anginae around the house the best I can and see the kids a little before bed.  By then we both just kinda crash on the couch or try to do a few things around the house before we go to bed .  This week Anginae has had a cold and now she has a stomach virus.  On top of that, I’ve now got the cold along with our daughter.  We had Halloween and 2 more soccer games to get through, then birthdays, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas.   Like many people, it’s gonna be nonstop until after the beginning of the new year.  Last but not least, work is going to be busier than ever to close the year out.

I’d like to blog some about the mood I was in for a few weeks but I just can’t seem to put it into words right now.  It all really boils down to a feeling of trying to be something I was instead of who I am.  I don’t know a better way to put it into words.  Being married and a father of two is something I was and still am today.  I’m not wanting to change that.  But I’m also gay and have pretty much known about my strong attraction to men for almost 20 years.  Accepting that means I may change some and not be the same person that I was before.  To accept that means I have to admit (and accept) the fact that I desire to have some sort of relationship with a man.  It’s not an ideal thing to admit for a marriage but I didn’t come out because I was unhappy with Anginea or unhappy with our marriage.  I was unhappy denying myself of being who I am.  Its not about being unhappy with with what I have in my life but more with what I do not have.  It’s going to take time to figure out how to be who I am and I’m trying to be as patient about it as I possibly can.  It all gets back to this:  how to be married and be gay.

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