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Archive for February, 2009

The Sky Is Falling?

My boss, myself and a couple of other coworkers were having a conversation late one evening last week about work, jobs and the economy in general.  My boss and one of the other guys there are quite conservative and therefore very critical of the upcoming stimulus package.  I find myself becoming more of a fiscal conservative and also don’t feel that the stimulus plan is the right way to go, at least in the form it was passed.  My main worry, regardless of how the money is spent, is when we get done bailing out various industries, who’s gonna be the one to bail out the U.S. Government when it goes bankrupt from the trillions of dollars in debt we are racking up?

On the drive home it really got me to thinking.  I don’t like to consider myself as being naive, but I do feel that as usual, the economy will get back on track although it may be a tough road for some.  What if it does not?  I mean there’s nothing stopping the whole thing from collapsing and sending us into a deep depression.  I mean who’s to say we haven’t really fucked ourselves over for good this time with our reckless ways and we really pay for it this time.

One of the questions posed by those in the discussion was “so if we fall into this deep depression, do we stock up on food or ammo?”.  His reply was ammo, or more likely both.  What worries me is if this really is such a far fetched idea.  History is riddled with societies that fall into chaos and I don’t know why the present day U.S. is not susceptible to the same fate.

Like most people, I am completely dependent on the conveniences of our modern society to provide all that I need.  I have not method to feed and protect my family without relying on someone else to provide it for me.  Yes, I go to work to earn the money to buy food and shelter and I pay my taxes to fund police, fire and military services to defend and protect me.  If you stop to think about it seriously, it’s a very discomforting feeling.  I don’t think it’s gonna happen, but I don’t believe it is such a far fetched idea as some people may want to believe.

I don’t wanna become some guy building a bomb shelter in my back yard and figuring out ways to fuel a generator with jars of saved urine, but I would like to make me and my family better prepared to endure me losing my job for long period of time or possibly worse.  I don’t own a gun and therefore have no way to defend my home, so I may break down and get one at some point.  I’ve never had any issues with gun ownership so it’s always been a matter of cost and desire why I don’t have one now.  I would also like to have a better supply of food and other goods here as well.  An ice storm that knocked power out for 4-5 days last year proved to me that if anything much worse were to ever happen we’d be screwd.

Right now I am not terribly worried.  My boss has reassured me more than once, that while things are slowing down, he brought me on to keep me as part of the long term future for the company.  He’s making plans for how to keep business going but I’ve also been part of discussions as to what will happen if it does not.  While I don’t think I’ll lose my job, I know it’s a possibility.  I like where I work a lot better than my old job, but the one thing I really miss is the job security.  Working for my father pretty much guaranteed a job for life (as long as I didn’t fuck up to bad).  I’ve given that up and now I’m in the real working world now, but I like who I see in the mirror better because of it.

I guess what I hope to get out of this is to possibly work towards living better within our means.  I’m not in a lot of debt and we don’t live paycheck to paycheck but we don’t put a lot back into savings.  I’d like to improve that but I’d also like to make sure I’m not completely off guard if something far more drastic occurs.  Sorry to go off on a nutty rant here, and don’t worry I’m not gonna become some whack job and join a militia.  There is not much hetero or gay about this post, but it’s part of my life and well I guess you are here to read about it.

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phelp1I’m sure I am not alone at all in thinking Michael Phelps is hot.  I guess his recent troubles really got me to thinking about writing this post.  I really feel kinda sorry for the guy.  I mean he’s just 23 and I’m sure has plenty of reasons to wanna let loose and party.  I’ll overlook the fact of how incredibly stupid it is to party and hit a bong when you have millions of dollars of endorsements riding on your ass, or at least do so with a group of people who may snap a pic of you doing it.

I’ve always had a thing for athletes in general, especially swimmers and wrestlers.  I don’t know why really.  I’m not athletic at all and I would never have a shot at a guy like that in a million years (never mind the fact I’m sure most of them are straight).  I particularly enjoyed the swimming (men’s of course) events at the olympics this year, but failed to catch any of the wrestling.  I like athletes more than the fact I think they are hot. I’ve always been envious or jealous of them in a way.  I wish I had the talent, skills and the body to be like them.  I know there is hard work and dedication that makes them what they are, but I also feel there is a good bit of genetics involved in it as well.

I don’t know what it is in particular that I think is so hot about Phelps.  I guess saying I have a crush is really an overstatment, but I just really like looking at this guy, in his speedo or whatever he may be wearing.  About the only other celebrity I can really remember liking so much was Mark Wahlberg back when I was in high school (he’s cute now, but no where near his Marky Mark days).  Anyway, this post gave me a good excuse to look for the picture I posted of him on here.  Speaking of that pic, it’s from the December issue of GQ in which he was one of their men of the year, and would you believe that I got a copy of that issue from Anginae for Christmas.

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My Point of View

As some of you know, I have an open invitation on my blog to chat with me online.  I’ve got my Yahoo email address listed and I’ve had the opportunity to chat with a number of people who read this blog.  Some of the people I’ve met through here have become pretty good friends.  Almost everyone I’ve chatted with is gay which makes sense because my blog is about me being gay and how it is impacting my life.

Recently though I received a chat request from a guy named James.  I accepted and naturally assumed I was going to be chatting someone who reads my blog and had a similar experience coming out.  I was soon surprised to learn he was straight.  Further investigation revealed that within the last year he had  separated from his wife after she told him she was a lesbian.  Recently he had been trying to convince his wife to read both mine and Anginae’s blog so she could see that coming out to your spouse does not immediately lead to divorce.  He is deeply in love with his wife and desperately wants her to come back to him.  I wish I had something positive that I could say to him with regards to their marriage.  A marriage is a two way street and if one person want’s out, I don’t think it can reasonably kept together.

I’m more than happy to talk to James.  He’s a very nice guy and I wish there was some advice I could give to him that would help him feel a little better.  I guess the biggest piece of advice I can give to him is not to look to other couples as examples to live up to or try to emulate what some other married couple is doing.  No two marriages are exactly alike and for someone to say to their spouse  “look how this couple is doing it” adds further pressure to be something he or she may not be.  I’ve done it many times to myself.  I sometimes hear from married men who are gay but have no desire to be with a man or  something to that effect.   That’s great and I wish I could honestly say the exact same thing…..oh man this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just feel that way, but I can’t and for whatever reason neither could James’ wife (although she’s gone much further with this than I have).   While I’ve never heard a word of her side of this, I’m sure in many ways she wanted nothing more than for her marriage to her husband to take away the desire to be with a woman (or did at one time at least) but despite her love for her husband it did not.

I have a great deal of sympathy for both of these people.  Coming out to a spouse is often times a no win situation for either person in the marriage, at least in the near term.   If I could give him some answers then maybe I could give some to myself.  I don’t want to leave Anginae like James’ wife chose to leave him.  That does not give me the answers that I need.  I don’t know how to choose between married life or being gay and right now Anginae does not seem to be asking me to make that choice.  She is a part of my life that I never want to give up.  I also no longer want to fight being gay; it is a tiresome fight and I don’t want to do it anymore.   I don’t know how being gay will fit into my life, but I feel that at some point I will need to know what being with a man is like.  I don’t know how long it will be before that happens but right now I can’t give up on that thought.   I genuinely hope that need or desire goes away at some point, but it’s been there for nearly 20 years and has never left me, so I don’t hold out much hope that it ever will.

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