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Archive for September, 2009

Art Imitates Life

“OMG!…..you’re Will and Grace!”   So says our adorably cute waiter at very gay restaurant on our trip in San Diego after we let him in on our little secret.

Believe me, Anginae and I have both made joking comparisons of ourselves to Will and Grace.  Some obvious comparisons hold true, while others are way off.  We are married, have kids and don’t have a Jack and Karen (although Nate and Paul could fit the bill).  However, I am gay, she is straight and we are the best of friends that are there to support each other in this journey of ours.

Now that Anginae has posted about it, I feel that I can now openly talk about her boyfriend. She met her BF almost the exact same time I met and started seeing Rub. It started off as just an affair for both of them and it was never intended for it to become serious. Now they are both in love and trying to figure out how to deal with it. As she mentioned, his situation is complicated and they are not able to spend the time together that either of them would like. Although I’ve never met the guy, I really like him. Most of all, I am happy the way he makes Anginae feel. I enjoy seeing how happy she gets when she gets to spend time with him. I’m not hurt at all that she’s fallen in love with another guy. I’m confident how she feels about me and that makes a world of difference in all this; in fact, I feel a bad sometimes that I’m not bothered by it. There are issues yet for each of them to figure out, but I know they both want to deal with them and I hope for nothing more that they both find happiness with their relationship.

So back now back to where I started. Like I said, there are tons of differences between Anginae & me vs. Will & Grace, but what we do have in common is that we are the best of friends and always will be. We are in love, and yes we have taken that friendship a couple of steps further than the fictional couple did, but it is still much the same. We are there to support in other in the new relationships we are forming all the while trying to be careful not to forget about the other in the process. Our life is no where near as exciting as theirs, but we have a lot more excitement in our lives than most average folk! I trust completely how she feels about me I and I believe she trusts completely how I feel about her as well. It’s not something either one of us ever try and take for granted and I hope that I do my best to let her know that I need her more than anyone in my life. As my wife, and if not that then as my Grace.

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Accepting Myself

Statement #1:  I am gay.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a straight person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become straight and must resign myself to the fact that I am gay.

Statement #2:  I am anti-social.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a social person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become a social person and must resign myself to the fact that I am anti-social.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a self-loathing flavor of a post so I figured it was time to write one.

Try as I might, I can’t come up with a good difference between statements #1 and #2 above.  I’m pretty sure that most of you out there reading would not encourage me to go back to convincing myself I’m straight.  If so, then I can assume that most of you would encourage me to remain anti-social?   Go on, raise your hands….  The truth is I am pretty much anti-social when I sit down and think pretty hard about it.

Alright, so what’s brought this up exactly?  Well it’s kinda been brewing for a little while in me, but after returning from a Labor Day trip, it’s all kinda boiled over within me.  Anginae and I took a very nice trip to San Diego over Labor Day weekend.  We had a wonderful time and on two of the nights we were there, we went to a few of the local gay bars.  She had a great time as far as I can tell.  Try as I might, I just cannot get into the social scene of a bar, or anywhere else for that matter.  I didn’t have the nerve to go up and talk to a soul the whole time we were there, which frustrates the hell outta me.

I had always hoped the one of the side benefits of finally “coming out” would be that some of my social anxieties would disappear.  Apparently not.  I’m still the same ol’ guy that I was before all this, minus one little secret I’m no longer keeping.  Even the promise of complete anonymity, I couldn’t get the nerve to try and meet people.  First off, this is not a fear at all of people thinking or knowing I’m gay.  Matter of fact, the few times I’ve been in a gay bar, I kinda hope people get the hint that I am gay.  Every time I’ve been to one with Anginae, we leave our wedding rings behind (her idea) and she is just going with her as my friend.  No, this is all down to my every present social anxiety that for the life of me I have no idea how to get rid of.

Perhaps instead of trying to fight it, I should just give into it and accept it.  I mean how is it any different that being gay.  As far I as know, I was born gay, so how can I argue against the fact that I was just born shy?  While I just haven’t gone crazy and met every guy I possibly could, the very few that I have I’ve been extremely nervous and stressed out the whole time.   Right now I’m at the point of weighing the stress of wanting to meet someone versus giving up on it all together.   No, I’m not going back to being straight….I’m gay and I know it, but I may quit trying to actively go out and meet other guys.  I’ll just have to take the much tougher road and hope somebody tries to find me.  Long odds, but I just don’t know how much I’m up for the whole meeting people and dating thing.

If I look at my life outside of Anginae, there’s not really much of anybody else in it.  Sure I have friends at work and stuff, but that’s all we have in common…work.   If I’m not with hanging out with Anginae or our kids I’m usually alone and to be honest it does not bother me a whole lot.  If it were not for the fact that all those years ago she had the nerve to ask me out, then I would probably still be alone to this day, gay or straight.    Some people are just lonely quit types and I just may be that type.  Like other things in my life, I may just be better off accepting it rather than fight it.

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