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Archive for November, 2009

Looks Like When

Anginae signed the divorce petition Monday. We have decided to hold off on filing it until after the holidays are over but the decision has been made. We are not waiting because we are not ready but more because we don’t want to have to put up with telling everybody right now.

Anginae says that Monday was one of the happiest days she has had in a while. Knowing that put a smile on my face. The last two years together have not been difficult. Sure there have been some stressful times as we learned to cope with this, but now there is some closure to all of this. What would be the outcome of our marriage was always something there hanging over us. Now that we have come to this decision we can now more easily move forward. Sure there are going to be some sad and difficult moments ahead but we are not losing each other. This is just another step in the transformation of our relationship.

I’ll be honest. I am scared. This decision is going to cause many things to happen. First off will be telling my mom and stepdad. They are our only hope of parental support in all this. Anginae told her parents about the divorce an they are pissed to say the least. If they knew the full reason why it would be even worse. I of course don’t have my father to go to (and don’t want to) so I’m going to putting a lot of pressure on my mom to help us through this. I can’t help but feel she owes me this. There is working out the whole financial and living situation. Anginae is looking for more work and I will give her all the support I can. I think after the first of the year I will also start looking for a small place of my own closer to work. I’m conflicted as to whether to disclose to my boss why I am getting divorced. I know it seems like none of his business but it is a small company and I’d rather come clean instead of him somehow finding out. Finally there is a matter of my boyfriend. I like DMc a lot but I’m not sure he is up to the task of being with me right now. I don’t want to end it with him but I need a boyfriend that can be a support to me in all this. All I can do is hope he shares some of the same feelings I have for him, but if not I may have to make the tough decision and move on.

So this is it I guess. We are starting another chapter in our lives; one that I still can’t believe is happening. It is a mixture of many emotions ranging from sadness to excitement. The best part though is I will still have her in my life. I’m not losing her we are just settling into a different type of relationship. Despite how hard this is going to be, that thought alone makes a world of difference.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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