Archive for April, 2010

I Fell

But I did not hurt myself. I’ve fallen in love with Scooter. Fallen pretty hard in fact. I tried so hard for as long as I could to keep my emotions in check but I failed. I caved and gave into them. I don’t know why I try so hard to keep myself a closed off person. It took well over a year before I ever mustered the nerve to say those words to Anginae, although saying it (and knowing it) at age 16 is much different than at age 34.

Scooter said he basically fell for me at first site. Due to his relationship status at the time he didn’t quite know what to do about it. He officially ended his relationship with his ex just two weeks after we started seeing each other (they had been having problems for a long time). Scooter is doing his best to move on from his ex now and I can’t really ask him to do any more than he already has. He is still friends with his ex (they are still roommates….separate rooms!) and I trust him, although I’d be lying if I said I was never a little jealous, but thats mostly my insecurities talking.

I work so hard to keep myself guarded person. I don’t know why but I’m always very self conscious about ever letting someone see my emotions. I guess being the shy person that I am I’m always afraid of being judged or mocked for the way I feel. When I first met Scooter I thought he was a really nice cute guy that I thought could be a good friend. However, he was in a relationship (it was an open relationship…I know how those can go) and I did not want to be “that guy” so I initially didn’t really want to allow myself to have any strong feelings for him. Shortly after I met him I discovered all was not well with his relationship, and things quickly took off from there.

The more I allow myself to give into my feelings the more that I love him, and the more I fall for him the more scared I get. I don’t know why, but falling in love put you in a very vulnerable position. It’s not that I don’t trust him or don’t believe that he loves me, but my insecurities and jealously can sometimes get the best of me.
Scooter has told me that I’m “the one”. He’s always been out so he’s had a much longer time to figure out what that is. I hope he’s right. I don’t know what “the one” is for me, but I don’t know what else I’m looking for. He’s a loving, caring man that’s crazy about me, appreciates who I am and what I do. We are similar in a lot of ways but also different enough to make things interesting.

Between family time and work I try to find every moment I can to be with him. Scooter has met my kids and I’m hoping that things will get to where time with the kids includes him as well, much like Anginae has with Bark. To the kids he is just a friend, but I hope in the not to distant future, they know him as more that just a friend to me. All I can say is I love every moment I get to spend with him.

So there it is, I’m in love with another man. After all these years I can hardly believe it myself. With this comes so many emotions. Happiness most of all but definite moments of anxiety and fear. Anxiety for what is yet to come and fear that somehow I will manage to scare this one away as well. If I do this one will hurt so much more than the previous two. I never had any feelings for either of them that approach how I feel about Scooter. I hope this is it for me; I truly hope he is “the one” for me. As I said though I mostly feel happiness. So many things melt away for me when he holds me in his arms or when we are together, stress and other not so fun thoughts seem to simply go away. I don’t wanna lose this one, and I’m gonna do everything I can to hold onto this feeling.

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Well life goes on and I continue to be a very bad blogger. Sorry dear readers for such the long absence and I hope to do much better in the future. So much is going on right now; nothing bad really, things just vary from the mundane to the new and different.

I’ve been in my apartment a little over two months now and things are settled into a little bit of a routine. I come home several nights a week. Kids have spent a few weekends with me at my apartment and seem to enjoy getting to be with me. I’m busy with work as usual of course and have signed up to coach my sons soccer team again for the spring season (the parents talked me into it again). All in all everybody seems to be adjusting to the move ok. Anginae is adjusting to being at home most of the time on her own but her boyfriend Bark is there most every night. Bark and Anginae are quite serious and he and the kids all seem to be getting along very well. Despite the complications of their relationship, I’m very happy for her and wish them nothing but a life of happiness together.

Well now that I’ve been living the life of a gay bachelor, you may wonder what’s been going on there. Let me get you up to speed.

It didn’t take me long to get my apartment broken in. Back in January I thought I might be getting back with DMc. We went on a date or two and the night I moved in he came over and…well….I got lucky. As luck would have it that was the last I have seen of him. I texted him once or twice but I now see his immaturity and have happily moved on.

A couple of weeks later I met a couple of guys I had been chatting with on Manhunt. One night a guy came over late to my apartment for a drink. Not a thing happened but we sat up and talked until 3am. He was a nice guy and we’ve talked on line since then but I haven’t seen him since. Two nights later another guy came over to watch a movie. For the first time ever I had a guy put the moves on me. We didn’t quite finish the movie and lets just say I have my first ever one night stand. He was a really nice guy but I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually. He wasn’t bad looking at all but there just wasn’t something there. Anyway it was fun but I haven’t seen him since either. I still chat with him from time to time but again this is just another guy I would just like to have as a friend.

A couple weeks later (on Valentines Day of all days) I started chatting on Manhunt with another guy, lets call him Scooter. Scooter was very nice and was persistent about meeting me. Well I finally gave in and a few days later and had a nice friendly meeting at my apartment. I liked talking with him a lot but nothing but talk happened. Scooter came over the very next night, we talked a lot again but this time there was some cuddling involved. We saw each other just about every night that week and really liked being with each other.

Scooter really fell hard for me. Me being me, I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check. After a couple of weeks I finally gave in and we are now officially “boyfriends”. We’ve been seeing each other now about a month and a half and things are going great. I’ve given into my emotions further and have really fallen for him myself.

That’s the last couple of months in a nutshell. There is a lot more going on to blog about but sorry to say I’m not going to go into further details now and will save them for a later post.

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