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Where To Begin

It’s hard to believe my last post was almost four years ago….. May 31, 2010.

To say that my life has changed since I began this blog would be an understatement.  I am lucky to still have all the wonderful people in my life that I had when I stopped writing. I have lived a life I could never have imagined.

As for myself? Let’s just say I am still my own worst enemy.

I am going to keep this post short. It’s been so long I doubt any of my old readers will even see this. Still maybe someone will stumble onto my blog and find what I have to say worth reading.

Stay tuned……I may be back.

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Really?

It’s been a month since my last post?  Seriously?

Sorry everyone, I didn’t quite realize it had been so long.  To be fair, it’s been busier than hell for me around here.  Work is crazy, both kids have started school and both Anginae and I are heavily involved in some extracurricular activities for both our kids.  That pretty much has been 99% of our lives for the last month or so and that is quite honestly not much to blog about.  Who the hell here wants to hear about my hetero life?

As for my gay life, there have been a few dramas and goings on but not much really. I’ve been chatting with a handful of guys that I’ve “met” from my Craigslist ad I posted a while back and I have also been on Manhunt a little bit.  A few seem interesting and I have regular conversations with a few of them.  I guess the biggest thing to report is that I actually met and had dinner with a guy a couple of weeks ago.  The biggest thing about that is he is the first guy I have met since things ended with Rub.  I’ve only met him once and don’t know if I will meet him again, if I do it’s on a friendly basis.  He’s a nice guy and all, but I can’t see things going beyond friendship; I still chat with him online and I’m happy to do that.  I can’t really put my finger on why I don’t want anything more with this guy.  He’s nice and decent looking and all, but I guess sometimes you click with someone, and sometimes you don’t.  It actually bugged me for some reason I didn’t like him better than I did;  I haven’t been able to figure out why just yet but I’ll just go on looking.  I hoping to meet another guy I’ve been chatting with for a while soon, but nothing definite planned yet.

That’s all my gay news to report for now.  You can probably see why I haven’t posted in a while.  I’ve got other stuff to post that I’ve been meaning to for a long time, but I just can’t seem to cram blogging in with all the other crap going on.  Anyway, I”m still hear and haven’t gone anywhere and don’t plan on it.  I’ll try not to be a strange so much around here in the near future.

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Moving Right Along

One of my fellow readers was chastising me for not posting lately, so I apologize for the long gap in posts.   Really, since ending things with Rub, not a lot has happened.  I’ve talked with him very briefly a time or two.  He’s got a lot going on in his life right now, and from what little I can tell (spying on his Facebook page) things are going quite well between him and LK.  I’m really happy for him, I still just wish things had ended differently than they did.  He made a lot of assumptions how our relationship may go and never gave me a chance to talk about it or give me and Anginae time to figure this all out.  It’s his life and he really did not owe me any patience and I truly wish him nothing but the best.  I’ve come around to still wanting to be friends with him, but I think he’s been so busy lately, I haven’t been able to talk to him much.

I’ve started to look around at meeting guys again….online of course (did you think I was hangin’ out a bar?).    Tried posting a Craigslist and also using another gay dating site and so far there have been a couple of interesting guys.  Not met anyone in person yet but will do so if things seem right to do so.  I’m still taking things cautiously and will do everything I can to take things as slowly as possible if I do wind up meeting someone.  My experience with Rub was short lived, but I at least hope I learned a few lessons that I can take from it.

Well that’s my last couple of weeks in a nutshell.  Back to the same ol’, same ol’ for a little bit.  Again, I’m not going to go into details at all, but things are moving right along for Anginae in her relationship.  I’m perfectly happy for her, the only thing I ever worry about is her getting hurt.  I’ll try not to be away so long next time.  I still have many things I’d like to blog about…just to sort of put some things into words…so I will do my best to post more often.

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Catching Up

Hello blog, it’s been a little while.  Same old excuse really so you all know the drill by now.  Work, family (which includes baseball & t-ball right now), sleep and back to work.  Not complaining really.  I’ve got a good job that I like, I’m happy to be with my family when I can, and who does not like to sleep every now and then.  So as usual due to how busy I am, my blog and all my faithful readers are the ones to suffer.

I’ve had a little success with the Craigslist ad I posted a couple of times.  I’ve chatted with 2-3 pretty nice guys so far out of all the responses, and…hold on to your asses…..even called and talked to one guy on the phone.  It was a nice friendly (and short) conversation, but I’m sure I will be talking to him some more.  He seems like a very patient and understanding guy and I’ve enjoyed my chats with him so far.  I may post another ad and see if I get any more replies, but I probably won’t bother with Craigslist too much longer.

Anginae posted an ad as well and got some rather interesting responses.  She’s a little discouraged from it actually.   Even though she’s been pretty clear she’s not just looking for sex, some guys are hard to get the clue.  I guess some guys think the surest way to win a lady is the describe their cock to them (or better yet, send a pic of it).  I’ve told her that the best you can hope for one or two guys that are decent and worth talking to.  She’s just taking things slowly and seeing where it goes.

We are both being careful as possible about all this.  We are not keeping things from each other and being as open as possible about everything.  It’s not perfect and it’s not for everybody married couple but we are going to do what is best for us.

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kimiWell go to sleep everyone.  This is going to pretty much be a “who gives a shit” post for all of you I’m sure, but It’s my blog so kiss my ass.

I’m a huge Formula 1 fan and this weekend is the long awaited season opener.  Once again the season starts with the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne.  So far it looks like this season could get pretty interesting with a lot of new rule changes coming along.  Qualifying was early Saturday morning here in the US and so far that prediction is proving to be true.

I’m really hoping my guy Kimi Raikkonen (pic above) comes through this year.  He won the World Championship in 2007 but had a shitty year last year.  I’ve always been a fan a Kimi and it does not hurt that I’ve always thought he’s really hot.

Due to our stupid US congress moving daylights savings time up a couple of weeks, the season opener now starts after the beginning of DST which means the race won’t come on until Sunday at 12:30 AM CST instead of 11:30 PM on Saturday.  I’m gonna try and stay up to watch the start at least but I don’t think I’ll last until 3 AM or so when it will finish.

Enjoy!

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Object of My Desire

I’ve often thought there are two types of people in this world; some who want an iPhone and others who have an iPhone. I’m kidding of corse. I’ve been wanting one since they came out and I finally broke down and got one a couple of weeks ago. So far I’m pretty happy with it and it came in pretty handy on the ski trip.

It is a complete waste of money. I have carried a company issued cell phone for the last seven years and now I’m paying to talk and for the AT&T data plan that goes along with it. I don’t blow money on much else so I guess it ok to splurge some of my hard earned money. By the way, I am writing this post using the iPhone WordPress app.

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My Point of View

As some of you know, I have an open invitation on my blog to chat with me online.  I’ve got my Yahoo email address listed and I’ve had the opportunity to chat with a number of people who read this blog.  Some of the people I’ve met through here have become pretty good friends.  Almost everyone I’ve chatted with is gay which makes sense because my blog is about me being gay and how it is impacting my life.

Recently though I received a chat request from a guy named James.  I accepted and naturally assumed I was going to be chatting someone who reads my blog and had a similar experience coming out.  I was soon surprised to learn he was straight.  Further investigation revealed that within the last year he had  separated from his wife after she told him she was a lesbian.  Recently he had been trying to convince his wife to read both mine and Anginae’s blog so she could see that coming out to your spouse does not immediately lead to divorce.  He is deeply in love with his wife and desperately wants her to come back to him.  I wish I had something positive that I could say to him with regards to their marriage.  A marriage is a two way street and if one person want’s out, I don’t think it can reasonably kept together.

I’m more than happy to talk to James.  He’s a very nice guy and I wish there was some advice I could give to him that would help him feel a little better.  I guess the biggest piece of advice I can give to him is not to look to other couples as examples to live up to or try to emulate what some other married couple is doing.  No two marriages are exactly alike and for someone to say to their spouse  “look how this couple is doing it” adds further pressure to be something he or she may not be.  I’ve done it many times to myself.  I sometimes hear from married men who are gay but have no desire to be with a man or  something to that effect.   That’s great and I wish I could honestly say the exact same thing…..oh man this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just feel that way, but I can’t and for whatever reason neither could James’ wife (although she’s gone much further with this than I have).   While I’ve never heard a word of her side of this, I’m sure in many ways she wanted nothing more than for her marriage to her husband to take away the desire to be with a woman (or did at one time at least) but despite her love for her husband it did not.

I have a great deal of sympathy for both of these people.  Coming out to a spouse is often times a no win situation for either person in the marriage, at least in the near term.   If I could give him some answers then maybe I could give some to myself.  I don’t want to leave Anginae like James’ wife chose to leave him.  That does not give me the answers that I need.  I don’t know how to choose between married life or being gay and right now Anginae does not seem to be asking me to make that choice.  She is a part of my life that I never want to give up.  I also no longer want to fight being gay; it is a tiresome fight and I don’t want to do it anymore.   I don’t know how being gay will fit into my life, but I feel that at some point I will need to know what being with a man is like.  I don’t know how long it will be before that happens but right now I can’t give up on that thought.   I genuinely hope that need or desire goes away at some point, but it’s been there for nearly 20 years and has never left me, so I don’t hold out much hope that it ever will.

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