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Archive for the ‘coming out’ Category

So here I sit alone in my own apartment. Yes, that’s right, I’ve moved out. As of Jan 15th I signed a least on a 1 bedroom apartment and here now I am. It’s a nice place and I’m a lot closer to work. I’m not here all the time. I still head home and see the family at least every couple of days and the kids have already stayed here overnight with me. It’s change and it requires an adjustment by all, but we are doing the best we can.

I haven’t posted much mainly because there has been so much going on, but let me say much has happened in the last month or so. I can possibly say that for those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time, the last few weeks have seen changes that for many of you, including myself, probably thought would never happen.

The divorce petition was officially filed December 30. We now have a minimum 90 day wait to make it final however we may not push that. Some of it depends on ironing out some details like insurance for Anginae and stuff, but all the details of the settlement will be completely amicable.

Just as big of news is that I’m officially outed to most all of my immediate family. Anginae’s parents were first. They had not taken the divorce new’s well and were basically taking it all out on her. The truth settled it all, and to my amazement have been nothing but loving and compassionate towards us both. My parents were next; told them on New Years Day. They were shocked to say the least, but the divorce has been much harder to take than me being gay. Anginae’s prediction that my mother would be the only one to try and talk us out of it after hearing the full story has been true. She’s still coming to terms with it but will in time. My grandfather and aunt and uncle were next. I told my grandpa, and Anginae told my aunt and they informed a couple of my cousins. My grandfather has proven to me more than I already knew that he is an amazing man and my aunt, uncle and cousins have been accepting as well. There are a few other close friends and family that know, and so far without exception all have been open and supportive of Anginae and I. Despite all that has happened, I could not be luckier to have such a loving wonderful family in all of this. It’s the people that I’m not as close to that worry me now. The have more room to judge and not be as open, but only time will tell. All I can say is so far so good.

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Christmas Carol

Well I’ve found a new Christmas song that seems pretty appropriate for me this year. I’m not gonna go into great detail right now. Suffice to say that the number of people I’m out to is growing and will continue to do so in a big way over the next few days most likely. Anyway a guy I’ve been chatting with some recently suggested I check this out. I found it very fitting so I felt I just had to share. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to you all this year.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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Accepting Myself

Statement #1:  I am gay.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a straight person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become straight and must resign myself to the fact that I am gay.

Statement #2:  I am anti-social.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a social person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become a social person and must resign myself to the fact that I am anti-social.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a self-loathing flavor of a post so I figured it was time to write one.

Try as I might, I can’t come up with a good difference between statements #1 and #2 above.  I’m pretty sure that most of you out there reading would not encourage me to go back to convincing myself I’m straight.  If so, then I can assume that most of you would encourage me to remain anti-social?   Go on, raise your hands….  The truth is I am pretty much anti-social when I sit down and think pretty hard about it.

Alright, so what’s brought this up exactly?  Well it’s kinda been brewing for a little while in me, but after returning from a Labor Day trip, it’s all kinda boiled over within me.  Anginae and I took a very nice trip to San Diego over Labor Day weekend.  We had a wonderful time and on two of the nights we were there, we went to a few of the local gay bars.  She had a great time as far as I can tell.  Try as I might, I just cannot get into the social scene of a bar, or anywhere else for that matter.  I didn’t have the nerve to go up and talk to a soul the whole time we were there, which frustrates the hell outta me.

I had always hoped the one of the side benefits of finally “coming out” would be that some of my social anxieties would disappear.  Apparently not.  I’m still the same ol’ guy that I was before all this, minus one little secret I’m no longer keeping.  Even the promise of complete anonymity, I couldn’t get the nerve to try and meet people.  First off, this is not a fear at all of people thinking or knowing I’m gay.  Matter of fact, the few times I’ve been in a gay bar, I kinda hope people get the hint that I am gay.  Every time I’ve been to one with Anginae, we leave our wedding rings behind (her idea) and she is just going with her as my friend.  No, this is all down to my every present social anxiety that for the life of me I have no idea how to get rid of.

Perhaps instead of trying to fight it, I should just give into it and accept it.  I mean how is it any different that being gay.  As far I as know, I was born gay, so how can I argue against the fact that I was just born shy?  While I just haven’t gone crazy and met every guy I possibly could, the very few that I have I’ve been extremely nervous and stressed out the whole time.   Right now I’m at the point of weighing the stress of wanting to meet someone versus giving up on it all together.   No, I’m not going back to being straight….I’m gay and I know it, but I may quit trying to actively go out and meet other guys.  I’ll just have to take the much tougher road and hope somebody tries to find me.  Long odds, but I just don’t know how much I’m up for the whole meeting people and dating thing.

If I look at my life outside of Anginae, there’s not really much of anybody else in it.  Sure I have friends at work and stuff, but that’s all we have in common…work.   If I’m not with hanging out with Anginae or our kids I’m usually alone and to be honest it does not bother me a whole lot.  If it were not for the fact that all those years ago she had the nerve to ask me out, then I would probably still be alone to this day, gay or straight.    Some people are just lonely quit types and I just may be that type.  Like other things in my life, I may just be better off accepting it rather than fight it.

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show

….and I feel like I just jumped off.

That’s what the last week, especially Saturday night, felt like.

Gay initiation…..drinking from a fire hose…baptism by flames….call it what you will but that what last night felt like.

I mentioned in my last post that I’ve been talking to a guy online and on the phone, henceforth known as Rub, and Saturday night I finally met him in person.  Except this was more than just a meeting, this turned out to be a date….my first gay date, and as first gay dates go, mine is one I shall never forget.

Last week I had a couple of nice conversations online and on the phone with Rub and I had pretty much decided I wanted to meet him.  He is a very low pressure kinda guy and so I had convinced myself I was ready.  In the middle of the week, everything was coming together to meet on Saturday; kids outta the house at grandparents, Anginea arranging a “date” with the guy she had recently met, so all that was left was for me to muster the nerve to meet up with my guy.  Thing is, Rub wanted to attend some of the PRIDE weekend activities; mainly the parade and a concert.  This idea scared the crap outta me, but Rub convinced me to come up, we meet and go eat or something, and then I could head out before the parade and concert started if I wanted to.  That sounded good to me so I headed up to see him.

We meet, he’s very nice (and cute), go eat dinner and have a nice time.  Things are going pretty much as I expected.  We leave the restaurant and notice that the streets are blocked off (my truck is blocked in the parking lot).  We ask around and low and behold, the PRIDE parade it going to be coming through.  I jokingly accuse Rub of some devious plan to get me down here, but he claims complete innocence.  So I get to attend my first gay pride parade, complete with leather daddy’s, drag queens, topless male dancers, and of course, protesters holding up bible verses denouncing all the evil homos in attendance.

So after that, we go down to the park which has been hosting all the PRIDE day events for a concert and fireworks.  Lot’s of people around and I spend most of my time just taking it all in.  We sit and watch the concert….sit closely to each other at that….and soon there after I have my first ever gay kiss.  We kissed!!!   Not just some peck either, it was a real kiss… several nice long kisses..and I’m doing it all out in the open…at a fucking gay pride festival.

Concert and fireworks over, we walk around a little (holding hands some) and then head out (to stop so I can pee like I have never had to pee before….3 beers and 16oz of water have to come out somehow).  Pee break done so what’s next?  I know, a gay bar.  Better yet, a gay bar that’s about to have a drag show.  So here I am, crammed into a tiny, smokey gay bar, with Rub holding on to me, gays all around.  It was pretty entertaining so we hung around until about 1 am before the late night part of the show started.  I drive him home and before he goes in, we spend a couple of minutes sitting in my truck making out.

That was it, in a nutshell.  One of the most surreal, unbelievable nights of my entire life.  I still is hard to take in all that happened.  It’s not so much that I met him, it’s the almost comical set of events that I took part in throughout the night on my first ever date with a guy.  In a way I was so busy taking in all that was going on I kinda felt like I was disconnected from him and busier checking out everything around me.  I was certain I had a deer in the headlights look on me a good part of the night, but Rub assures me I did not.  He has said he had a great time and really looks forward to meeting again.  So far he seems like a really great guy; he’s understanding of the situation I’m in and Anginea really seems to like him a lot.

A couple days on now and I’ve had a little more time to absorb everything that went on.  I’m actually looking more forward to meeting Rub again than I was after I dropped him off.  Without sounding too egotistical, I’m really proud of myself for not chickening out.  As overwhelming as the whole night was, I’m very glad to have done it.  I’m even happier that Rub still wants to see me again as well and I’m sure we will be getting together again this week however this time I’m sure won’t be nearly as eventful.

I have so much more to say about what’s going on right now.  I barely even mentioined what all is happening with Anginae which is just a big as my whole story.  Stay tuned, there is much more to come.

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Writer’s Block

Once again sorry for long gap between posts.  Just busy with life on top of a small case of writers block.  I’ve got no shortage of things to blog about, just not clear how I want to lay out my thoughts right now.  I’m pretty much outta my funk now, but things are so hectic around here it’s hard really have a clear mind about anything.  The days are filled with work, driving to and from work, try to help Anginae around the house the best I can and see the kids a little before bed.  By then we both just kinda crash on the couch or try to do a few things around the house before we go to bed .  This week Anginae has had a cold and now she has a stomach virus.  On top of that, I’ve now got the cold along with our daughter.  We had Halloween and 2 more soccer games to get through, then birthdays, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas.   Like many people, it’s gonna be nonstop until after the beginning of the new year.  Last but not least, work is going to be busier than ever to close the year out.

I’d like to blog some about the mood I was in for a few weeks but I just can’t seem to put it into words right now.  It all really boils down to a feeling of trying to be something I was instead of who I am.  I don’t know a better way to put it into words.  Being married and a father of two is something I was and still am today.  I’m not wanting to change that.  But I’m also gay and have pretty much known about my strong attraction to men for almost 20 years.  Accepting that means I may change some and not be the same person that I was before.  To accept that means I have to admit (and accept) the fact that I desire to have some sort of relationship with a man.  It’s not an ideal thing to admit for a marriage but I didn’t come out because I was unhappy with Anginea or unhappy with our marriage.  I was unhappy denying myself of being who I am.  Its not about being unhappy with with what I have in my life but more with what I do not have.  It’s going to take time to figure out how to be who I am and I’m trying to be as patient about it as I possibly can.  It all gets back to this:  how to be married and be gay.

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Well I guess I was due for one of my minor meltdowns.  I have not been getting online for weeks and I came very close to deleting this blog and close my email account.  Regular readers of this blog should be used to it by now.  It’s been a little while since I’ve done this, and I’m sure this one won’t be the last either.  I guess the word meltdown isn’t really the right way to put it.  I think calling it a funk is a better way to put it.  I’ve been pretty closed off for the last couple of weeks; not affectionate or talkative.  I don’t know what causes it exactly, but this time it was a combination of things.  Work was getting to me for a little while but is better for the time being.  I like the job a lot, but I put a lot of expectations on myself and I don’t want to fall short and I often feel that I do.  Also things with my dad never seem to go completely away.

As usual that wasn’t what was getting to me the most.  I don’t know if it really had anything specifically to do with it being one year since coming out to Anginae.  I think it was more just a combination of not talking about things and keeping it to myself.  Keeping things inside always has a way of getting to you over time.  I always feel selfish talking about it, especially when times are so busy.  With all that is going on in our lives, worrying about being gay is not the top of the priority list, at least it should not be.  I don’t want to burden Anginae with it when she has so many other things to worry about.  This is not something she has ever said, it’s just how I feel.

Oh well, I’m still on here for now.  Until I go through all this again.  I don’t know when but I’m sure I will.  One of these days I’m sure I wipe this whole blog out.  At least that would spare you all from my annoying loop I seem to be in at times.

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