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Archive for the ‘dad’ Category

Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving and sorry for the long gap in posts.  As usual its a busy time with work, family and other stuff.  Truth be told some of my spare time has been spent chatting online (with Nate mostly) or watching movies on our new Dish Network HD system.

Not much to report really since the last post.  So much of what is going is just the everyday average normal stuff that its not too really exciting.  Had a good Thanksgiving today.  Saw most all my immediate family and had to stuff myself for two meals (had to come home and pop down some Tums).  Didn’t have to worry or deal with my dad at all so that was a bonus.  It was our oldest’s birthday today so that was nice as well although I feel for him when it falls on Thanksgiving since I think it takes away from it being his day but he didn’t seem to mind to much surprisingly.  Wife and I are going on a little holiday weekend getaway.  It’s just gonna be the two of us and I’m really looking forward to it.  We did it last year for a business trip of mine and this year there is no work so I’m sure it will be a nice relaxing time.

I know I whine and gripe a lot on here.  It’s my blog and thats what it can be an outlet for, but I know I have it pretty good.  Just comparing myself to other guys in my situation I know I have it lucky.  If Anginea had taken this muck differently I don’t think I could have happy Thanksgivings like this so easily.  I still have my family, a good job and my health so I don’t have much to bitch about really.  Being gay is an important part of who I am really, but it’s certainly not the most important part so that will figure itself out in time.  I just have to be careful no to make it the most important thing in my life and remember what is.

Thanks again to all you reading out there.  It’s all of you (I know there aren’t a lot of you) reading and keeping up with my story and responding to how things go that make me keep this blog going.  Yes it is a good outlet for putting down my feelings, but knowing others out there take a moment to care means a lot to me.

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Well I guess I was due for one of my minor meltdowns.  I have not been getting online for weeks and I came very close to deleting this blog and close my email account.  Regular readers of this blog should be used to it by now.  It’s been a little while since I’ve done this, and I’m sure this one won’t be the last either.  I guess the word meltdown isn’t really the right way to put it.  I think calling it a funk is a better way to put it.  I’ve been pretty closed off for the last couple of weeks; not affectionate or talkative.  I don’t know what causes it exactly, but this time it was a combination of things.  Work was getting to me for a little while but is better for the time being.  I like the job a lot, but I put a lot of expectations on myself and I don’t want to fall short and I often feel that I do.  Also things with my dad never seem to go completely away.

As usual that wasn’t what was getting to me the most.  I don’t know if it really had anything specifically to do with it being one year since coming out to Anginae.  I think it was more just a combination of not talking about things and keeping it to myself.  Keeping things inside always has a way of getting to you over time.  I always feel selfish talking about it, especially when times are so busy.  With all that is going on in our lives, worrying about being gay is not the top of the priority list, at least it should not be.  I don’t want to burden Anginae with it when she has so many other things to worry about.  This is not something she has ever said, it’s just how I feel.

Oh well, I’m still on here for now.  Until I go through all this again.  I don’t know when but I’m sure I will.  One of these days I’m sure I wipe this whole blog out.  At least that would spare you all from my annoying loop I seem to be in at times.

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Distant

I haven’t been the most loving and open person lately, and if you read Anginae’s blog, you can see that it’s getting to her.  I’m not very talkative, don’t have much desire to have sex and just not a real blast to be around in general (am I ever?).  It’s no one thing really and it has nothing to do with her.  Just a lot going on at the moment and I’m just not feeling very affectionate and open about things right now.  I don’t have any good reason for acting this way other than it’s just how I react to stress sometimes.  When things get to Anginae, she tends to want more affection and understanding.  I tend to go the opposite way when things get to me and I kind of clam up my feelings.  Not always but in this case that’s the mood I seem to be in.

It’s it’s a combination of work, extracaricular activities, my dad and a particular date coming up.  I would have to say that work has been weighing on me the most lately.  I like my job quite a lot, but some projects crept up on me and I’ve gotten behind.  I rightfully got straightened out by my boss and I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get out of the whole I had gotten myself in.  It’s getting a little better, but I’ve got to do a better job not to let it happen again.  My dad has crept into my life a little again.  Nothing serious really, and I’ve had no direct contact with him, but as long as he is my father, he will always be an issue that never quite goes away.  Also, I’ve recently gotten myself into coaching my sons little leage soccer team.  I’m  not at all the athletic or coaching type by any means so I’m not very comfortable with the whole idea of what I’m doing.   The kids haven’t won many games (no thanks to me) but they seem to be having fun.  I’m glad they seem to enjoy it but I will be glad when it’s all over in a few weeks.  Last but not least is one year is coming up.  I don’t have a lot to say about that right now, in part because I really don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t know when I’ll get out of this mood.  I don’t really know all that is causing me to feel this way.  I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass or act like a loveless jerk to Anginae.  I just don’t seem to be very good a being a caring loving husband right now.  I wish I had a better reason and could make myself get over it.  Like many things, it probably will in time.

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It’s seems that I’ve given a bit of a wrong impression with some of my posts.  This blog is NOT about the issue of homosexuality.  It is NOT about how I believe that homosexuality is wrong and should be shoved into the dark corners of society.  It is NOT how I believe that people should work to change themselves to fit an image of what society wants them to be.

I know what the pages of this blog contain.  I’ve written them so I should know.  I can see how my words could give that impression, and for that I am sorry.  I would hope that any man or woman, no matter that age, that stumbles across this blog would see my struggles and would see that it is best to choose the path to be who you are and not try to change yourself.  If your gay, don’t try to change yourself.  End of story.  It’s not gonna happen.  I’m not making any suggestions on how to live life being gay, I’m still trying to figure that out myself.  But do what makes you happy.

My struggle with homosexuality is purely about my own self conflict I have in life.  Despite what it may sound like, my self esteem issues do not revolve around being gay.  I don’t dislike myself because I am gay.  I dislike myself for many other reasons.  I’ve probably done a poor job of mixing my self loathing in with being gay.  That is not the case.  My self esteem issues date back to when I was a very young child.  Well before I was even aware of what being gay was.  This blog is about how to reconcile the fact that I am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that I truly care about.  Plus I’ve mixed in the relationship with my father, which is probably a more powerful influence on my life than being gay.

I have a wife, I have two wonderful children and I’m gay.  I’m just now starting to learn how to blend all of them together.  I love my wife, want her to be happy and want to take care of her.  I also know I want to be part of her for the rest of my life.  I also have an irrevocable duty to love and protect my children.  Something I take very seriously.  I do not need to protect my kids from homosexuality.  I do have to protect my children from narrow minded individuals that may direct their negative feelings about gays towards them.  As they get older that will change and they will have to learn to deal with all parts of society, but at such a young age, now it not the time.

I smart enough to have perspective on my problems.  Coming out in the middle of red state Oklahoma is not an idea I relish, but will eventually have to get used to, but it pales in comparison to some of the experiences other homosexuals I’m sure have had to deal with.  It’s not Uganda, it’s not Kenya, it’s not Iran or Afghanistan.  I will not likely face any sort of persecution for being gay.  I have not lost any of my friends and loved ones to AIDS.  I know that what I may face coming out pales in comparison to what others that have preceded me have experienced.

I’m not the first man who’s ever traveled down this path.  There are many unknowns down that path and I’m scared to death what those may be.  Don’t confuse my fear of what my life holds for me if I live my life as a gay man with a fear of homosexuality.  The greatest lesson I hope I could ever give to anyone is be happy with who you are.  That’s all I’m trying to do for myself.

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The Bad Son

Well Father’s Day came and went and I have to admit I was probably a pain in the ass.  It had nothing to do with  Anginae or the kids.  They were great.  Anginae fixed my favorite breakfast (homemade sticky buns) and the kids got me a DVD (Talledaga Nights) and Anginae got me a Wii Fit.  We went to see my uncle and grandfather for lunch and then my stepfather came by later in the afternoon.  It was nice to see them all, but I wasn’t in the best of moods despite everyone’s best efforts.  So right there I already felt guilty for acting down for no good reason.

Father’s day didn’t really bug me because I didn’t see my father or because I’m not getting along with him.  I actually ok with that.  That’s how I want it right now.  I was down because I feel guilty for not wanting a relationship with him.  I feel like a shitty son because I’m happier not having him in my life at this point.  I can’t explain how big of a relief it is to not have to worry about having to deal with him and my step mother anymore.  When I get around them I’m a different person.  It’s very hard to explain but Anginae has witnessed me do it many times.  I get all uptight and worry about every move that I make.  I feel like I’m constantly being scrutinized by them and if I somehow make a wrong move or say the wrong thing I’ll get called on it by my father later on.  I feel that way because it happened to me many times growing up.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to feel comfortable being who I am (not talking at all about the gay thing here) and be around the family I love without feeling like I’m doing something wrong.  My father and step mother have always tried to make me feel I was betraying them by having a relationship with my mother and my grandparents (my dad’s parents).  Despite all this I feel like I’m a really bad son because I want nothing to do with my father.  I know he can been a real jerk-ass to me and especially Anginae, but I feel that a son shouldn’t be happy about not having a relationship with his father.

Of course I wish I could have a relationship with my father, but not on his terms and with him treating me the way he has all these years.  I’m not happy with the way things are, but I can’t change them.  I love him and I want him to be happy.  But I want him to be happy with us not having a relationship.  I’m happy with that, I just wish he could as well.

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Well, as I warned a few weeks ago, I’m not gonna be very good about posting regularly.  It’s been a busy few weeks.   I’m still gay, still married, still the father of two kids, and still gainfully employed, so nothing new there.

The new job is going well so far.  I really like the work I’m doing and I like my boss and the people I work with.  There is a great deal for me to learn.  I’m got a job that allows me to used my degree quite a bit more, but I’m way out of practice on top of the fact that it is an entirely new industry that I have no experience in.  I’m sure you wondering how I got hired, but Anginae seems to think my boss really likes me (not like that!), and I don’t know why.  I’m a nice guy, but nothing special.

Hhhmmmm, other boring news, I finally was able to talk Anginae into getting a new car.  I made her part with her second Subaru.  This time we traded her ’06 Outback for a ’08 Civic EX Sedan.  It’s nice, but less expensive than the Outback.  Plus it’s will average us about 30 mpg which is about a 20% improvement.  I think she really likes it.  It’s a black pearl color has a moon roof which I always wanted.  Had it for about 2 weeks now and I was very proud to average about 33 mpg driving it last weekend.

Speaking of last weekend, I think Anginae had a nice mothers day.  I tried to dress up nice for her in a dress shirt and my blazer to go to church, which she really liked. I don’t dress up for her and she likes it when I do so I tried to look good for her.  The kids fixed her Smore’s Poptarts in bed for her and got her a box of candy.  I surprised her with a new 4 GB Ipod Nano and downloaded the Foxboro Hottubs (aka Green Day; Anginae’s fave) on it for her.  This will go well with her new car since it has a jack to plug in and listen to her Ipod.  Overall it was a busy day visiting family, but I think it was a good day for her.

Still trying to keep up exercising.  Not doing as well since my new work schedule doesn’t give me as much time.  I have a hard time dragging my ass out of bed early in the morning before I go to work and it’s hard to get up off the couch at night once we sat down from getting the kids in bed.   I’ve been able to exercise about 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks which is better than nothing I guess.  I’m got to accept I’m never going to be a “fit” guy, but I will just have to live with various levels of being out of shape!

Since I’ve left my old job I’ve not spoken to my father at all.  It’s been over a month now and this is by far the longest period I’ve ever gone without speaking to him.  I have very mixed emotions about this.  On the one hand, it’s a relief to not be dealing with him and everything that went along with our relationship, but on the other I just can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  My son graduated from kindergarten tonight and my dad was there.  I didn’t see him, and he came because Anginae sent him and email letting him know when it was happening.  I’m glad I didn’t see him and know he was there until after it was over.  At this point in my life, I’ve decided I don’t want a relationship, and he clearly indicated they want no relationship with Anginae.  But I’m unsure what obligation I have to ensure the grandparent to grandchild relationship I need to provide for. Our kids don’t really bring them up, so I don’t know how much they notice their absence.  How do make sure my kids have a relationship with him, when I don’t want one, and is it my responsibility to provide one?  Questions that will take a little time to figure out I’m sure.  I’ll just try and enjoy not having that stress of dealing with them for now.

Well this turned out to be a little bit longer of a post than I intended.  And it’s all edge of your seat kinda shit for you to read.  I’ve got lots of things in my head I’d like to post, if I only had the time.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.

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