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Archive for the ‘wife’ Category

Well life goes on and I continue to be a very bad blogger. Sorry dear readers for such the long absence and I hope to do much better in the future. So much is going on right now; nothing bad really, things just vary from the mundane to the new and different.

I’ve been in my apartment a little over two months now and things are settled into a little bit of a routine. I come home several nights a week. Kids have spent a few weekends with me at my apartment and seem to enjoy getting to be with me. I’m busy with work as usual of course and have signed up to coach my sons soccer team again for the spring season (the parents talked me into it again). All in all everybody seems to be adjusting to the move ok. Anginae is adjusting to being at home most of the time on her own but her boyfriend Bark is there most every night. Bark and Anginae are quite serious and he and the kids all seem to be getting along very well. Despite the complications of their relationship, I’m very happy for her and wish them nothing but a life of happiness together.

Well now that I’ve been living the life of a gay bachelor, you may wonder what’s been going on there. Let me get you up to speed.

It didn’t take me long to get my apartment broken in. Back in January I thought I might be getting back with DMc. We went on a date or two and the night I moved in he came over and…well….I got lucky. As luck would have it that was the last I have seen of him. I texted him once or twice but I now see his immaturity and have happily moved on.

A couple of weeks later I met a couple of guys I had been chatting with on Manhunt. One night a guy came over late to my apartment for a drink. Not a thing happened but we sat up and talked until 3am. He was a nice guy and we’ve talked on line since then but I haven’t seen him since. Two nights later another guy came over to watch a movie. For the first time ever I had a guy put the moves on me. We didn’t quite finish the movie and lets just say I have my first ever one night stand. He was a really nice guy but I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually. He wasn’t bad looking at all but there just wasn’t something there. Anyway it was fun but I haven’t seen him since either. I still chat with him from time to time but again this is just another guy I would just like to have as a friend.

A couple weeks later (on Valentines Day of all days) I started chatting on Manhunt with another guy, lets call him Scooter. Scooter was very nice and was persistent about meeting me. Well I finally gave in and a few days later and had a nice friendly meeting at my apartment. I liked talking with him a lot but nothing but talk happened. Scooter came over the very next night, we talked a lot again but this time there was some cuddling involved. We saw each other just about every night that week and really liked being with each other.

Scooter really fell hard for me. Me being me, I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check. After a couple of weeks I finally gave in and we are now officially “boyfriends”. We’ve been seeing each other now about a month and a half and things are going great. I’ve given into my emotions further and have really fallen for him myself.

That’s the last couple of months in a nutshell. There is a lot more going on to blog about but sorry to say I’m not going to go into further details now and will save them for a later post.

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So here I sit alone in my own apartment. Yes, that’s right, I’ve moved out. As of Jan 15th I signed a least on a 1 bedroom apartment and here now I am. It’s a nice place and I’m a lot closer to work. I’m not here all the time. I still head home and see the family at least every couple of days and the kids have already stayed here overnight with me. It’s change and it requires an adjustment by all, but we are doing the best we can.

I haven’t posted much mainly because there has been so much going on, but let me say much has happened in the last month or so. I can possibly say that for those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time, the last few weeks have seen changes that for many of you, including myself, probably thought would never happen.

The divorce petition was officially filed December 30. We now have a minimum 90 day wait to make it final however we may not push that. Some of it depends on ironing out some details like insurance for Anginae and stuff, but all the details of the settlement will be completely amicable.

Just as big of news is that I’m officially outed to most all of my immediate family. Anginae’s parents were first. They had not taken the divorce new’s well and were basically taking it all out on her. The truth settled it all, and to my amazement have been nothing but loving and compassionate towards us both. My parents were next; told them on New Years Day. They were shocked to say the least, but the divorce has been much harder to take than me being gay. Anginae’s prediction that my mother would be the only one to try and talk us out of it after hearing the full story has been true. She’s still coming to terms with it but will in time. My grandfather and aunt and uncle were next. I told my grandpa, and Anginae told my aunt and they informed a couple of my cousins. My grandfather has proven to me more than I already knew that he is an amazing man and my aunt, uncle and cousins have been accepting as well. There are a few other close friends and family that know, and so far without exception all have been open and supportive of Anginae and I. Despite all that has happened, I could not be luckier to have such a loving wonderful family in all of this. It’s the people that I’m not as close to that worry me now. The have more room to judge and not be as open, but only time will tell. All I can say is so far so good.

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Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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Favor

I helped my wife’s boyfriend move into his apartment today. Go ahead and read that again if you like. Anginae’s boyfriend (whom shall now be known as Bark) moved out of his house today and into an apartment and the use of my truck and lifting ability was needed. I was genuinely happy to help. He’s a nice guy, they seem really happy together and despite the past mistakes he’s made with his current marriage I truely hope they can find happiness with one another.

The last few weeks have moved quickly. Anginae and I are both fairly comfortable with the decision we have made. Bark has made a big step to end a marriage he has been unhappy in for many years. His divorce, unlike ours, is likely to be a nasty one. He’s a lucky guy to have the chance of being with Anginae once it’s all over for him. Today may be one more step in what my life will be; spending time with my best friend (aka ex-wife) and her man. I’m really pretty okay with that. So long as I have me a man of my own to tag along with me.

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Looks Like When

Anginae signed the divorce petition Monday. We have decided to hold off on filing it until after the holidays are over but the decision has been made. We are not waiting because we are not ready but more because we don’t want to have to put up with telling everybody right now.

Anginae says that Monday was one of the happiest days she has had in a while. Knowing that put a smile on my face. The last two years together have not been difficult. Sure there have been some stressful times as we learned to cope with this, but now there is some closure to all of this. What would be the outcome of our marriage was always something there hanging over us. Now that we have come to this decision we can now more easily move forward. Sure there are going to be some sad and difficult moments ahead but we are not losing each other. This is just another step in the transformation of our relationship.

I’ll be honest. I am scared. This decision is going to cause many things to happen. First off will be telling my mom and stepdad. They are our only hope of parental support in all this. Anginae told her parents about the divorce an they are pissed to say the least. If they knew the full reason why it would be even worse. I of course don’t have my father to go to (and don’t want to) so I’m going to putting a lot of pressure on my mom to help us through this. I can’t help but feel she owes me this. There is working out the whole financial and living situation. Anginae is looking for more work and I will give her all the support I can. I think after the first of the year I will also start looking for a small place of my own closer to work. I’m conflicted as to whether to disclose to my boss why I am getting divorced. I know it seems like none of his business but it is a small company and I’d rather come clean instead of him somehow finding out. Finally there is a matter of my boyfriend. I like DMc a lot but I’m not sure he is up to the task of being with me right now. I don’t want to end it with him but I need a boyfriend that can be a support to me in all this. All I can do is hope he shares some of the same feelings I have for him, but if not I may have to make the tough decision and move on.

So this is it I guess. We are starting another chapter in our lives; one that I still can’t believe is happening. It is a mixture of many emotions ranging from sadness to excitement. The best part though is I will still have her in my life. I’m not losing her we are just settling into a different type of relationship. Despite how hard this is going to be, that thought alone makes a world of difference.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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Art Imitates Life

“OMG!…..you’re Will and Grace!”   So says our adorably cute waiter at very gay restaurant on our trip in San Diego after we let him in on our little secret.

Believe me, Anginae and I have both made joking comparisons of ourselves to Will and Grace.  Some obvious comparisons hold true, while others are way off.  We are married, have kids and don’t have a Jack and Karen (although Nate and Paul could fit the bill).  However, I am gay, she is straight and we are the best of friends that are there to support each other in this journey of ours.

Now that Anginae has posted about it, I feel that I can now openly talk about her boyfriend. She met her BF almost the exact same time I met and started seeing Rub. It started off as just an affair for both of them and it was never intended for it to become serious. Now they are both in love and trying to figure out how to deal with it. As she mentioned, his situation is complicated and they are not able to spend the time together that either of them would like. Although I’ve never met the guy, I really like him. Most of all, I am happy the way he makes Anginae feel. I enjoy seeing how happy she gets when she gets to spend time with him. I’m not hurt at all that she’s fallen in love with another guy. I’m confident how she feels about me and that makes a world of difference in all this; in fact, I feel a bad sometimes that I’m not bothered by it. There are issues yet for each of them to figure out, but I know they both want to deal with them and I hope for nothing more that they both find happiness with their relationship.

So back now back to where I started. Like I said, there are tons of differences between Anginae & me vs. Will & Grace, but what we do have in common is that we are the best of friends and always will be. We are in love, and yes we have taken that friendship a couple of steps further than the fictional couple did, but it is still much the same. We are there to support in other in the new relationships we are forming all the while trying to be careful not to forget about the other in the process. Our life is no where near as exciting as theirs, but we have a lot more excitement in our lives than most average folk! I trust completely how she feels about me I and I believe she trusts completely how I feel about her as well. It’s not something either one of us ever try and take for granted and I hope that I do my best to let her know that I need her more than anyone in my life. As my wife, and if not that then as my Grace.

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