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Smother

I’m clingy. I’m whiny. I’m needy. Before you say I’m just being hard on myself as usual, these are not just words I use to describe myself, but also Anginae’s as well. If your wife tells you that you’ve been too clingy with your boyfriend, they you have a problem. The thing is, these descriptions don’t apply to how I act towards her sometimes, but how I treat guys I’m interested in, specifically DMc in this case. Because of all this, I’ve managed to scare DMc away and it now appears I am now boyfriend-less. As fast as he was here he is now gone.

This post isn’t exactly timely; this all kind of started going down a few weeks ago. I last saw DMc the Sunday before the Thanksgiving; we went out and I thought we had a good time. After that though, he fell pretty quite. I hardly heard from him the whole week until the Friday after the holiday he said he basically didn’t know how to be there for himself right now, so he didn’t know if he could be there for a boyfriend. He’s since told me he’s not seeing anyone (well this he told me a couple of weeks ago, so I assume it’s still true) and I think I believe him. He said he had some stuff to figure out for himself and he didn’t really feel like it was a good time for him to have a boyfriend.

Now I really feel I had a hand in pushing him towards this. During the time when Anginae decided to proceed with the divorce I got a little whiny and emotional probably. I now see I may have directed a little too much of my neediness at the time towards him. I mean yes, he was my boyfriend, but I hadn’t really known him that terribly long so I think it was to much to ask of him at the time. I have since explained myself to him and apologized for how I acted.

I’m 90% sure that things are over with him. I really liked him a lot and really am not ready to move on completely from him until I hear that he no longer has any desire to be with me. As things stand now for me, it may not be a bad time for me to not have a boyfriend until the holidays are over and we get going formally on the divorce. I will at that time probably look to move someplace closer to work at which time I may see if things are truly over with him.

In the meantime, I’m trying my best to move on from him. I’m trying to be reasonable and not hold out too much hope for something that’s not going to happen. I don’t necessarily think he was “the one” for me forever, but he was a nice, good guy and I wasn’t ready for it to be over yet. I’ve started chatting with new guys online some, but have not yet made the move to meet anybody in person. DMc and I still talk via text from time to time but that’s about it. If it is over, I think we will at least be friendly to one another. Yes I know I can use all the friends I can get right now, but I was really hoping to keep him in the boyfriend category for a lot longer.

Favor

I helped my wife’s boyfriend move into his apartment today. Go ahead and read that again if you like. Anginae’s boyfriend (whom shall now be known as Bark) moved out of his house today and into an apartment and the use of my truck and lifting ability was needed. I was genuinely happy to help. He’s a nice guy, they seem really happy together and despite the past mistakes he’s made with his current marriage I truely hope they can find happiness with one another.

The last few weeks have moved quickly. Anginae and I are both fairly comfortable with the decision we have made. Bark has made a big step to end a marriage he has been unhappy in for many years. His divorce, unlike ours, is likely to be a nasty one. He’s a lucky guy to have the chance of being with Anginae once it’s all over for him. Today may be one more step in what my life will be; spending time with my best friend (aka ex-wife) and her man. I’m really pretty okay with that. So long as I have me a man of my own to tag along with me.

Looks Like When

Anginae signed the divorce petition Monday. We have decided to hold off on filing it until after the holidays are over but the decision has been made. We are not waiting because we are not ready but more because we don’t want to have to put up with telling everybody right now.

Anginae says that Monday was one of the happiest days she has had in a while. Knowing that put a smile on my face. The last two years together have not been difficult. Sure there have been some stressful times as we learned to cope with this, but now there is some closure to all of this. What would be the outcome of our marriage was always something there hanging over us. Now that we have come to this decision we can now more easily move forward. Sure there are going to be some sad and difficult moments ahead but we are not losing each other. This is just another step in the transformation of our relationship.

I’ll be honest. I am scared. This decision is going to cause many things to happen. First off will be telling my mom and stepdad. They are our only hope of parental support in all this. Anginae told her parents about the divorce an they are pissed to say the least. If they knew the full reason why it would be even worse. I of course don’t have my father to go to (and don’t want to) so I’m going to putting a lot of pressure on my mom to help us through this. I can’t help but feel she owes me this. There is working out the whole financial and living situation. Anginae is looking for more work and I will give her all the support I can. I think after the first of the year I will also start looking for a small place of my own closer to work. I’m conflicted as to whether to disclose to my boss why I am getting divorced. I know it seems like none of his business but it is a small company and I’d rather come clean instead of him somehow finding out. Finally there is a matter of my boyfriend. I like DMc a lot but I’m not sure he is up to the task of being with me right now. I don’t want to end it with him but I need a boyfriend that can be a support to me in all this. All I can do is hope he shares some of the same feelings I have for him, but if not I may have to make the tough decision and move on.

So this is it I guess. We are starting another chapter in our lives; one that I still can’t believe is happening. It is a mixture of many emotions ranging from sadness to excitement. The best part though is I will still have her in my life. I’m not losing her we are just settling into a different type of relationship. Despite how hard this is going to be, that thought alone makes a world of difference.

When Not If?

I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

Boyfriend

I was down and ready to give up on dating. I was sick of stressing over it and didn’t want to think about it anymore. So how I started chatting with a few guys online changed. My conversations were much more sexual in nature instead of just being friendly chats. It wasn’t a lot of guys but just a few. There was one guy I met on Manhunt that I had chatted briefly a few times, but nothing serious. Then one day he came on and we started talking, exchanged a few pics (of the adult variety) and after a couple of conversations, he asked me to come by his house during the day while he was off work. I said “yes, if I can make it over”. At the time I really wanted to go through with it but was skeptical I would actually go through with it. Turns out I couldn’t make it by his house (for legitimate reasons), but we texted a few times that afternoon and he asked to go see a movie later. So with no good reason to say no, I agreed. That was four weeks ago and because of that chance meeting I now have my first official boyfriend. Hard for even me to believe.

So a little about DMc (what bf shall be named here). He just turned 25, is broke (he’s car-less because he can’t afford to fix it), works at a well know clothing retailer and best of all, he lives with his parents (I must have a thing for homeless guess). Guess what, I don’t give a shit what any of you may think. He’s super cute, fun to be with and I really like being with him and best of all, for now he’s my boyfriend. I’m trying my best to relax and enjoy it. It’s not easy. There is a lot going on right now in my life, some of it normal work and family stuff; some of it relationship drama shit. I’ve got so much to say here but so little time. It’s been a while here since I posted so I wanted to give a little bit of the reason why. Between work, family and now a boyfriend the blog just has to take back seat.

Art Imitates Life

“OMG!…..you’re Will and Grace!”   So says our adorably cute waiter at very gay restaurant on our trip in San Diego after we let him in on our little secret.

Believe me, Anginae and I have both made joking comparisons of ourselves to Will and Grace.  Some obvious comparisons hold true, while others are way off.  We are married, have kids and don’t have a Jack and Karen (although Nate and Paul could fit the bill).  However, I am gay, she is straight and we are the best of friends that are there to support each other in this journey of ours.

Now that Anginae has posted about it, I feel that I can now openly talk about her boyfriend. She met her BF almost the exact same time I met and started seeing Rub. It started off as just an affair for both of them and it was never intended for it to become serious. Now they are both in love and trying to figure out how to deal with it. As she mentioned, his situation is complicated and they are not able to spend the time together that either of them would like. Although I’ve never met the guy, I really like him. Most of all, I am happy the way he makes Anginae feel. I enjoy seeing how happy she gets when she gets to spend time with him. I’m not hurt at all that she’s fallen in love with another guy. I’m confident how she feels about me and that makes a world of difference in all this; in fact, I feel a bad sometimes that I’m not bothered by it. There are issues yet for each of them to figure out, but I know they both want to deal with them and I hope for nothing more that they both find happiness with their relationship.

So back now back to where I started. Like I said, there are tons of differences between Anginae & me vs. Will & Grace, but what we do have in common is that we are the best of friends and always will be. We are in love, and yes we have taken that friendship a couple of steps further than the fictional couple did, but it is still much the same. We are there to support in other in the new relationships we are forming all the while trying to be careful not to forget about the other in the process. Our life is no where near as exciting as theirs, but we have a lot more excitement in our lives than most average folk! I trust completely how she feels about me I and I believe she trusts completely how I feel about her as well. It’s not something either one of us ever try and take for granted and I hope that I do my best to let her know that I need her more than anyone in my life. As my wife, and if not that then as my Grace.

Accepting Myself

Statement #1:  I am gay.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a straight person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become straight and must resign myself to the fact that I am gay.

Statement #2:  I am anti-social.  It is something about myself that despite no matter how much I may want to change it, I cannot.  I have tried hard for many years to change myself into a social person, but have been unable to do so.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of hoping that I will ever become a social person and must resign myself to the fact that I am anti-social.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a self-loathing flavor of a post so I figured it was time to write one.

Try as I might, I can’t come up with a good difference between statements #1 and #2 above.  I’m pretty sure that most of you out there reading would not encourage me to go back to convincing myself I’m straight.  If so, then I can assume that most of you would encourage me to remain anti-social?   Go on, raise your hands….  The truth is I am pretty much anti-social when I sit down and think pretty hard about it.

Alright, so what’s brought this up exactly?  Well it’s kinda been brewing for a little while in me, but after returning from a Labor Day trip, it’s all kinda boiled over within me.  Anginae and I took a very nice trip to San Diego over Labor Day weekend.  We had a wonderful time and on two of the nights we were there, we went to a few of the local gay bars.  She had a great time as far as I can tell.  Try as I might, I just cannot get into the social scene of a bar, or anywhere else for that matter.  I didn’t have the nerve to go up and talk to a soul the whole time we were there, which frustrates the hell outta me.

I had always hoped the one of the side benefits of finally “coming out” would be that some of my social anxieties would disappear.  Apparently not.  I’m still the same ol’ guy that I was before all this, minus one little secret I’m no longer keeping.  Even the promise of complete anonymity, I couldn’t get the nerve to try and meet people.  First off, this is not a fear at all of people thinking or knowing I’m gay.  Matter of fact, the few times I’ve been in a gay bar, I kinda hope people get the hint that I am gay.  Every time I’ve been to one with Anginae, we leave our wedding rings behind (her idea) and she is just going with her as my friend.  No, this is all down to my every present social anxiety that for the life of me I have no idea how to get rid of.

Perhaps instead of trying to fight it, I should just give into it and accept it.  I mean how is it any different that being gay.  As far I as know, I was born gay, so how can I argue against the fact that I was just born shy?  While I just haven’t gone crazy and met every guy I possibly could, the very few that I have I’ve been extremely nervous and stressed out the whole time.   Right now I’m at the point of weighing the stress of wanting to meet someone versus giving up on it all together.   No, I’m not going back to being straight….I’m gay and I know it, but I may quit trying to actively go out and meet other guys.  I’ll just have to take the much tougher road and hope somebody tries to find me.  Long odds, but I just don’t know how much I’m up for the whole meeting people and dating thing.

If I look at my life outside of Anginae, there’s not really much of anybody else in it.  Sure I have friends at work and stuff, but that’s all we have in common…work.   If I’m not with hanging out with Anginae or our kids I’m usually alone and to be honest it does not bother me a whole lot.  If it were not for the fact that all those years ago she had the nerve to ask me out, then I would probably still be alone to this day, gay or straight.    Some people are just lonely quit types and I just may be that type.  Like other things in my life, I may just be better off accepting it rather than fight it.