Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘boyfriend’

Most anyone who reads this blog would agree that I could have done with some professional help for quite a long time. After all this time I’ve finally broken down and done it. All it took was a little drama queen hissy fit that almost made me lose Scooter to finally convince myself to get professional help.

Now I have found a new regular doctor who prescribed me an anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication and I have also had one session with a therapist (and have the next one scheduled). I’ve been on the medication for almost 3 weeks now and so far I think it is working to mellow me out a little, although I’ve read it takes about 4 weeks or so to be fully effective. The first therapist session went alright but it was a little less than I had hoped. I was completely open and honest with my situation but I have had so much go on it’s hard to know where to begin with what I think I need to talk about. I started with my anxiety issues which I figured was as good a place as any to start. She ended the session by giving me some stuff to read on how to control my anxiety. I’ll give it a couple more sessions and see what happens.

After all that I’ve confronted over the last couple of years I really figured I was gonna be good. I thought I had done the things that would put me well down the road to fixing myself. Turns out my insecurities and lack of self confidence have grown when it comes to dealing with my new relationship. I sometimes have such a low self image of myself I don’t see how I can ever manage to keep him. It’s too good to be true that I have found Scooter and that somehow I can manage to make him happy. He’s always been openly gay and he’s dated a number of guys. I just don’t see how out of all the guys out there I can be “the one” for him. He makes me very happy, I just am so worried that I somehow won’t make him feel the same way.

This is all so new to me. My relationship with Anginae never felt like this for a lot of different reasons. With her we were of course young but it started as friendship and gradually turned into love. I never had the jealousy or lack of self confidence with her like I have had with guys. I think part of that was in the back of my mind I always felt that if she somehow left me I would be off the hook for having to come out to her. My big secret wouldn’t be so hard to figure out anymore. Now though, I have what I want firmly in my grasp and I’m so scared to lose it. I’m not jumping for the first guy that really falls for me. I”ve gotten really lucky and found the guy I want without having to wait and search for years. It happens and I don’t wanna mess up this chance.

Now that I have what I want and need I’ve got to do what I can to be a good boyfriend (partner or husband?) while continuing to be the best father (and ex husband) I can be. It took nearly throwing away what I have to show me I am still a broken person, but I’m going to try once and for all to fix myself.

Read Full Post »

I Fell

But I did not hurt myself. I’ve fallen in love with Scooter. Fallen pretty hard in fact. I tried so hard for as long as I could to keep my emotions in check but I failed. I caved and gave into them. I don’t know why I try so hard to keep myself a closed off person. It took well over a year before I ever mustered the nerve to say those words to Anginae, although saying it (and knowing it) at age 16 is much different than at age 34.

Scooter said he basically fell for me at first site. Due to his relationship status at the time he didn’t quite know what to do about it. He officially ended his relationship with his ex just two weeks after we started seeing each other (they had been having problems for a long time). Scooter is doing his best to move on from his ex now and I can’t really ask him to do any more than he already has. He is still friends with his ex (they are still roommates….separate rooms!) and I trust him, although I’d be lying if I said I was never a little jealous, but thats mostly my insecurities talking.

I work so hard to keep myself guarded person. I don’t know why but I’m always very self conscious about ever letting someone see my emotions. I guess being the shy person that I am I’m always afraid of being judged or mocked for the way I feel. When I first met Scooter I thought he was a really nice cute guy that I thought could be a good friend. However, he was in a relationship (it was an open relationship…I know how those can go) and I did not want to be “that guy” so I initially didn’t really want to allow myself to have any strong feelings for him. Shortly after I met him I discovered all was not well with his relationship, and things quickly took off from there.

The more I allow myself to give into my feelings the more that I love him, and the more I fall for him the more scared I get. I don’t know why, but falling in love put you in a very vulnerable position. It’s not that I don’t trust him or don’t believe that he loves me, but my insecurities and jealously can sometimes get the best of me.
Scooter has told me that I’m “the one”. He’s always been out so he’s had a much longer time to figure out what that is. I hope he’s right. I don’t know what “the one” is for me, but I don’t know what else I’m looking for. He’s a loving, caring man that’s crazy about me, appreciates who I am and what I do. We are similar in a lot of ways but also different enough to make things interesting.

Between family time and work I try to find every moment I can to be with him. Scooter has met my kids and I’m hoping that things will get to where time with the kids includes him as well, much like Anginae has with Bark. To the kids he is just a friend, but I hope in the not to distant future, they know him as more that just a friend to me. All I can say is I love every moment I get to spend with him.

So there it is, I’m in love with another man. After all these years I can hardly believe it myself. With this comes so many emotions. Happiness most of all but definite moments of anxiety and fear. Anxiety for what is yet to come and fear that somehow I will manage to scare this one away as well. If I do this one will hurt so much more than the previous two. I never had any feelings for either of them that approach how I feel about Scooter. I hope this is it for me; I truly hope he is “the one” for me. As I said though I mostly feel happiness. So many things melt away for me when he holds me in his arms or when we are together, stress and other not so fun thoughts seem to simply go away. I don’t wanna lose this one, and I’m gonna do everything I can to hold onto this feeling.

Read Full Post »

Well life goes on and I continue to be a very bad blogger. Sorry dear readers for such the long absence and I hope to do much better in the future. So much is going on right now; nothing bad really, things just vary from the mundane to the new and different.

I’ve been in my apartment a little over two months now and things are settled into a little bit of a routine. I come home several nights a week. Kids have spent a few weekends with me at my apartment and seem to enjoy getting to be with me. I’m busy with work as usual of course and have signed up to coach my sons soccer team again for the spring season (the parents talked me into it again). All in all everybody seems to be adjusting to the move ok. Anginae is adjusting to being at home most of the time on her own but her boyfriend Bark is there most every night. Bark and Anginae are quite serious and he and the kids all seem to be getting along very well. Despite the complications of their relationship, I’m very happy for her and wish them nothing but a life of happiness together.

Well now that I’ve been living the life of a gay bachelor, you may wonder what’s been going on there. Let me get you up to speed.

It didn’t take me long to get my apartment broken in. Back in January I thought I might be getting back with DMc. We went on a date or two and the night I moved in he came over and…well….I got lucky. As luck would have it that was the last I have seen of him. I texted him once or twice but I now see his immaturity and have happily moved on.

A couple of weeks later I met a couple of guys I had been chatting with on Manhunt. One night a guy came over late to my apartment for a drink. Not a thing happened but we sat up and talked until 3am. He was a nice guy and we’ve talked on line since then but I haven’t seen him since. Two nights later another guy came over to watch a movie. For the first time ever I had a guy put the moves on me. We didn’t quite finish the movie and lets just say I have my first ever one night stand. He was a really nice guy but I wasn’t really attracted to him sexually. He wasn’t bad looking at all but there just wasn’t something there. Anyway it was fun but I haven’t seen him since either. I still chat with him from time to time but again this is just another guy I would just like to have as a friend.

A couple weeks later (on Valentines Day of all days) I started chatting on Manhunt with another guy, lets call him Scooter. Scooter was very nice and was persistent about meeting me. Well I finally gave in and a few days later and had a nice friendly meeting at my apartment. I liked talking with him a lot but nothing but talk happened. Scooter came over the very next night, we talked a lot again but this time there was some cuddling involved. We saw each other just about every night that week and really liked being with each other.

Scooter really fell hard for me. Me being me, I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check. After a couple of weeks I finally gave in and we are now officially “boyfriends”. We’ve been seeing each other now about a month and a half and things are going great. I’ve given into my emotions further and have really fallen for him myself.

That’s the last couple of months in a nutshell. There is a lot more going on to blog about but sorry to say I’m not going to go into further details now and will save them for a later post.

Read Full Post »

Smother

I’m clingy. I’m whiny. I’m needy. Before you say I’m just being hard on myself as usual, these are not just words I use to describe myself, but also Anginae’s as well. If your wife tells you that you’ve been too clingy with your boyfriend, they you have a problem. The thing is, these descriptions don’t apply to how I act towards her sometimes, but how I treat guys I’m interested in, specifically DMc in this case. Because of all this, I’ve managed to scare DMc away and it now appears I am now boyfriend-less. As fast as he was here he is now gone.

This post isn’t exactly timely; this all kind of started going down a few weeks ago. I last saw DMc the Sunday before the Thanksgiving; we went out and I thought we had a good time. After that though, he fell pretty quite. I hardly heard from him the whole week until the Friday after the holiday he said he basically didn’t know how to be there for himself right now, so he didn’t know if he could be there for a boyfriend. He’s since told me he’s not seeing anyone (well this he told me a couple of weeks ago, so I assume it’s still true) and I think I believe him. He said he had some stuff to figure out for himself and he didn’t really feel like it was a good time for him to have a boyfriend.

Now I really feel I had a hand in pushing him towards this. During the time when Anginae decided to proceed with the divorce I got a little whiny and emotional probably. I now see I may have directed a little too much of my neediness at the time towards him. I mean yes, he was my boyfriend, but I hadn’t really known him that terribly long so I think it was to much to ask of him at the time. I have since explained myself to him and apologized for how I acted.

I’m 90% sure that things are over with him. I really liked him a lot and really am not ready to move on completely from him until I hear that he no longer has any desire to be with me. As things stand now for me, it may not be a bad time for me to not have a boyfriend until the holidays are over and we get going formally on the divorce. I will at that time probably look to move someplace closer to work at which time I may see if things are truly over with him.

In the meantime, I’m trying my best to move on from him. I’m trying to be reasonable and not hold out too much hope for something that’s not going to happen. I don’t necessarily think he was “the one” for me forever, but he was a nice, good guy and I wasn’t ready for it to be over yet. I’ve started chatting with new guys online some, but have not yet made the move to meet anybody in person. DMc and I still talk via text from time to time but that’s about it. If it is over, I think we will at least be friendly to one another. Yes I know I can use all the friends I can get right now, but I was really hoping to keep him in the boyfriend category for a lot longer.

Read Full Post »

Favor

I helped my wife’s boyfriend move into his apartment today. Go ahead and read that again if you like. Anginae’s boyfriend (whom shall now be known as Bark) moved out of his house today and into an apartment and the use of my truck and lifting ability was needed. I was genuinely happy to help. He’s a nice guy, they seem really happy together and despite the past mistakes he’s made with his current marriage I truely hope they can find happiness with one another.

The last few weeks have moved quickly. Anginae and I are both fairly comfortable with the decision we have made. Bark has made a big step to end a marriage he has been unhappy in for many years. His divorce, unlike ours, is likely to be a nasty one. He’s a lucky guy to have the chance of being with Anginae once it’s all over for him. Today may be one more step in what my life will be; spending time with my best friend (aka ex-wife) and her man. I’m really pretty okay with that. So long as I have me a man of my own to tag along with me.

Read Full Post »

I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

Read Full Post »

Boyfriend

I was down and ready to give up on dating. I was sick of stressing over it and didn’t want to think about it anymore. So how I started chatting with a few guys online changed. My conversations were much more sexual in nature instead of just being friendly chats. It wasn’t a lot of guys but just a few. There was one guy I met on Manhunt that I had chatted briefly a few times, but nothing serious. Then one day he came on and we started talking, exchanged a few pics (of the adult variety) and after a couple of conversations, he asked me to come by his house during the day while he was off work. I said “yes, if I can make it over”. At the time I really wanted to go through with it but was skeptical I would actually go through with it. Turns out I couldn’t make it by his house (for legitimate reasons), but we texted a few times that afternoon and he asked to go see a movie later. So with no good reason to say no, I agreed. That was four weeks ago and because of that chance meeting I now have my first official boyfriend. Hard for even me to believe.

So a little about DMc (what bf shall be named here). He just turned 25, is broke (he’s car-less because he can’t afford to fix it), works at a well know clothing retailer and best of all, he lives with his parents (I must have a thing for homeless guess). Guess what, I don’t give a shit what any of you may think. He’s super cute, fun to be with and I really like being with him and best of all, for now he’s my boyfriend. I’m trying my best to relax and enjoy it. It’s not easy. There is a lot going on right now in my life, some of it normal work and family stuff; some of it relationship drama shit. I’ve got so much to say here but so little time. It’s been a while here since I posted so I wanted to give a little bit of the reason why. Between work, family and now a boyfriend the blog just has to take back seat.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »