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Posts Tagged ‘chatting’

My Point of View

As some of you know, I have an open invitation on my blog to chat with me online.  I’ve got my Yahoo email address listed and I’ve had the opportunity to chat with a number of people who read this blog.  Some of the people I’ve met through here have become pretty good friends.  Almost everyone I’ve chatted with is gay which makes sense because my blog is about me being gay and how it is impacting my life.

Recently though I received a chat request from a guy named James.  I accepted and naturally assumed I was going to be chatting someone who reads my blog and had a similar experience coming out.  I was soon surprised to learn he was straight.  Further investigation revealed that within the last year he had  separated from his wife after she told him she was a lesbian.  Recently he had been trying to convince his wife to read both mine and Anginae’s blog so she could see that coming out to your spouse does not immediately lead to divorce.  He is deeply in love with his wife and desperately wants her to come back to him.  I wish I had something positive that I could say to him with regards to their marriage.  A marriage is a two way street and if one person want’s out, I don’t think it can reasonably kept together.

I’m more than happy to talk to James.  He’s a very nice guy and I wish there was some advice I could give to him that would help him feel a little better.  I guess the biggest piece of advice I can give to him is not to look to other couples as examples to live up to or try to emulate what some other married couple is doing.  No two marriages are exactly alike and for someone to say to their spouse  “look how this couple is doing it” adds further pressure to be something he or she may not be.  I’ve done it many times to myself.  I sometimes hear from married men who are gay but have no desire to be with a man or  something to that effect.   That’s great and I wish I could honestly say the exact same thing…..oh man this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just feel that way, but I can’t and for whatever reason neither could James’ wife (although she’s gone much further with this than I have).   While I’ve never heard a word of her side of this, I’m sure in many ways she wanted nothing more than for her marriage to her husband to take away the desire to be with a woman (or did at one time at least) but despite her love for her husband it did not.

I have a great deal of sympathy for both of these people.  Coming out to a spouse is often times a no win situation for either person in the marriage, at least in the near term.   If I could give him some answers then maybe I could give some to myself.  I don’t want to leave Anginae like James’ wife chose to leave him.  That does not give me the answers that I need.  I don’t know how to choose between married life or being gay and right now Anginae does not seem to be asking me to make that choice.  She is a part of my life that I never want to give up.  I also no longer want to fight being gay; it is a tiresome fight and I don’t want to do it anymore.   I don’t know how being gay will fit into my life, but I feel that at some point I will need to know what being with a man is like.  I don’t know how long it will be before that happens but right now I can’t give up on that thought.   I genuinely hope that need or desire goes away at some point, but it’s been there for nearly 20 years and has never left me, so I don’t hold out much hope that it ever will.

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Well I guess I was due for one of my minor meltdowns.  I have not been getting online for weeks and I came very close to deleting this blog and close my email account.  Regular readers of this blog should be used to it by now.  It’s been a little while since I’ve done this, and I’m sure this one won’t be the last either.  I guess the word meltdown isn’t really the right way to put it.  I think calling it a funk is a better way to put it.  I’ve been pretty closed off for the last couple of weeks; not affectionate or talkative.  I don’t know what causes it exactly, but this time it was a combination of things.  Work was getting to me for a little while but is better for the time being.  I like the job a lot, but I put a lot of expectations on myself and I don’t want to fall short and I often feel that I do.  Also things with my dad never seem to go completely away.

As usual that wasn’t what was getting to me the most.  I don’t know if it really had anything specifically to do with it being one year since coming out to Anginae.  I think it was more just a combination of not talking about things and keeping it to myself.  Keeping things inside always has a way of getting to you over time.  I always feel selfish talking about it, especially when times are so busy.  With all that is going on in our lives, worrying about being gay is not the top of the priority list, at least it should not be.  I don’t want to burden Anginae with it when she has so many other things to worry about.  This is not something she has ever said, it’s just how I feel.

Oh well, I’m still on here for now.  Until I go through all this again.  I don’t know when but I’m sure I will.  One of these days I’m sure I wipe this whole blog out.  At least that would spare you all from my annoying loop I seem to be in at times.

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