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Posts Tagged ‘coming out’

So here I sit alone in my own apartment. Yes, that’s right, I’ve moved out. As of Jan 15th I signed a least on a 1 bedroom apartment and here now I am. It’s a nice place and I’m a lot closer to work. I’m not here all the time. I still head home and see the family at least every couple of days and the kids have already stayed here overnight with me. It’s change and it requires an adjustment by all, but we are doing the best we can.

I haven’t posted much mainly because there has been so much going on, but let me say much has happened in the last month or so. I can possibly say that for those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time, the last few weeks have seen changes that for many of you, including myself, probably thought would never happen.

The divorce petition was officially filed December 30. We now have a minimum 90 day wait to make it final however we may not push that. Some of it depends on ironing out some details like insurance for Anginae and stuff, but all the details of the settlement will be completely amicable.

Just as big of news is that I’m officially outed to most all of my immediate family. Anginae’s parents were first. They had not taken the divorce new’s well and were basically taking it all out on her. The truth settled it all, and to my amazement have been nothing but loving and compassionate towards us both. My parents were next; told them on New Years Day. They were shocked to say the least, but the divorce has been much harder to take than me being gay. Anginae’s prediction that my mother would be the only one to try and talk us out of it after hearing the full story has been true. She’s still coming to terms with it but will in time. My grandfather and aunt and uncle were next. I told my grandpa, and Anginae told my aunt and they informed a couple of my cousins. My grandfather has proven to me more than I already knew that he is an amazing man and my aunt, uncle and cousins have been accepting as well. There are a few other close friends and family that know, and so far without exception all have been open and supportive of Anginae and I. Despite all that has happened, I could not be luckier to have such a loving wonderful family in all of this. It’s the people that I’m not as close to that worry me now. The have more room to judge and not be as open, but only time will tell. All I can say is so far so good.

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Christmas Carol

Well I’ve found a new Christmas song that seems pretty appropriate for me this year. I’m not gonna go into great detail right now. Suffice to say that the number of people I’m out to is growing and will continue to do so in a big way over the next few days most likely. Anyway a guy I’ve been chatting with some recently suggested I check this out. I found it very fitting so I felt I just had to share. Enjoy and Merry Christmas to you all this year.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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One More Time

You may recall some time ago I set up a couple of online accounts to try and meet a guy online.  I met a few nice guys to talk to but,  never made it any further than chatting online.  I was trying to take things nice and slow and didn’t get to the point of actually meeting someone in person.  I started my search after talking it over with Anginae.  She had said she was open to me trying to meet a guy and we had talked it over some before I started.  After a while it became apparent that we just were not ready for me to do something like that.  She started to have some issues with me being online and soon after that I fell into one of my “I’m not gay” slumps.   Soon after that I’ve deleted all my accounts that I had set up and that was it.

So here I am months later giving it another go.  I think this time will be a little different.  This time Anginae has been a bit more encouraging for me to try it.  I don’t know how it’s gonna turn out this time but I’m very curious to find out.  I’m still going to take it pretty slowly though.  So far I’ve put out one ad on Craigslist the other day and I was surprised with the response.  I got about 30 or so emails to what I thougth was a pretty boring ad.  I specifically stated I was did not want to hook up and that I was married with a family.  Of couse I deleted at lease half of the responses right away.   Including the size of your cock (or a pic) got you tossed and some guys were a little too old (there I go with the age thing again).  I replied to about 15 or so of the responses and so far I’ve chatted with about 7-8 of the guys on Yahoo Messenger.  Some of them seem pretty nice so far.  I’m still planning on taking things pretty slowly and being careful.  It’s hard to know who you can meet online and I don’t want to do anything too stupid.  I’ll keep you posted on how things go.

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Writer’s Block

Once again sorry for long gap between posts.  Just busy with life on top of a small case of writers block.  I’ve got no shortage of things to blog about, just not clear how I want to lay out my thoughts right now.  I’m pretty much outta my funk now, but things are so hectic around here it’s hard really have a clear mind about anything.  The days are filled with work, driving to and from work, try to help Anginae around the house the best I can and see the kids a little before bed.  By then we both just kinda crash on the couch or try to do a few things around the house before we go to bed .  This week Anginae has had a cold and now she has a stomach virus.  On top of that, I’ve now got the cold along with our daughter.  We had Halloween and 2 more soccer games to get through, then birthdays, Thanksgiving and finally Christmas.   Like many people, it’s gonna be nonstop until after the beginning of the new year.  Last but not least, work is going to be busier than ever to close the year out.

I’d like to blog some about the mood I was in for a few weeks but I just can’t seem to put it into words right now.  It all really boils down to a feeling of trying to be something I was instead of who I am.  I don’t know a better way to put it into words.  Being married and a father of two is something I was and still am today.  I’m not wanting to change that.  But I’m also gay and have pretty much known about my strong attraction to men for almost 20 years.  Accepting that means I may change some and not be the same person that I was before.  To accept that means I have to admit (and accept) the fact that I desire to have some sort of relationship with a man.  It’s not an ideal thing to admit for a marriage but I didn’t come out because I was unhappy with Anginea or unhappy with our marriage.  I was unhappy denying myself of being who I am.  Its not about being unhappy with with what I have in my life but more with what I do not have.  It’s going to take time to figure out how to be who I am and I’m trying to be as patient about it as I possibly can.  It all gets back to this:  how to be married and be gay.

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Well I guess I was due for one of my minor meltdowns.  I have not been getting online for weeks and I came very close to deleting this blog and close my email account.  Regular readers of this blog should be used to it by now.  It’s been a little while since I’ve done this, and I’m sure this one won’t be the last either.  I guess the word meltdown isn’t really the right way to put it.  I think calling it a funk is a better way to put it.  I’ve been pretty closed off for the last couple of weeks; not affectionate or talkative.  I don’t know what causes it exactly, but this time it was a combination of things.  Work was getting to me for a little while but is better for the time being.  I like the job a lot, but I put a lot of expectations on myself and I don’t want to fall short and I often feel that I do.  Also things with my dad never seem to go completely away.

As usual that wasn’t what was getting to me the most.  I don’t know if it really had anything specifically to do with it being one year since coming out to Anginae.  I think it was more just a combination of not talking about things and keeping it to myself.  Keeping things inside always has a way of getting to you over time.  I always feel selfish talking about it, especially when times are so busy.  With all that is going on in our lives, worrying about being gay is not the top of the priority list, at least it should not be.  I don’t want to burden Anginae with it when she has so many other things to worry about.  This is not something she has ever said, it’s just how I feel.

Oh well, I’m still on here for now.  Until I go through all this again.  I don’t know when but I’m sure I will.  One of these days I’m sure I wipe this whole blog out.  At least that would spare you all from my annoying loop I seem to be in at times.

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One Year Ago

October 14, 2007.  I still don’t know exactly what made me tell Anginae.  The bigger mystery is how I brought myself to do it.  I don’t know how I made the words come out of my mouth.  I look back at the whole experience of sitting on the couch late on a  Sunday night and uttering one simple phrase, “I’m gay”, and the power it has to destroy lives.  It was selfish and it was foolish.

I regret saying it.  I wish I could take it back.  I can’t and I wont pretend that I can, so I have to deal with it now.  Telling Anginae has served no real purpose; it hasn’t advanced or improved my life or my families life.  It wasn’t fair for me to tell her this.  I’ve just got to work hard to honor a commitment to be the person I was before I told her.  I know it’s not easy but I’ll keep trying.

It will all be fine in time, there is no other choice.  I’m trying to get things back to normal as much as possible the way they were before 10/14/07.  I’m sure they will never be exactly the same, but I will try my best.  I know I have changed some and so has Anginae, but life must go on.  Hopefully the longer it goes the more I will forget about it.

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