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Posts Tagged ‘dad’

Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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Distant

I haven’t been the most loving and open person lately, and if you read Anginae’s blog, you can see that it’s getting to her.  I’m not very talkative, don’t have much desire to have sex and just not a real blast to be around in general (am I ever?).  It’s no one thing really and it has nothing to do with her.  Just a lot going on at the moment and I’m just not feeling very affectionate and open about things right now.  I don’t have any good reason for acting this way other than it’s just how I react to stress sometimes.  When things get to Anginae, she tends to want more affection and understanding.  I tend to go the opposite way when things get to me and I kind of clam up my feelings.  Not always but in this case that’s the mood I seem to be in.

It’s it’s a combination of work, extracaricular activities, my dad and a particular date coming up.  I would have to say that work has been weighing on me the most lately.  I like my job quite a lot, but some projects crept up on me and I’ve gotten behind.  I rightfully got straightened out by my boss and I’ve spent the last couple of weeks trying to get out of the whole I had gotten myself in.  It’s getting a little better, but I’ve got to do a better job not to let it happen again.  My dad has crept into my life a little again.  Nothing serious really, and I’ve had no direct contact with him, but as long as he is my father, he will always be an issue that never quite goes away.  Also, I’ve recently gotten myself into coaching my sons little leage soccer team.  I’m  not at all the athletic or coaching type by any means so I’m not very comfortable with the whole idea of what I’m doing.   The kids haven’t won many games (no thanks to me) but they seem to be having fun.  I’m glad they seem to enjoy it but I will be glad when it’s all over in a few weeks.  Last but not least is one year is coming up.  I don’t have a lot to say about that right now, in part because I really don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t know when I’ll get out of this mood.  I don’t really know all that is causing me to feel this way.  I’m not trying to be a pain in the ass or act like a loveless jerk to Anginae.  I just don’t seem to be very good a being a caring loving husband right now.  I wish I had a better reason and could make myself get over it.  Like many things, it probably will in time.

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It’s seems that I’ve given a bit of a wrong impression with some of my posts.  This blog is NOT about the issue of homosexuality.  It is NOT about how I believe that homosexuality is wrong and should be shoved into the dark corners of society.  It is NOT how I believe that people should work to change themselves to fit an image of what society wants them to be.

I know what the pages of this blog contain.  I’ve written them so I should know.  I can see how my words could give that impression, and for that I am sorry.  I would hope that any man or woman, no matter that age, that stumbles across this blog would see my struggles and would see that it is best to choose the path to be who you are and not try to change yourself.  If your gay, don’t try to change yourself.  End of story.  It’s not gonna happen.  I’m not making any suggestions on how to live life being gay, I’m still trying to figure that out myself.  But do what makes you happy.

My struggle with homosexuality is purely about my own self conflict I have in life.  Despite what it may sound like, my self esteem issues do not revolve around being gay.  I don’t dislike myself because I am gay.  I dislike myself for many other reasons.  I’ve probably done a poor job of mixing my self loathing in with being gay.  That is not the case.  My self esteem issues date back to when I was a very young child.  Well before I was even aware of what being gay was.  This blog is about how to reconcile the fact that I am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that I truly care about.  Plus I’ve mixed in the relationship with my father, which is probably a more powerful influence on my life than being gay.

I have a wife, I have two wonderful children and I’m gay.  I’m just now starting to learn how to blend all of them together.  I love my wife, want her to be happy and want to take care of her.  I also know I want to be part of her for the rest of my life.  I also have an irrevocable duty to love and protect my children.  Something I take very seriously.  I do not need to protect my kids from homosexuality.  I do have to protect my children from narrow minded individuals that may direct their negative feelings about gays towards them.  As they get older that will change and they will have to learn to deal with all parts of society, but at such a young age, now it not the time.

I smart enough to have perspective on my problems.  Coming out in the middle of red state Oklahoma is not an idea I relish, but will eventually have to get used to, but it pales in comparison to some of the experiences other homosexuals I’m sure have had to deal with.  It’s not Uganda, it’s not Kenya, it’s not Iran or Afghanistan.  I will not likely face any sort of persecution for being gay.  I have not lost any of my friends and loved ones to AIDS.  I know that what I may face coming out pales in comparison to what others that have preceded me have experienced.

I’m not the first man who’s ever traveled down this path.  There are many unknowns down that path and I’m scared to death what those may be.  Don’t confuse my fear of what my life holds for me if I live my life as a gay man with a fear of homosexuality.  The greatest lesson I hope I could ever give to anyone is be happy with who you are.  That’s all I’m trying to do for myself.

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Well, as I warned a few weeks ago, I’m not gonna be very good about posting regularly.  It’s been a busy few weeks.   I’m still gay, still married, still the father of two kids, and still gainfully employed, so nothing new there.

The new job is going well so far.  I really like the work I’m doing and I like my boss and the people I work with.  There is a great deal for me to learn.  I’m got a job that allows me to used my degree quite a bit more, but I’m way out of practice on top of the fact that it is an entirely new industry that I have no experience in.  I’m sure you wondering how I got hired, but Anginae seems to think my boss really likes me (not like that!), and I don’t know why.  I’m a nice guy, but nothing special.

Hhhmmmm, other boring news, I finally was able to talk Anginae into getting a new car.  I made her part with her second Subaru.  This time we traded her ’06 Outback for a ’08 Civic EX Sedan.  It’s nice, but less expensive than the Outback.  Plus it’s will average us about 30 mpg which is about a 20% improvement.  I think she really likes it.  It’s a black pearl color has a moon roof which I always wanted.  Had it for about 2 weeks now and I was very proud to average about 33 mpg driving it last weekend.

Speaking of last weekend, I think Anginae had a nice mothers day.  I tried to dress up nice for her in a dress shirt and my blazer to go to church, which she really liked. I don’t dress up for her and she likes it when I do so I tried to look good for her.  The kids fixed her Smore’s Poptarts in bed for her and got her a box of candy.  I surprised her with a new 4 GB Ipod Nano and downloaded the Foxboro Hottubs (aka Green Day; Anginae’s fave) on it for her.  This will go well with her new car since it has a jack to plug in and listen to her Ipod.  Overall it was a busy day visiting family, but I think it was a good day for her.

Still trying to keep up exercising.  Not doing as well since my new work schedule doesn’t give me as much time.  I have a hard time dragging my ass out of bed early in the morning before I go to work and it’s hard to get up off the couch at night once we sat down from getting the kids in bed.   I’ve been able to exercise about 2-3 times a week for the last few weeks which is better than nothing I guess.  I’m got to accept I’m never going to be a “fit” guy, but I will just have to live with various levels of being out of shape!

Since I’ve left my old job I’ve not spoken to my father at all.  It’s been over a month now and this is by far the longest period I’ve ever gone without speaking to him.  I have very mixed emotions about this.  On the one hand, it’s a relief to not be dealing with him and everything that went along with our relationship, but on the other I just can’t help but wonder if I’m doing the right thing.  My son graduated from kindergarten tonight and my dad was there.  I didn’t see him, and he came because Anginae sent him and email letting him know when it was happening.  I’m glad I didn’t see him and know he was there until after it was over.  At this point in my life, I’ve decided I don’t want a relationship, and he clearly indicated they want no relationship with Anginae.  But I’m unsure what obligation I have to ensure the grandparent to grandchild relationship I need to provide for. Our kids don’t really bring them up, so I don’t know how much they notice their absence.  How do make sure my kids have a relationship with him, when I don’t want one, and is it my responsibility to provide one?  Questions that will take a little time to figure out I’m sure.  I’ll just try and enjoy not having that stress of dealing with them for now.

Well this turned out to be a little bit longer of a post than I intended.  And it’s all edge of your seat kinda shit for you to read.  I’ve got lots of things in my head I’d like to post, if I only had the time.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.

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First Week Over

Well week one of my new job is over.   So far its been pretty good.  It’s been extremely busy to say the least.  It’s been a 50+ hour workweek so far, which isn’t really too far by many standards, but when I tack on my commute, it’s been pretty long.  I got home at 6 pm on Tuesday, and my boss let me go home about an hour early because I had a 12+ hour day the night before and on Friday he know I would be there a bit longer.  It was a 10+ hour day today so I’m glad for the weekend.  It’s been a bit crazy because my boss is going on vacation next week and so he wanted to try and get as much crammed into me as possible so I will have plenty to do next week.

I really like my boss, but he is an intense guy to say the least.  He knows his business very well and cares a great deal about his company.  He can go about a 100 mph so it’s hard to keep up.  He expects a lot out of his employees, but no more than he puts in himself.  I have a feeling I will get ripped up and down more than one time, but I will have to learn not to take it personally, because that’s how he is.  I’m making him sound bad, but he’s not.  He’s really nice, just very intense at times and can get easily wound up about stuff.  It’s a relatively small company, but there are a lot of people I really don’t know yet.  I really like all of the people I work with so far though.

It’s just going to take a little time for Anginae and I work out our new schedule.  We are both a lot busier now what with both of our new jobs.  It’s gonna take both of us a little while to adjust to my commute,  I don’t mind the driving, it’s just dealing with how much time it takes.  But I’m much happier where I am now and they are paying me pretty well to start off, so I know if I perform well, that will only get better.

BTW, I haven’t really heard a whole lot from anybody at my old job.  My dad certainly hasn’t called me for anything.  I’ve talked to my cousin a time or two and I think it will take a little time for things to settle into a routine there.  After talking to her, I’m still baffled by how unprepared my dad seems about me not being there.  I wish them all the best and think in time we will be better off not working together.

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Last Day

Well Nate said I had to blog about my last day at work so here goes. It’s been an interesting week to say the least and today was about the busiest day I’ve had in some time. I tried to go in late Thursday night, but when i pulled up to the office at about 9:30, my Dad was there working. He’s been gone on a skiing trip all week (which had made my last week kinda nice) so I guess he was there getting caught up after being back. The idea of working late at night with just me and my dad around so I turned around and headed home. I got up at 5am and went in early. I really didn’t want to sit around cleaning out my office with everybody around, so I got that and some other shit taken care of before everybody got there. I’ve kept my leaving pretty well under wraps. I of course gave my dad two weeks notice, and pretty much the only people who knew were the family that worked there. I imagined that before he left for his trip (with my step-bro-in-law who is the assistant manager) that they would let some other necessary people know. Well I get back from my 4-day weekend, and they have told no one. So I guess it was up to me to pretty much let everybody know, which by Thursday I have pretty much done. So that gave me one day, Friday, to try and get anybody that needed to know up to speed and how to try and do my job. It was a very busy day to say the least. And I top of everything else, I had more than my fair share of phone calls and ended my day as the last one there trying to solve a unusual crisis that I will have to make sure gets resolved this weekend. So I’m done but I still have work to try and finish up this weekend. I really can’t believe how unprepared my dad seemed to be for me leaving. I just think he couldn’t believe I was really gonna be gone. I don’t think is was something he could handle, and I don’t quite know how to feel about it. I really can’t figure him out at all. At the end of the day he says he didn’t really want me to leave, he just wanted to see the kids. After the last few months, he still just doesn’t get it. With the was he been acting towards me the last few months, what else did he want me to do. When he says that if we can’t figure out how to get along then he doesn’t see how we can work together, what choice did I have. The reaction of most of my coworkers made feel pretty good. The gave me a little party and some of the people I work with gave me a little goodbye gift. I get along with everybody there and most people couldn’t believe I was leaving. Also, many people were not looking forward to have to figure out and do everything that I do around there. So even though I knew, it’s nice to hear that you are really wanted. The only time I got emotional was when my grandpa (our company chairman) come up to give me a hug and, in tears, told me he would miss me and wished me well.

So that was pretty much it. It was a pretty busy and eventful day, but nothing terribly dramatic. It hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m gone. I think thats in part because it is not a completely clean break. I’ll still be taking some phone call and emails trying to help some of the people there with some questions. That’s really fine with me. I care a lot about the company and the people there and want to help them where I can. I’ll be away from there for good soon enough. I’m sure it will get better once this weekend is over and I start my new job.

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What Now?

So I resigned my my job. I gave my dad written notice on Monday. I start my new job on April 14th. I’m pretty excited and nervous at the same time about it. I think I will really like it there but I’m gonna have to bust my ass to get up the speed like they want. It will be nice to work for someone though where I can feel I know where I stand simply on my job performance and not an anything else.

But my Dad’s reaction and the subsequent days that have followed have made things a bit more muddled in my head. Have I really done the right thing. My head says hell yeah, but my guy or heart or whatever it is just is not so sure at the moment. I guess it should have been expected, but for some reason I did not anticipate feeling this way.

I’m left wonder what will happen between us after I’m gone. For the last 6 years, I’ve had nearly daily contact with him. We weren’t really close, but I was in his life. Before I started working there, I would call him at least once a week to see how things were going and just to keep in touch. We would see each other sometimes, but not a lot. But when I leave, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. At least not for a long time anyway. And since I’m not really interested in keeping in contact, I don’t know when or if things will ever get resolved. I don’t know how they will. If it were just a disagreement between he and I it might be different. But a lot of this issue is with my step mother, and I don’t see her changing anytime soon. Plus, with what they have said about Anginae, it makes it much worse. For me, it’s not so much what they said about her, but why they said it. It’s how they came to that conclusion. It’s how that can come out and say something like that about her when she has done nothing purposely against them. It’s how they can come to judge a person like that they never really know. I don’t know if or how we can ever regain their trust.

I think I’m basically just tired of fighting it right now. I’m done with trying to figure out and working on my relationship with him. I’m done feeling like I need to be a certain way and act a certain way to make them happy. I guess that’s been the story of my life over the last few months. After coming out to Anginae, I’ve given up on some big battles I’ve waged within myself all my life. I’ve decided to quit fighting being gay, decided that quit fighting the fact that I don’t believe in God and never really have been able to, and finally I’ve quit fighting trying to fit into a family that I have never really felt I belong. Fighting yourself is hard and tiring.

I don’t know what giving up on all these fights will mean in the end. Maybe they are fights that I’m supposed to fight. Those fights are part of life that all people must endure and I’m wrong for giving up on them. Maybe I’m weak. Maybe I’m lazy. I just don’t know.

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