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Posts Tagged ‘divorce’

So here I sit alone in my own apartment. Yes, that’s right, I’ve moved out. As of Jan 15th I signed a least on a 1 bedroom apartment and here now I am. It’s a nice place and I’m a lot closer to work. I’m not here all the time. I still head home and see the family at least every couple of days and the kids have already stayed here overnight with me. It’s change and it requires an adjustment by all, but we are doing the best we can.

I haven’t posted much mainly because there has been so much going on, but let me say much has happened in the last month or so. I can possibly say that for those of you that have been reading my blog for a long time, the last few weeks have seen changes that for many of you, including myself, probably thought would never happen.

The divorce petition was officially filed December 30. We now have a minimum 90 day wait to make it final however we may not push that. Some of it depends on ironing out some details like insurance for Anginae and stuff, but all the details of the settlement will be completely amicable.

Just as big of news is that I’m officially outed to most all of my immediate family. Anginae’s parents were first. They had not taken the divorce new’s well and were basically taking it all out on her. The truth settled it all, and to my amazement have been nothing but loving and compassionate towards us both. My parents were next; told them on New Years Day. They were shocked to say the least, but the divorce has been much harder to take than me being gay. Anginae’s prediction that my mother would be the only one to try and talk us out of it after hearing the full story has been true. She’s still coming to terms with it but will in time. My grandfather and aunt and uncle were next. I told my grandpa, and Anginae told my aunt and they informed a couple of my cousins. My grandfather has proven to me more than I already knew that he is an amazing man and my aunt, uncle and cousins have been accepting as well. There are a few other close friends and family that know, and so far without exception all have been open and supportive of Anginae and I. Despite all that has happened, I could not be luckier to have such a loving wonderful family in all of this. It’s the people that I’m not as close to that worry me now. The have more room to judge and not be as open, but only time will tell. All I can say is so far so good.

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Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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Looks Like When

Anginae signed the divorce petition Monday. We have decided to hold off on filing it until after the holidays are over but the decision has been made. We are not waiting because we are not ready but more because we don’t want to have to put up with telling everybody right now.

Anginae says that Monday was one of the happiest days she has had in a while. Knowing that put a smile on my face. The last two years together have not been difficult. Sure there have been some stressful times as we learned to cope with this, but now there is some closure to all of this. What would be the outcome of our marriage was always something there hanging over us. Now that we have come to this decision we can now more easily move forward. Sure there are going to be some sad and difficult moments ahead but we are not losing each other. This is just another step in the transformation of our relationship.

I’ll be honest. I am scared. This decision is going to cause many things to happen. First off will be telling my mom and stepdad. They are our only hope of parental support in all this. Anginae told her parents about the divorce an they are pissed to say the least. If they knew the full reason why it would be even worse. I of course don’t have my father to go to (and don’t want to) so I’m going to putting a lot of pressure on my mom to help us through this. I can’t help but feel she owes me this. There is working out the whole financial and living situation. Anginae is looking for more work and I will give her all the support I can. I think after the first of the year I will also start looking for a small place of my own closer to work. I’m conflicted as to whether to disclose to my boss why I am getting divorced. I know it seems like none of his business but it is a small company and I’d rather come clean instead of him somehow finding out. Finally there is a matter of my boyfriend. I like DMc a lot but I’m not sure he is up to the task of being with me right now. I don’t want to end it with him but I need a boyfriend that can be a support to me in all this. All I can do is hope he shares some of the same feelings I have for him, but if not I may have to make the tough decision and move on.

So this is it I guess. We are starting another chapter in our lives; one that I still can’t believe is happening. It is a mixture of many emotions ranging from sadness to excitement. The best part though is I will still have her in my life. I’m not losing her we are just settling into a different type of relationship. Despite how hard this is going to be, that thought alone makes a world of difference.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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My Point of View

As some of you know, I have an open invitation on my blog to chat with me online.  I’ve got my Yahoo email address listed and I’ve had the opportunity to chat with a number of people who read this blog.  Some of the people I’ve met through here have become pretty good friends.  Almost everyone I’ve chatted with is gay which makes sense because my blog is about me being gay and how it is impacting my life.

Recently though I received a chat request from a guy named James.  I accepted and naturally assumed I was going to be chatting someone who reads my blog and had a similar experience coming out.  I was soon surprised to learn he was straight.  Further investigation revealed that within the last year he had  separated from his wife after she told him she was a lesbian.  Recently he had been trying to convince his wife to read both mine and Anginae’s blog so she could see that coming out to your spouse does not immediately lead to divorce.  He is deeply in love with his wife and desperately wants her to come back to him.  I wish I had something positive that I could say to him with regards to their marriage.  A marriage is a two way street and if one person want’s out, I don’t think it can reasonably kept together.

I’m more than happy to talk to James.  He’s a very nice guy and I wish there was some advice I could give to him that would help him feel a little better.  I guess the biggest piece of advice I can give to him is not to look to other couples as examples to live up to or try to emulate what some other married couple is doing.  No two marriages are exactly alike and for someone to say to their spouse  “look how this couple is doing it” adds further pressure to be something he or she may not be.  I’ve done it many times to myself.  I sometimes hear from married men who are gay but have no desire to be with a man or  something to that effect.   That’s great and I wish I could honestly say the exact same thing…..oh man this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could just feel that way, but I can’t and for whatever reason neither could James’ wife (although she’s gone much further with this than I have).   While I’ve never heard a word of her side of this, I’m sure in many ways she wanted nothing more than for her marriage to her husband to take away the desire to be with a woman (or did at one time at least) but despite her love for her husband it did not.

I have a great deal of sympathy for both of these people.  Coming out to a spouse is often times a no win situation for either person in the marriage, at least in the near term.   If I could give him some answers then maybe I could give some to myself.  I don’t want to leave Anginae like James’ wife chose to leave him.  That does not give me the answers that I need.  I don’t know how to choose between married life or being gay and right now Anginae does not seem to be asking me to make that choice.  She is a part of my life that I never want to give up.  I also no longer want to fight being gay; it is a tiresome fight and I don’t want to do it anymore.   I don’t know how being gay will fit into my life, but I feel that at some point I will need to know what being with a man is like.  I don’t know how long it will be before that happens but right now I can’t give up on that thought.   I genuinely hope that need or desire goes away at some point, but it’s been there for nearly 20 years and has never left me, so I don’t hold out much hope that it ever will.

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There Is A Difference

How is me wanting to be with a guy any different than me wanting to be with another woman, other than the obvious difference there. I mean, how is my open desire with my wife to be with a man any different than if I told her I wanted to be with a woman? Well I guess it won’t shock anyone to know that I think it is. Now before you dismiss me as being full of shit (because I’m almost inclined to do that myself) let me explain a bit.

If I desired to be with another woman, that would somehow mean that there is some sort of shortcoming or problem that I have with the woman that I have. That of course is not the case with me. If a man cheats on his wife with another woman, something is broken somehow in the relationship. Whatever it may be, something is not right between the couple. I don’t feel that is the case between Anginae and me. I came out to her because I could no longer hide that I was gay, and yes that includes my desire to be with a man. This desire did not get stronger because I was growing unhappy or unfulfilled by her, but the desire was not going away with time, and in fact was getting stronger. So my choices could have been to continue to hide and hope is subsides, or go further than I already had and cheat on her. I think I made the right choice by telling her.

Anginae and I have two main choices in front of us, stay together or divorce. She does not want to leave me or want me to leave her. I can’t and won’t try to change her opinion. I want her to be happy and if that meant finding a straight guy to be with then I want that for her. I don’t want her to leave my life or move on from her. If you feel that she’s afraid to move on with her life well that’s your opinion. She’s had her visions of her entire future turned upside down and I’m not gonna tell her how she’s supposed to move on from that. If she says she wants me here for that then I will be. I’ve told her basically what I want. She could say get the hell out, no fucking way, or she could take the approach she is taking. I’m not forcing this decision on her. I’ve tried to express my desires to her the best I can and she is making this decision. The approach we may be taking is not that different that Chis at My Journey Out.  No, I’m not moving off to Europe to find a boyfriend half my age, but he and his wife are still married.  She does not want to find a new man/husband and he sees no reason to divorce her.  It’s not a perfect solution but one that for them, at least for now, works.

I don’t know how this chapter we are starting is going to end.  I can say for 100% certainty that I don’t want it to end with our relationship ending.  I’m trying to be as honest with her as I can.  I’m not a guy who has been confused with his sexuality all these years and finally realizes he’s gay.  I’ve know for a long time and it’s something I’ve wanted for a very long time.  I’m doing my best not to pull Anginae along too fast.  It’s hard but I’m trying.

I’m sorry if I’m letting all of you down by considering meeting a guy.  I’ve let myself down in a lot of ways.  I’m proud of the fact that so far I’ve pretty much been faithful in my marriage.  Things have changed now.  We could get divorced or stay together.  I want her to stay in my life and she still wants me.  Just because I want to meet another man doesn’t me she has to want to.  Getting divorced won’t make me want to be with another man more than I do right now and if she doesn’t want to find one for herself, I don’t see the reason to get one.

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Those are pretty much the exact works of Anginae the other night. These words from the same woman who the other day said that she’s tired of me being gay. I wish she cold make up her damn mind (just kidding).

Sad thing is that she is probably right. I’ve been in a bit of a funk most of last week. It was a damn busy week at work and I was tired, but her last couple of posts just got to me a bit. Plus all of the comments I have received got to me a little as well. Don’t get me wrong. I love and really appreciate all of the comments that I get, so please don’t stop, and I am no way griping about what Anginae posted. It’s her blog and she needs to write whatever she is feeling. I didn’t react to it, but it’s hard to see her be down and it not affect me.

I’ve had some long, thoughtful comments to some of my recent posts and so has Anginae.  Eric especially has had many good points.  I’m really a bit at a loss for words at what to say about all this.  I’m gay. I know it and I’m not gonna be able to change it and Anginae is not asking me to change it either.  So we’ve gotta figure out how to deal with it.  It may take a while for the exact right answer to show itself, but we are trying to work on one that will suit us for now

In a way I’m really trying to select from the lesser of bad options.  The one ideal choice, stop being gay, is unfortunately not an option.  So I gotta figure out how to be gay now.  I can’t go back in the closet either really.  I’ve let that genie out of the bottle and it can’t go back in.  I’m gay and I want some sort of relationship with a man.  So what do I do about that.  There are no really good options really.

I am not forcing Anginae into our current relationship.  If she felt she could be happier by finding another man then I would do my best to support that.  I’m not trying to keep her around for cover and make myself look straight.  She says she has no desire to find another man, she only wants me.  I don’t see any reason for her to be lying about that.  I’m not looking to get rid of her.  I did not come out to her because I was unhappy with her.  I came out to her because I could no longer hide my desire to be with a man from her.  Many people suggest we should get a divorce.  At this point, I don’t see how that would solve any problems for us.  If she wanted to pursue another relationship, then that option might be on the table.

I don’t like the idea of being unfaithful to her.  There’s a reason I’ve never cheated on her.  I think it is wrong.  Things have changed a bit now.  I’m not doing this behind her back.  I’m not doing something we haven’t talked about.  If I decide to meet a guy, then she will be the first to know.  If it happens, it will be hard.  I don’t know how we will handle it.  I’m not going to lie to her and say that I don’t want meet a guy though.  I feel like shit for saying it, but I can’t deny it, but the other choices at this point don’t look any better than this.  We are trying to do this together, not just for the benefit of our kids, but for each other.  We both care about each other and I want her to be happy.  I’m trying to do my best to be gay and also make her as happy as I can.  She is offering to sacrifice a lot for my happiness.  I owe her a lot for that.

I wish I could change myself or what I want but I can’t.  Sometimes all of life’s choices aren’t ideal.  Exactly what we want is not always an option.  The old saying “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade” is a bit of an understatement in this situation.  I’ve basically handed Anginae a pile of shit and now shes trying to deal with it the best she can.  It’s not what she wanted or asked for.   Hell it’s not what I wanted or asked for.  I hid the fact that I was gay when I met her, when I married her and now I’ve told her.  I lied and I can’t change that.  I’m not trying to undo the last 13 years together.  I’m trying to make choices now that work for both of us the best they can.  She’s right that I’m probably right that I’m more fun when I’m gay.  The last month or so since I’ve not tried to change myself, I have been a bit more at ease with myself.  I’m a bit happier not trying to wish something else of myself for one of the first times in my life.   Don’t get me wrong, I would make myself straight in a heartbeat if I could, but I can’t, so I’m going to do the best I can at being gay.  That includes trying to be as honest with myself and with Anginae as I can.

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