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Posts Tagged ‘kids’

Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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Kiss & Tell

Things continue to move along for both me and Anginae.  I’m not really going to go into any details about her (since she told me not to) but I can say all I want about me.

I shared the details of my first gay date and all that went on that evening.  Since then I’ve met Rub for lunch a couple of times and also went on a couple more dates.  The lunches have been just that, lunch.  I only have 45 min or so and that’s taking a long lunch so all we really get a chance to do is talk for a few minutes.  It’s nice but its short and sweet.

Our second date however is where things got a little more interesting.  It’s not so much where we went this time, but what we did….before the date really even started.   Let me just say that I have gathered more evidence that I really may be gay.  To put it bluntly, we made out, took off our clothes, he sucked my dick, I sucked his dick, we jerked each other off and to top it off, Rub shot is cum all over my chest.  Then we went out and had pizza.  Enough details for ya?

Second date proved just as interesting.  I met Rub after work the other night along with a friend of his at a nearby lake where Rub’s friend had pulled his ski boat out of storage for the first time this summer.  We pent a little time on the water before grabbing some dinner, changing and heading yet again to the same bar from a couple of weeks ago for karaoke.  Rub was going only to meet his sister-in-law and we wind up staying until they shut the place down.  Way too long for the both of us but he did not want to leave her behind.  We get to our motel room at about 2:30 A.M. (he does not have a place right now really……long story) and we of course don’t go straight to sleep.  More of the same as above except I now get to check topping a guy off my bucket list.  So we finally get to sleep about 4 A.M. only for both of us to have to wake about at about 7 A.M. for each of us to get to work (spending the night with a guy, check #2 for the night).  I’m really hoping the next date we have is not quite as hectic.

In between all this Rub has come over to the house to meet Anginae and the kids.  She and the kids really like him a lot; hell he’s a great guy so I wasn’t at all surprised.  I was really happy with how the evening he came over here went.  The three of us wound up sitting on the back porch ’til about 11:30 on a Sunday night.  BTW, Anginae decided to throw in getting really drunk on vodka to make the evening fun for all.

So that’s pretty much the summary of events of what all that has gone down with since the last post.  Like I’ve mentioned lots has happened with Anginae as well, but I think she is going to keep that to herself.  It’s not my business to talk about it really other than to say I know all about it and I’m completely ok with it.  So long as she comes home safe, is happy and honest with me about everything, we are good.  I’m not going to get into my feelings about Rub here just yet.  I’ve got a lot to say about that, but right now I’m just in the mood to give all the dirty details.

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Catching Up

Hello blog, it’s been a little while.  Same old excuse really so you all know the drill by now.  Work, family (which includes baseball & t-ball right now), sleep and back to work.  Not complaining really.  I’ve got a good job that I like, I’m happy to be with my family when I can, and who does not like to sleep every now and then.  So as usual due to how busy I am, my blog and all my faithful readers are the ones to suffer.

I’ve had a little success with the Craigslist ad I posted a couple of times.  I’ve chatted with 2-3 pretty nice guys so far out of all the responses, and…hold on to your asses…..even called and talked to one guy on the phone.  It was a nice friendly (and short) conversation, but I’m sure I will be talking to him some more.  He seems like a very patient and understanding guy and I’ve enjoyed my chats with him so far.  I may post another ad and see if I get any more replies, but I probably won’t bother with Craigslist too much longer.

Anginae posted an ad as well and got some rather interesting responses.  She’s a little discouraged from it actually.   Even though she’s been pretty clear she’s not just looking for sex, some guys are hard to get the clue.  I guess some guys think the surest way to win a lady is the describe their cock to them (or better yet, send a pic of it).  I’ve told her that the best you can hope for one or two guys that are decent and worth talking to.  She’s just taking things slowly and seeing where it goes.

We are both being careful as possible about all this.  We are not keeping things from each other and being as open as possible about everything.  It’s not perfect and it’s not for everybody married couple but we are going to do what is best for us.

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Snow White & Grumpy

ski

Well as you may guess from the pic above I went skiing.  My very generous grandfather took me, the wife, kids and a good part of my immediate family (20+ people) on a skiing trip over spring break.  He paid for the whole thing including the airline tickets to get us there.  Everyone had a pretty good time and most everybody made it back in one piece with no major mishaps, although we later found out that one person came back with a minor broken bone after their last run down the hill of the whole trip.

I somehow got myself involved in planning most of the trip.  I handled most everything except the travel arrangements.  That meant booking all the rooms, equipment, lessons and lift tickets.  It was a little bit of work but I was happy to do it and it was a small price to pay for an all expenses paid trip.   The first day or two I was pretty wound up since I felt some responsibility to get everybody where they needed to be since I had arranged everything.  I figured by there 2nd day of the trip I could relax and enjoy skiing.  Instead I decided to be a pain in the ass to Anginae and the kids.

I have no good reason for my behavior.  To begin with, I felt bad leaving work while business is going so slowly at the moment so that bugged me.  The other is I guess I was a little disappointed they were not as much into skiing as I hoped they would.  I should have known.  Learning to ski is a lot of work and knowing my kids like I do, I should have expected them not to absolutely love it.  Anginae like it, but said it was a lot of work.  My daughter liked it but she is so young she could only do so much with one day of lessons.  My son said lessons were ok, but when we took him back out he fell a couple of times and was done for good.

I’m no great skier.  I’m pretty bad to be honest.  I’ve only been 3 times (including this trip) but I really enjoy it for some reason, despite the fact that I’m not athletic or coordinated at all.  I skied the first couple of days but spent the last day moping around and didn’t feel like skiing.  So there I was, surrounded by beautiful mountains, great weather, with my family and on a “free” ski trip and I was acting pissy towards Anginae and the kids.  I was rude to her and the kids.  I was a crummy husband and a crappy father.  I wish I had a good reason for acting the way I did but I don’t.   The day we left I felt better but then I was mad at myself for messing up Anginae’s trip and missing out on the last day I could ski.

I hope to try taking them on a ski trip again.  Even though Anginae and the kids were not crazy about skiing they really like being there.  I’ll just have to relax a little more and just let things happen instead of worrying about things going to plan.   By the way, I’ll give a bonus point to anybody that can guess where this pic was taken (excpet you Nate!).

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It’s seems that I’ve given a bit of a wrong impression with some of my posts.  This blog is NOT about the issue of homosexuality.  It is NOT about how I believe that homosexuality is wrong and should be shoved into the dark corners of society.  It is NOT how I believe that people should work to change themselves to fit an image of what society wants them to be.

I know what the pages of this blog contain.  I’ve written them so I should know.  I can see how my words could give that impression, and for that I am sorry.  I would hope that any man or woman, no matter that age, that stumbles across this blog would see my struggles and would see that it is best to choose the path to be who you are and not try to change yourself.  If your gay, don’t try to change yourself.  End of story.  It’s not gonna happen.  I’m not making any suggestions on how to live life being gay, I’m still trying to figure that out myself.  But do what makes you happy.

My struggle with homosexuality is purely about my own self conflict I have in life.  Despite what it may sound like, my self esteem issues do not revolve around being gay.  I don’t dislike myself because I am gay.  I dislike myself for many other reasons.  I’ve probably done a poor job of mixing my self loathing in with being gay.  That is not the case.  My self esteem issues date back to when I was a very young child.  Well before I was even aware of what being gay was.  This blog is about how to reconcile the fact that I am gay, and want to be gay while not harming people that I truly care about.  Plus I’ve mixed in the relationship with my father, which is probably a more powerful influence on my life than being gay.

I have a wife, I have two wonderful children and I’m gay.  I’m just now starting to learn how to blend all of them together.  I love my wife, want her to be happy and want to take care of her.  I also know I want to be part of her for the rest of my life.  I also have an irrevocable duty to love and protect my children.  Something I take very seriously.  I do not need to protect my kids from homosexuality.  I do have to protect my children from narrow minded individuals that may direct their negative feelings about gays towards them.  As they get older that will change and they will have to learn to deal with all parts of society, but at such a young age, now it not the time.

I smart enough to have perspective on my problems.  Coming out in the middle of red state Oklahoma is not an idea I relish, but will eventually have to get used to, but it pales in comparison to some of the experiences other homosexuals I’m sure have had to deal with.  It’s not Uganda, it’s not Kenya, it’s not Iran or Afghanistan.  I will not likely face any sort of persecution for being gay.  I have not lost any of my friends and loved ones to AIDS.  I know that what I may face coming out pales in comparison to what others that have preceded me have experienced.

I’m not the first man who’s ever traveled down this path.  There are many unknowns down that path and I’m scared to death what those may be.  Don’t confuse my fear of what my life holds for me if I live my life as a gay man with a fear of homosexuality.  The greatest lesson I hope I could ever give to anyone is be happy with who you are.  That’s all I’m trying to do for myself.

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Getting Better

I’m starting to feel much better. On Tuesday I was officially diagnosed with Influenza Type A. I’ll just call it the flu, but it sounds much more serious when the doctor puts it that way. He said I’m only the second patient he’s seen that had the flu shot (which I got at the end of Dec.) and come down with the flu. Lucky me. I was diagnosed just inside the 48 hr. window to prescribe Tamiflu. Took it on Tues. night and miraculously I have felt much better since Wed (I know the stuffs not supposed to work like that, so I really don’t know why I felt better so quickly). I’m back at work today, yippee. Anginae didn’t get the pleasure of getting any Tamiflu, but she is starting to feel better today. I took our son to the doc Wed, but he did not test positive for the flu but did have an ear infection (Anginae still insists he had the flu). He went back to school today too. Our daughter acted like she might be getting sick last night, but seems to be doing just fine today so maybe she will get lucky.

So being sick pretty much dominated our whole week. We all have a one day week to put up with and now here we are with the weekend upon us. No big plans this weekend. I don’t know what we’ll do but I know we are all dying to get out of the house. The kids are probably going crazy with us (as we are with them) so I’m sure some grandparent-to-grandkid time may be in order for all of us.

Even though I’m starting to feel better, I’m still in a bit of a funk.  I think it is a combination of a lot of things.  I didn’t handle spending six straight days at home gracefully.  Yes it was nice being away from work.  As a funny aside, when they took my blood pressure at the doc on Tue is 111/68.  Most of my life it’s typically been that low, despite my family history of high b.p.  Except since coming out and the falling out with my dad it’s been quite a bit higher.  So being away from the office for two days dropped by b.p. by almost 25 points!

By Wednesday this week I had no patience for anybody, especially the kids.  Anginae is very frustrated with me because I can’t seem to make up my mind on my work situation.  I’m just down about it because I have lost my motivation to do anything about the current situation.  So I’m just one bit pity party at the moment.  She’s tired of having to put up with me acting this way, and feeling like she has to keep me up.  I’ve just lost my patience for finding a resolution to some of my problems so feel like just giving up a bit.  I won’t, but it’s just how I feel right now.

Hopefully we’ll have a good weekend and by Sunday night I’ll be ready to feel optimistic about finding new work.  I’m the only one who can resolve the situation I’m in, it’s just going to take work (and time).  Unfortunately I tend to be lazy (and impatient).

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