Posts Tagged ‘love’

I Fell

But I did not hurt myself. I’ve fallen in love with Scooter. Fallen pretty hard in fact. I tried so hard for as long as I could to keep my emotions in check but I failed. I caved and gave into them. I don’t know why I try so hard to keep myself a closed off person. It took well over a year before I ever mustered the nerve to say those words to Anginae, although saying it (and knowing it) at age 16 is much different than at age 34.

Scooter said he basically fell for me at first site. Due to his relationship status at the time he didn’t quite know what to do about it. He officially ended his relationship with his ex just two weeks after we started seeing each other (they had been having problems for a long time). Scooter is doing his best to move on from his ex now and I can’t really ask him to do any more than he already has. He is still friends with his ex (they are still roommates….separate rooms!) and I trust him, although I’d be lying if I said I was never a little jealous, but thats mostly my insecurities talking.

I work so hard to keep myself guarded person. I don’t know why but I’m always very self conscious about ever letting someone see my emotions. I guess being the shy person that I am I’m always afraid of being judged or mocked for the way I feel. When I first met Scooter I thought he was a really nice cute guy that I thought could be a good friend. However, he was in a relationship (it was an open relationship…I know how those can go) and I did not want to be “that guy” so I initially didn’t really want to allow myself to have any strong feelings for him. Shortly after I met him I discovered all was not well with his relationship, and things quickly took off from there.

The more I allow myself to give into my feelings the more that I love him, and the more I fall for him the more scared I get. I don’t know why, but falling in love put you in a very vulnerable position. It’s not that I don’t trust him or don’t believe that he loves me, but my insecurities and jealously can sometimes get the best of me.
Scooter has told me that I’m “the one”. He’s always been out so he’s had a much longer time to figure out what that is. I hope he’s right. I don’t know what “the one” is for me, but I don’t know what else I’m looking for. He’s a loving, caring man that’s crazy about me, appreciates who I am and what I do. We are similar in a lot of ways but also different enough to make things interesting.

Between family time and work I try to find every moment I can to be with him. Scooter has met my kids and I’m hoping that things will get to where time with the kids includes him as well, much like Anginae has with Bark. To the kids he is just a friend, but I hope in the not to distant future, they know him as more that just a friend to me. All I can say is I love every moment I get to spend with him.

So there it is, I’m in love with another man. After all these years I can hardly believe it myself. With this comes so many emotions. Happiness most of all but definite moments of anxiety and fear. Anxiety for what is yet to come and fear that somehow I will manage to scare this one away as well. If I do this one will hurt so much more than the previous two. I never had any feelings for either of them that approach how I feel about Scooter. I hope this is it for me; I truly hope he is “the one” for me. As I said though I mostly feel happiness. So many things melt away for me when he holds me in his arms or when we are together, stress and other not so fun thoughts seem to simply go away. I don’t wanna lose this one, and I’m gonna do everything I can to hold onto this feeling.

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