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Posts Tagged ‘me’

Most anyone who reads this blog would agree that I could have done with some professional help for quite a long time. After all this time I’ve finally broken down and done it. All it took was a little drama queen hissy fit that almost made me lose Scooter to finally convince myself to get professional help.

Now I have found a new regular doctor who prescribed me an anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication and I have also had one session with a therapist (and have the next one scheduled). I’ve been on the medication for almost 3 weeks now and so far I think it is working to mellow me out a little, although I’ve read it takes about 4 weeks or so to be fully effective. The first therapist session went alright but it was a little less than I had hoped. I was completely open and honest with my situation but I have had so much go on it’s hard to know where to begin with what I think I need to talk about. I started with my anxiety issues which I figured was as good a place as any to start. She ended the session by giving me some stuff to read on how to control my anxiety. I’ll give it a couple more sessions and see what happens.

After all that I’ve confronted over the last couple of years I really figured I was gonna be good. I thought I had done the things that would put me well down the road to fixing myself. Turns out my insecurities and lack of self confidence have grown when it comes to dealing with my new relationship. I sometimes have such a low self image of myself I don’t see how I can ever manage to keep him. It’s too good to be true that I have found Scooter and that somehow I can manage to make him happy. He’s always been openly gay and he’s dated a number of guys. I just don’t see how out of all the guys out there I can be “the one” for him. He makes me very happy, I just am so worried that I somehow won’t make him feel the same way.

This is all so new to me. My relationship with Anginae never felt like this for a lot of different reasons. With her we were of course young but it started as friendship and gradually turned into love. I never had the jealousy or lack of self confidence with her like I have had with guys. I think part of that was in the back of my mind I always felt that if she somehow left me I would be off the hook for having to come out to her. My big secret wouldn’t be so hard to figure out anymore. Now though, I have what I want firmly in my grasp and I’m so scared to lose it. I’m not jumping for the first guy that really falls for me. I”ve gotten really lucky and found the guy I want without having to wait and search for years. It happens and I don’t wanna mess up this chance.

Now that I have what I want and need I’ve got to do what I can to be a good boyfriend (partner or husband?) while continuing to be the best father (and ex husband) I can be. It took nearly throwing away what I have to show me I am still a broken person, but I’m going to try once and for all to fix myself.

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Hammer In One More Nail

Divorce petition was filed Dec 30, 2009. In the small town we live in the paper is weekly so it became public knowledge the following week. That’s how my father found out about the divorce. The day after I receive the following email from him:

Jay,
I have read about your divorce. I know that you are hurting. I want to you know that I love you, Son, and Daughter and if there is anything that I can do, I am here for you. I still want to see you and the kids very much.
Love, dad

And here is my reply to him:

Thanks for your concern. Our family is fine and will continue on, however, it will be in a different manner. I have been hurt by no one. I have changed and it is best for Anginae and I to move on in a different direction so both of us can be happy. Anginae has done more for me and shown me more love than any other person ever has. The divorce is a result of my actions, not hers; I have done the hurting, not her. I want to be clear, she is blameless in all of this.

I know you want to see me and this kids, but at this point in my life I am not ready for that. I am a happier and better person not having you in my life. I do not hate you and I am not angry with you, but I do not want to repair what is broken. I do love you and I want you to be happy, but that is going to have to be without me being a part of your life. I don’t know what will ever change how I feel, but all I ask is to be left alone to live the life that I have chosen and for you to do the same. I alone am the one responsible for this decision and no one has influenced me to feel the way that I do.

Again I do love you and I’m sorry for any hurt this causes you. None of this is intentional but I am doing what is best for me.

Jay

So that’s it. After almost two years this is the most I’ve said to him. I still have not seen him or spoken to him since my last day of working for him. I’m hoping he is now clear on how I feel. I did not intend for my reply to him to be harsh or hurtful, but clear and to the point. I brought up no old memories or past events, but tried to have a forward looking approach, as I am in my own life right now.

Notice how no mention of Anginae in all this, and as I found out a couple of days after I sent this, he is still sticking to his guns on wanting nothing to do with her. We are all still in the dark as to why he exactly feels this way. His attitude only reinforces my decision to move on and not be a part of his life. I truly do wish him the best and life and do love him, but that does not mean I have to want anything to do with him. I haven’t heard from him since my email so I think that may be the end of my relationship with him for the foreseeable future.

Lots more to talk about. Needless to say that much has gone on over the last few weeks. I’ll update you all as soon as I can. My life is making changes that months ago I would never have imagined. Please wish me and my family luck.

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I didn’t really acknowledge it on here this year, but the middle of last month was the 2nd anniversary of coming out to Anginae. The date came and went without fanfare as usual, except this year I had a date with DMc so I guess you could say it was a big change over last year. It still is an emotional date for me and I imagine in many ways it always will but I’m sure those emotions may change over time.

I bring this up simply because over two years a lot of things can change. Over the first 18 months things moved slowly with little real change in our marriage . Looking back, this was a good thing. That time gave us a chance to appreciate our relationship and understand better how much we truly mean to each other. However, the last 6 months things have moved much more quickly. I have had my experiences with Rub and now DMc. Anginae has experienced what its like to be desired by a straight man and even fallen pretty deeply in love.

We are now starting to see some of the complications our marriage adds to all of this. Because of that, we are now taking the first steps into getting a divorce. Neither one of us has said this is a definite thing, but at this point, I think both of us will be surprised if it does not happen. Nothing official has been done, and I don’t know when (if?) it will. We have met with an attorney (together) and started getting some questions we both have answered. We will probably wait until after the first of next year if we do anything, but I have a feeling by then we will have made up our mind. We have started to look for a smaller cheaper house for Anginae and the kids to live here and town, and once that’s done, I will look for a place to stay closer to work. I will still be here almost daily, for the kids and to see Anginae, but it this is the first step to moving on with our lives as friends, and not a married couple.

I have been with with Anginae most of my life…18 of my 33 years on this earth we have been a couple. Divorce is not and will not be the end of us but it will mean we are no longer a couple. This is something that will be difficult to grasp. She’s all I’ve known for so long, and despite the guys I’ve met over the last few months, I’m still closer to her than anyone else. Letting go of some things is going to be difficult to do, but even now she is needing her space from me to try and move on. It’s not all her either. I have to admit that it may be the best thing for me too. I really like DMc….a lot, but both our living situations make it hard to see each other. I would be lying if I said that many times I’ve wish I had a place much closer so that he could come and spend time with me. It’s a very difficult thing to admit for some reason. I feel like getting a divorce is quitting…giving up, but what is it I’m fighting for? I feel like I need to be fighting to keep this together for me, for her and for our kids. It’s hard to look past the difficulties that lie ahead in the near term and not see how it may be better for all of us in the long term. At least that is how I’m trying to look at things right now. It is gonna hurt, it is going to be hard, but both of us will be happier down the road.

Anginae is my wife and in my heart always will be. I will never love another woman like I love her. She will always be an important part of my live and I can only hope I can be an important part of hers. I still have a hard time believing it’s going to happen, but as each day goes on I see that day getting closer and closer. The one comfort I have is I’ve seen what divorce can be, and the bitterness and anger that can go with it. We don’t have that which makes this process much easier. I’ve said this many times to others, just as our marriage is different that most so will our divorce.

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Fuck You Facebook

I stayed the night last Tuesday night with Rub.  Was a nice evening.  He had been really tired from a busy day so I held him while he took a nap.  I was great and I enjoyed every minute laying next to him.  We go get something to eat and then off to the motel where we hung out and mess around a little (I get to give the the best blow job I probably ever given) then fall asleep about 2 AM.  Wake up Wednesday morning and off to work we go.  That’s the last time I’ve seen him.

Rub then goes to Arkansas on Thursday to meet some guys about buying the bar I mentioned in my last post and then later that night, goes from there to Texas to meet his cousin to spend some time on the lake.  He’s supposed to be back to Oklahoma on Sunday.  Sunday night comes, and no word from him.  Anginae texts him Monday morning and he’s on his way back home.  Hardly another word from him all day Monday.   I know he’s busy trying to catch up so I do my best to convince myself all is well.  Tuesday comes and goes and hardly any word except exchanging some very brief IMs.  I really miss talking to him but he says he’s still really busy so I do my best to be patient.  My way home from work, I call him….voicmail.  I text him and he at his moms house which has spotty cell coverage but he says he really wants to talk to me.  I tell him I miss him and feel a little better.  

I get home and find Anginae on the bed crying (she’s been really sick this week btw).  I of course ask her what’s wrong.  She asks, “has Rub not told you whats going on with him?”  I answer “Well no, he’s really busy right now”.  “Well go have a look at his Facebook page.  It says he’s in a relationship with LK (remember him from the last post?) and there are pics of him on there too.”  So I of course go look and what do you fucking know, there’s pics of LK along with his new relationship status.  It also show’s he changed his Facebook network from Oklahoma to Arkansas (he’s not moving though I’ve found out).  I send Rub one brief text message for the night to tip him off that I know what’s up, but no reply.

Needless to say I don’t get a lot of sleep last night.  I can’t exactly go through the range of emotions I was feeling.  I didn’t know how much of the last few weeks had been a lie.  I’ve never had to go through anything like this and I couldn’t believe it was all really happening.

So finally this morning I get talk to Rub and get the full story.  Turns out, he met with LK some while in AR on Thursday and went back to see him on Sunday night rather than coming straight home.  He did not do anything with LK while he was with me and so far I believe his story.  The relationship with LK came about very quickly, really in a matter of a few days and since he last saw me.

I also find out that things may not have been as o.k.  as I though last time I was with him.  Since I started seeing him, we discussed my situation with Anginae.  He had given it a great deal of thought and he felt he would be ok with it.  Turns out the the more he thought of it, the less ok he was with having to “share” my affections with someone else.  He wanted a guy he could come home to every night and I wasn’t going to be that guy.  I wasn’t completely surprised by hearing that; I’d warned him about it from the very beginning but it was eventually something he was no longer comfortable with.  I wish he’d given me some more time to work this all out with Anginae.  We were just figuring this out ourselves and we knew that there was a good chance that I might want to spend more time with Rub.  But he should not have to settle for what he wants from a relationship and I’m ok with that.

What hurts is how I found this out from his Facebook page.  We’ve only been seeing each other since the beginning of June, so it’s not like we are in a serious committed relationship, but he knew how I felt about him and I thought I knew how he felt about me.  I didn’t peg him at all as the kind of guy who would, one, meet a guy like this without telling me and two, wait almost two fucking days to tell me.  Of course he says he was busy doing many, many things (which I believe he was), but I feel he could have a least held off spending the 5-10 minutes it took him to upload pics and change his Facebook (and Myspace) status until he told me what was going on.  He didn’t and he admits it was a mistake.  

So that’s it’s really.  My relationship with Rub, short as it was, is now over.  He wants to still be friends, and as I’ve thought about it, think I might still want to be as well once I get over him.  He was a great guy and this hurts a lot.  He said some amazing things about me and what pisses me off is that once I finally convinced myself to believe the things he says about me, this happens.  All I can say is last night was like a kick in the teeth.

He was my first, and what sucks is that every guy I meet from here on out is gonna be measured against him.  Right now it’s hard to imagine any other guy coming close to what he was.  I never imagined this would go on forever but I didn’t want it to end so soon and certainly not the way that it did.

I have a feeling it’s going to take me a while to get over him.

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This Blog Sucks

I don’t know whats up with me and this blog. I don’t wanna get rid of it, but I don’t really seem to put in the time to keep it going. I’ve always really been drawn to the idea of people reading my story and commenting on what I write. Perhaps its because I’m vain and crave the attention. Who knows. I always enjoy checking to see how many views I have in a day, but over that last few months I’ve only hit more than 100 views in a day only once. Back last summer I hit that frequently, but when I post but once every other week or so like I do now, that’s bound drop off.

I don’t have anything of significance to update, things are pretty much as usual. I’ve got some little tidbits going on I may write about, and I’ll still have the 3 posts I mentioned several months ago to write about but that’s it really. Same ol’, same ol’ can be a good thing a way I guess.

I haven’t really been on the computer as much as usual lately. I haven’t chatted online with some of my friends as much over the last few weeks and haven’t had much of a desire to post on this blog. No good reason really other than I just felt like a break. It wasn’t from an un-gay spell or anything like that. Just felt like it I guess.

For any of you left out there that care, I’ll try to do a better job of posting more often. I won’t promise but I’ll try. I like it here and don’t want to leave, but for some weird reason if no one is reading I don’t feel like posting.

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I’ll Do It Eventually

Well it looks like the winning post will be “Commitment”. It wasn’t overwhelming by any means but that one had the most votes (a whopping 3 votes I believe). It’s a post I’ve pretty much had in mind of writing for a while but haven’t gotten around to it. It’s the hardest one of them all to write and it’s one I have the most to say about. I’m still not sure what I’m gonna say or when.

The bigger part of that last sentence (at least as far as this blog is concerned) is when I write it. I just don’t seem to have it in my right now. I may be a little of the same reason why Anginae is not posting much either right now. She went two months between postings and I can understand why. To keep this blog going like I want it to takes some emotional energy that I just don’t care to expel right now. I try to avoid writing something just to say that I did, and since this blog has a theme to it, me dealing with being gay, I try to keep the posts on topic as much as I can. In light of that please excuse any long gaps between posts. I’m still here and I will try to write as often as I can. The post I had you all pick will come when I’m ready to write it, along with the other two that I mentioned.

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Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving and sorry for the long gap in posts.  As usual its a busy time with work, family and other stuff.  Truth be told some of my spare time has been spent chatting online (with Nate mostly) or watching movies on our new Dish Network HD system.

Not much to report really since the last post.  So much of what is going is just the everyday average normal stuff that its not too really exciting.  Had a good Thanksgiving today.  Saw most all my immediate family and had to stuff myself for two meals (had to come home and pop down some Tums).  Didn’t have to worry or deal with my dad at all so that was a bonus.  It was our oldest’s birthday today so that was nice as well although I feel for him when it falls on Thanksgiving since I think it takes away from it being his day but he didn’t seem to mind to much surprisingly.  Wife and I are going on a little holiday weekend getaway.  It’s just gonna be the two of us and I’m really looking forward to it.  We did it last year for a business trip of mine and this year there is no work so I’m sure it will be a nice relaxing time.

I know I whine and gripe a lot on here.  It’s my blog and thats what it can be an outlet for, but I know I have it pretty good.  Just comparing myself to other guys in my situation I know I have it lucky.  If Anginea had taken this muck differently I don’t think I could have happy Thanksgivings like this so easily.  I still have my family, a good job and my health so I don’t have much to bitch about really.  Being gay is an important part of who I am really, but it’s certainly not the most important part so that will figure itself out in time.  I just have to be careful no to make it the most important thing in my life and remember what is.

Thanks again to all you reading out there.  It’s all of you (I know there aren’t a lot of you) reading and keeping up with my story and responding to how things go that make me keep this blog going.  Yes it is a good outlet for putting down my feelings, but knowing others out there take a moment to care means a lot to me.

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