Posts Tagged ‘Self Confidence’

Most anyone who reads this blog would agree that I could have done with some professional help for quite a long time. After all this time I’ve finally broken down and done it. All it took was a little drama queen hissy fit that almost made me lose Scooter to finally convince myself to get professional help.

Now I have found a new regular doctor who prescribed me an anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication and I have also had one session with a therapist (and have the next one scheduled). I’ve been on the medication for almost 3 weeks now and so far I think it is working to mellow me out a little, although I’ve read it takes about 4 weeks or so to be fully effective. The first therapist session went alright but it was a little less than I had hoped. I was completely open and honest with my situation but I have had so much go on it’s hard to know where to begin with what I think I need to talk about. I started with my anxiety issues which I figured was as good a place as any to start. She ended the session by giving me some stuff to read on how to control my anxiety. I’ll give it a couple more sessions and see what happens.

After all that I’ve confronted over the last couple of years I really figured I was gonna be good. I thought I had done the things that would put me well down the road to fixing myself. Turns out my insecurities and lack of self confidence have grown when it comes to dealing with my new relationship. I sometimes have such a low self image of myself I don’t see how I can ever manage to keep him. It’s too good to be true that I have found Scooter and that somehow I can manage to make him happy. He’s always been openly gay and he’s dated a number of guys. I just don’t see how out of all the guys out there I can be “the one” for him. He makes me very happy, I just am so worried that I somehow won’t make him feel the same way.

This is all so new to me. My relationship with Anginae never felt like this for a lot of different reasons. With her we were of course young but it started as friendship and gradually turned into love. I never had the jealousy or lack of self confidence with her like I have had with guys. I think part of that was in the back of my mind I always felt that if she somehow left me I would be off the hook for having to come out to her. My big secret wouldn’t be so hard to figure out anymore. Now though, I have what I want firmly in my grasp and I’m so scared to lose it. I’m not jumping for the first guy that really falls for me. I”ve gotten really lucky and found the guy I want without having to wait and search for years. It happens and I don’t wanna mess up this chance.

Now that I have what I want and need I’ve got to do what I can to be a good boyfriend (partner or husband?) while continuing to be the best father (and ex husband) I can be. It took nearly throwing away what I have to show me I am still a broken person, but I’m going to try once and for all to fix myself.

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