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Posts Tagged ‘therapy’

Most anyone who reads this blog would agree that I could have done with some professional help for quite a long time. After all this time I’ve finally broken down and done it. All it took was a little drama queen hissy fit that almost made me lose Scooter to finally convince myself to get professional help.

Now I have found a new regular doctor who prescribed me an anti-depressants / anti-anxiety medication and I have also had one session with a therapist (and have the next one scheduled). I’ve been on the medication for almost 3 weeks now and so far I think it is working to mellow me out a little, although I’ve read it takes about 4 weeks or so to be fully effective. The first therapist session went alright but it was a little less than I had hoped. I was completely open and honest with my situation but I have had so much go on it’s hard to know where to begin with what I think I need to talk about. I started with my anxiety issues which I figured was as good a place as any to start. She ended the session by giving me some stuff to read on how to control my anxiety. I’ll give it a couple more sessions and see what happens.

After all that I’ve confronted over the last couple of years I really figured I was gonna be good. I thought I had done the things that would put me well down the road to fixing myself. Turns out my insecurities and lack of self confidence have grown when it comes to dealing with my new relationship. I sometimes have such a low self image of myself I don’t see how I can ever manage to keep him. It’s too good to be true that I have found Scooter and that somehow I can manage to make him happy. He’s always been openly gay and he’s dated a number of guys. I just don’t see how out of all the guys out there I can be “the one” for him. He makes me very happy, I just am so worried that I somehow won’t make him feel the same way.

This is all so new to me. My relationship with Anginae never felt like this for a lot of different reasons. With her we were of course young but it started as friendship and gradually turned into love. I never had the jealousy or lack of self confidence with her like I have had with guys. I think part of that was in the back of my mind I always felt that if she somehow left me I would be off the hook for having to come out to her. My big secret wouldn’t be so hard to figure out anymore. Now though, I have what I want firmly in my grasp and I’m so scared to lose it. I’m not jumping for the first guy that really falls for me. I”ve gotten really lucky and found the guy I want without having to wait and search for years. It happens and I don’t wanna mess up this chance.

Now that I have what I want and need I’ve got to do what I can to be a good boyfriend (partner or husband?) while continuing to be the best father (and ex husband) I can be. It took nearly throwing away what I have to show me I am still a broken person, but I’m going to try once and for all to fix myself.

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Change Me Please

repair

Well I’m not gonna try to piss anybody off this time on this post. As Nate mentioned in this post, he did some homework for me and I’ve tried to follow up on it a bit. One of links he found was to NARTH. That’s the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. Nate gave me some other links to look at, but I found this one the most interesting. They are a group of therapists that believe therapy should be available to those who do not believe that homosexual relationships are right for them. I don’t know how radical they are or exactly their approach. It seems to be more clinical rather than faith based which is what I would be interested in. I’ve really been thinking about ordering this book which is written by one of the therapists who belong to NARTH.
I’ve found it on Amazon and it’s $40 bucks. I don’t know if it’s worth the money or not, but as much as I bitch about not wanting to be gay, perhaps I need to put my money where my mouth is.  I guess that I’m afraid that it would be a waste of time and money.  I want something that will help me become straight.  It’s probably just a way to manage my homosexual desires.  I fell like I’ve been doing that for most of my life so I’m not really interested in that.

I’d really like to hear from anybody who’s had any experience with this organization or have read this book.  I’m torn between trying to continue to fight this vs. giving into being gay.  I feel like it’s my duty to continue to fight with this.  I can’t convince myself how it different than someone fighting an addiction or some other harmful behavior.  How is it any different than if I had a really bad temper and occasionally got so bad that I beat my wife.  I love her and I don’t want to hurt her, but sometimes I just can’t help it.  Or how is it different than if I wanted to have sex with other women.  Obviously both of those things would be considered wrong of a husband to do to his wife.  So why is it being gay is any different.   Why are there not routes for me to change myself like there would be for the other things i just mentioned?

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Gay: Choice or not a choice? Can being gay be cured or not? Is being gay normal or not normal?

These are all questions I’ve asked myself many times, and I’m sure that many (or most) other gay men have asked themselves at some point. I still ask myself these things all the time. I haven’t come up with any answers yet either.

The easiest one to come close to an firm answer is whether I chose to be gay or not. The answer is absolutely, positively no. I’m sure I’ve made it quite clear, that if I could make being gay go away, and make myself 100% straight, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t say whether I believe if I was either born this way or whether me being gay is a factor of my environment. I would not consider myself a victim of sexual abuse by any stretch, but there was one minor occurrence that happened to me when I was about 4 or 5. I was at the babysitters house. She had a couple of kids and some friends or relatives of some of her kids were occasionally there. Early one morning, a kid (I think he was a nephew or cousin) was there for some reason. I recall him exposing himself and making me scratch his dick and balls. He said if I didn’t do it he’d make me put his dick in my mouth. This memory is pretty fuzzy, and I only recall it happening one time. I don’t remember being traumatized or very upset. I think he was a young teenage kid and some of the older kids there would pick on me some, so I just kinda lumped it in with being picked on. I knew nothing of sex, and I was afraid if I put his dick in my mouth, he would pee in it just to be mean. Later on, as I got older, I for some reason wished I had tried letting him put his dick in my mouth.  What’s even sadder is as I was older and thought about sex with guys, I would try to recall the memory sometimes just to get off.  A couple of years later, I remember playing “strip” with my twin cousins. It was just some little kids being curious about their bodies, but I recall asking my male cousin if I could put is dick in my mouth. He said no. I’ve often wondered if these events are what made me gay, or are they just events in my younger life that point to me being gay. Plus add in my emotionally messed childhood with my parents divorcing; it sometimes makes me wonder if all these things combined conspired to make me a homo.

I know I sure as hell didn’t choose to be gay, but was I made that way and if so why can’t I be “cured”.  I can’t say that I was born gay.  I wish I could, but too many things happened in my upbringing that may have messed me up.  Did all those events combined may have made me gay?  So if I didn’t choose to be gay, but its more just a condition of my upbringing why can’t I get help to get over it?  Lots of people see a therapist of some sort to help undo things that have happened in the past.  Sometimes people even get medication to help them with these problems.  So why is it that no one has tried to come up with a pill to cure being gay?

Why is it that being gay is treated differently than some other sexually deviant activity.  A pedophile will seek counseling to help them with their problem.  Now I am not in any way equating pedophilia with being gay, just using it as an unacceptable attraction.  I’m sure someone who is sexually attracted to children wishes they weren’t.  If they are smart, they seek counseling to help them deal with this issue.  I’m sure there are many ways to treat this.  So why is it that treating homosexuality is any different.

It seems the only way to get over being gay is to go to some down some religious fanatical route or find some off the wall therapist who’s no where near where I am.  I don’t believe in god, so I think the challenge of finding God and having the faith to fight being Gay all at the same time ain’t gonna happen.  And I don’t believe I have the time or money to try fly off to Switzerland to try some radical new therapy.

Why is being gay treated so different than any other addiction or deviant sexual practice.  Being gay is not normal (and I mean that by the literal definition of normal) so why aren’t there more traditional and acceptable means of getting over it.  Why is it I have to look for something radical to try and overcome this?  I don’t want to fight the craving to be with a man, I want it to go away.  That may never happen I guess.

My mind works in strange ways sometimes.  I’m not in any way trying to say that I think gay people or bad or should be cured.  This is just how I think of myself.  I don’t really like myself, and being gay is just part of that.  I don’t want it.  Dealing with it sucks.   I don’t want to accept it but I’m afraid I’m going to have to.  I don’t want to fight the urge and desire to be with a man the rest of my life.  I want it to go away.  Maybe someday someone mankind will develop the knowledge to get rid of being gay.  NASA sent a man to the moon, now if they can just start working on a pill for me next.

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